Absolute beginner nerves

Absolute beginner nerves

Innocentnewbie • Feb 11, 2024

Hi all,

I am very new into the BDSM community. I have always been drawn towards female shaming porn but have never known how to express that to a partner in the past in the sense that ‘I want to be that female’. On the occasions I have tried, it has ended up with painful and utterly underwhelming sex from ‘blokes’ who thought being dominant meant simply choking someone out or trying to smack bodies together so hard my thighs were raw for days. Unsatisfying and unfulfilling to say the least.

I still do not understand how I’m going to get past the mental block that has always told me - you have to be the alpha, no matter what but I am intrigued, hopeful and willing that I can change that mindset some day soon.

It is nice to be a part of a community that accommodates both sides of the coin and acknowledges we have these intrinsic feelings.

CuddlingIsAMust​(sub female) • Feb 11, 2024

Welcome, newbie

SweetStarling • Feb 11, 2024

I've been there. And still am working through that block sometimes. I recommend learning as much as you can, read blogs, articles, figure out what appeals to you and remember it's ok to like these things. I spent a long time thinking that wanting to be degraded or controlled for example meant I was weak. And it's not. You will get there.

Innocent Me​(sub female){Protected} • Feb 11, 2024

No one in this lifestyle, that is practicing in an appropriate and healthy way, is weak IMO. I see people every day...unhappy, unwilling to see themselves, wishing they could do x y and z, just floating through life waiting for it to be over.

I believe people in this lifestyle have taken the time to look within themselves to see the things they desire and need and have admitted and accepted that it's okay to want different things! There is nothing wrong with ANYONE'S kink/desires/needs. As long as you're being safe and healthy about things you should never let the world make you feel like you're wrong.

It's a journey, for sure...but there's a community here willing to support you. I've found some good friends here and it's definitely a lot easier knowing there are others going through the same thing you are. We are all (mostly) here to support. Good luck on your journey.

Innocent Me​(sub female){Protected} • Feb 11, 2024

I think most submissives go through the journey of acceptance. We live in a 'women need to be large and in charge' world at the moment. It's hard for people to accept that being submissive to a man doesn't make you weak. Even other things like....needing my Daddy to help with my schedule is seen as weak. Wanting a man you trust to make decisions is weak. Wanting to serve a man is weak.

I know the power I hold as not only a submissive, but half of my relationship. My Daddy knows the power I hold and the power he holds. It goes both ways and that's something people who aren't part of BDSM fail to understand. Hearing words like 'slave' and 'submissive' lead them to an automatic judgement of the lifestyle. I hope in the future people will become much more educated on BDSM done properly and come to understand what a gift it can be for some.

I love knowing we're not in this alone.

SweetStarling • Feb 11, 2024

I could not have said it better myself, thank you.

Miki • Feb 12, 2024

Remember, there is no "official gospel of BDSM" or to put it simply, "U B U". Approach it as you like.

That having been said, any "bloke" who thinks being a dom means abusing his or her partner is not a dom but a sadist and I have found that sadists, by definition, are very dangerous -----sick people who are to be avoided.

You are meeting the wrong fellows. Raise your standards and do not do or get involved with any dominants without a substantial "get acquainted" period.

After a time the screwballs will reveal themselves and you can kick their asses out the door. You see, with a substantial perid of "mainstream" dating and talking, a dangerous person will be unable to keep their thin veneer of goodness -- their mask-- in place for very long before their bad side comes out. Human nature.

While we all have our unattractive facets, some dark sides are darker than others.

---------------------------------------------------------------
As for the whips and chains porn... nothing wrong with that. I watch those pretty often.

Re: Absolute beginner nerves

dom in search • Feb 13, 2024

listen everything new is scary take one step at a time 1 find a dom you trust9this is the hardest thing it takes time 2 have him start slowly with you 3 release controll and let go i hope this makes it easier for you. look me up if i can help goodluck

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Feb 15, 2024

Now when you are saying "Female Shaming", are you talking about humiliation?

If so, then yes that is something that is really more hard to do than what others talk about. Really good humiliation is a mental aspect of the lifestyle that a good deal of people active today don't bother with.

Mainly that is because it takes work and thought on the Dom/me's side. And believe it or not, there is a fine line from humiliation to simple abuse.

I'mME • Feb 16, 2024

Topeka,

Well stated. I would also add that really knowing someone is important.

I'm beginning to think maybe I imagined that concept, it was a dream, that it's important to get to know someone, before entering into a dynamic with them. Beyond chatting for a month.