D types as mentors

D types as mentors

TwinkleEyes{N/A} • Mar 30, 2024

I was talking with some female sub friends today and this subject came up. When a D type offers to be a mentor to a submissive is that possible? If so, what type of actions and words would be crossing boundaries of this type of relationship?

I was lucky to have met a female submissive roughly 20 years ago who mentored me for a short time. She was close to 70 yrs old and had been in the lifestyle 40 yrs. I was in a marriage and he wouldn’t Dom me. I had to learn about myself somewhere without disrespecting my marriage. Some of the principles she taught me then are more important today with this online stuff. Because who knows who is actually on the other end typing.

I’ve had several on this platform and other platforms offer to mentor me. I’d say 97% crossed boundaries. Asking for inappropriate pics, talked a lot about sex, telling me how to handle my current D type, and even started telling me to go cum. These crossed the boundaries of a mentor to me.

In the last couple of years I’ve been developing relationships with submissives. I wish I’d done it sooner. Because I could have saved myself a lot of wasted time and tears (insta fake dom). Today I consider my submissive friends as a collective my mentors.

Getting one source of knowledge is limiting to me. Talking to only male “D” types is limiting to me. Because won’t they guide me to be the type of submissive they want?

Miki​(masochist female) • Mar 30, 2024

I would say they "can" be, and the jokers you ran into who crossed lines-- or with inappropriate / unrequested photos and remarks it's more like the clowns sprinted across the line-- are just bad examples of dominants.

Here there are decent guys who can mentor properly in here--- if they want, it's not an easy task I would imagine---

Just a matter of finding a few needles in a haystack. Or so it seems...

simplylaura​(sub female){djinni} • Mar 30, 2024

I 100% believe that like should mentor like. You can certainly learn from the other side of the slash but a mentorship is too intimate and vulnerable to risk the kind of power dynamics that could come into play. It would take me at least both hands to count the numbers of submissives I know in real life who've been harmed in the name of "mentorship."

And realistically... D's don't have the lived experience of being an s and vice versa so what are they mentoring you in besides what they want in their own relationship, no matter what side of the slash is mentoring the other.

I spent several years as a mentor in the Denver mentors program, a former national mentorship program (definitely had a bunch.of issues at the top, hence why it's not longer a thing here) and what made our submissive side of the program strong is that we had all been mentored by other submissives either through that program or personally.

I don't care how good a guy or woman is, if you don't have the shared experience of whatever side of the slash you're on, you have no business mentoring someone. As i said before, that doesn't mean they can't teach specific things or help you in other ways, but those are different types of relationships.

TwinkleEyes{N/A} • Mar 30, 2024

How does one mentor a submissive as a D type. I’ve heard from some submissives that they have had successful mentors. I’ve only had the 1 female years ago. And I turn to other submissives these days when I have questions. Due to safety concerns and past experiences. I am curious what a D type mentor would do and why it wouldn’t be an easy task.

I have friends that are D types that I’ve been in dynamics with before. We keep things light on the BDSM because we don’t want to fall back into a dynamic. Because it has happened in the past.

Miki​(masochist female) • Mar 30, 2024

I have no idea. I assumed "D Type" was short for dominant.

There are as many ways to mentor as there are mentors

As I seem to have misinterpreted "D Type" never mind what I wrote (too late to edit/delete)



I was never a sub nor a dominant nor a switch. I have never nor intend to be in any dynamics so my knowledge in this area is nil.

I was only a sexual masochist and only in "sessions". Otherwise none out-and-about can even guess what I do in the dark and/or behind closed doors.

TwinkleEyes{N/A} • Mar 30, 2024

At this point in my journey I concur with what you are saying. I’ve just never really been able to wrap my head around how a dominant could teach me to be a submissive or about my submissiveness. How can they understand the overwhelming need to please someone, to be willing to suffer for their Dom, my need for the calm within the chaos, or how my neediness increases as I bond to someone. I only tried it with about a handful over the years. Yet, every time boundaries were crossed. When I read on someone’s profile that they are happy to mentor, it just creeps me out. I’ve met some lovely D types on here that admitted being my mentor would cross lines they weren’t comfortable with because it may cause me harm. I have a lot of respect for those 2.

It makes me smile with joy that you were a part of that. Sounds lovely. I appreciate your sharing your knowledge here 💕

aradialspire​(dom femme) • Mar 30, 2024

I've always told s-types that they should always have s-type friends so they have someone to commiserate with and understand their struggles! It's important!

I can only speak as a FemDom, but I've never had the urge to step on every single sub I've known; I've had sub-friends that I've talked with about their problems and their lifestyle. I've had the reverse problem, where *they* crossed boundaries and wanted *me* to dominate them when our relationship did not need to go there. I am delighted to have platonic scene friends and platonic discussions of sexuality without taking someone on as a stool.

But that's not mentorship. That's friendship.

That aside, a Dom could give you perspective about another Dom in your life. Still, they aren't going to be able to "teach you about submission" unless they have lived it (and that is a lot more common than many people are willing to admit, especially among male Dominants.) If someone uses "mentorship" as an excuse to clownfish their way into a dynamic with you, they're not trustworthy.

I feel (especially in recent years) that many people have forgotten that what happens in a scene or dynamic stays inside that scene or dynamic. You don't get instant access to a person or their submission/dominance outside of that just because you claim a role on a website somewhere. It's beyond wild to me, and it makes me happy I started out 20 years ago when things were better defined and less insane.

BuckeyeBabyGirl​(sub female) • Mar 30, 2024

I think having friends who are on the same side of the slash is super important. I do think that in certain cases a D type is good for advice but nothing more

dollMaker​(dom male) • Mar 30, 2024

Many use mentoring, the word, not what it actually should mean, though they will try and spin some made up, bs bdsm idea, in a predatory way, as a way of getting into a subs knickers, isolating them, and often this goes alongside being a protector.

I agree with simplylaura, subs should mentor subs, and dominants dominants, switches switches and that way abuse is much less likely to occur.

So if some so called, uber dominant type, sweeps into your inbox, offering to teach you the ropes, protect, mentor, and train you, tell them to sling their hook.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Mar 30, 2024

Now I say all this after being a Mentor for various s types and a few Ds over the decades:

Yes it is possible but one needs to watch out for those that will offer to mentor you. A good deal of time unscrupulous D will attempt to use that relationship to engage into sexual encounters. Anyone who wants to "teach" you something physical in a Mentor relationship is a lying scumbag.

Mentorships is purely mental/emotional relationship. It is done to provide a guidance for the mentee. While it can be educational, the main goal is to show how things are done and explain the pitfalls of D/s.

There is NO:

Bondage
Flogging
Scening of Any kind

and certainly no fucking.

Now there is one trap for the Mentor in such a relationship, and that is falling in love with the mentee.

The only recourse is then to walk away from the relationship or stop being a mentor and becoming a owner.


I know this from experience.