Emotional Availability

Emotional Availability

xoxowi{undercon.} • Aug 24, 2024

Hi lovely’s,

I hope everyone is having a wonderful night. I guess my only question is how does one truly open up?

I struggle with opening up to people to begin with, in any situation. I want to open up, and express how i’m feeling at times with my life outside of this lifestyle, I work with kids in the juvenile justice system, and I had a situation occur with one of my kiddos, and to hear that is heartbreaking. I want to tell them how it’s effecting me right now mentally, but I don’t want them stressing out because I’m stressed out? Or am I just overthinking this all together. Or better yet maybe just posting this and writing this out to a bunch of strangers definitely just helped me.

-i’ll update yall soon.

~xo

Solace​(dom male) • Aug 24, 2024

I apologize, but I am confused. Do you want to open up the kids, other adults, or to significant others?

I think these are all very different things. For example I would empathize with a child but I would never give the impression that I didn't have control. I think that's an important part for kids, feeling like the adults have it going on and they are safe with them.

As for others adults you can try the blogs. It's an excellent space to excersice your creative freedom and receive feed back while you figure yourself out.

As for significant others, it's a matter of trust. We all have to let down our walls to let someone else in. And I believe that eventually that other person will bring you pain because you allowed them to do so by lowering said walls. The trick is to realize that all humans do that to each other, and the pain is worth everything else you get in return

xoxowi{undercon.} • Aug 24, 2024

Definitely not the kiddos. I was just giving some insight onto why I am feeling so overwhelmed.

It’s more so a dom. I don’t want him to feel stressed if I unload how bad my day was on him. He works, and my job isn’t to pile more stress ontop of him. But what I had to encounter today broke me, and I just want to express every ounce of emotion i’m feeling, and by doing that I don’t want to overwhelm him. I guess.

However- I’m going to check the blog out because just typing this out definitely helped.

Solace​(dom male) • Aug 24, 2024

Each dynamic is different, but some would argue its his job to address and care for your emotional needs and stresses.

I don't think your wrong to not want to burden him with additional stress...but learning how to express these thoughts and feelings without doing that is an important skill for you, and accepting them is an important skill for him.

In general, some dynamics address these exchanges by the subbing giving back in another way such as making the dominants life less stressful in other areas, such as sexualy or in service roles like cooking, cleaning and other.

With practice and open communication your dynamic will find its pace and shape over time.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Aug 24, 2024

There is nothing wrong with having the emotions. The question how such emotions, and expressing them, will effect your objectivity.

I am currently in much the same situation. There is someone who is deeply important to me, but I am unable to express said emotions as it will disrupt our current relationship and unbalance the orbit of those around us. While it is fine for me to have this feeling, I don't have the right to unbalance to alter the obits of those around me.

Morley​(sub female){Max Sterne} • Aug 24, 2024

In a D/s dynamic, I feel it is extremely important to express and convey your struggles, especially those in the vanilla life. Our D's are not mind readers and it's very important and healthy to have those conversations.

Another popular method to address these "internal struggles/thoughts/insecurities" etc. is the s keeps a journal and shares with their D. This helps the D understand the frame of mind of the s, as well as their fears etc. Since you mentioned writing this out here, helped, I feel that the journal route would be a good course of action for you (whether in a dynamic or not). If in a dynamic, it should be discussed that your journal is your "safe place" to say all and anything without punishment or the worry of such!

I can't stress this enough... communication, communication and MORE communication is the only way relationships in this lifestyle can work.

Hope that helped some 🌷

Sweetlydepraved​(masochist female){95%} • Aug 24, 2024

Something I have learned over the years is to ask for what I need. That doesn’t mean Daddy will always give it to me, so I ask but I do not expect. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to approach your D and say something like “I had an incredibly rough day, would you spend some time with me to vent?” This solves your internal problem with feeling like you’re putting too much on him, at least theoretically, because you’re giving him the choice to take on some of your burden.

Miss Magdalena​(sub female){FreeSpirit} • Aug 24, 2024

It sounds like whatever it was that occurred, it was heartbreaking, so much so you felt the need to reach out and connect with others. Recognizing some relationships are purely physical, if such is the case with your current D like partner, I can understand some hesitancy in sharing something like this. If however you do share a more intimate relationship with one another, then I think I definitely agree, it's really important to share something like this with him. I would advise this, whether you shared a dynamic with your partner or not, because at our core we are all human and require support during times of need.

I hope you are doing ok. <3

Nitrev​(dom male) • Aug 25, 2024

I adopted a policy a while back to be open in communicating about most things, personally. That I can talk casually about things that others might find stressful, I feel helps to 'lighten the mood,' so to speak, like a matter-of-fact, is what it is right now kind of attitude. The fact is life is hard for most of us and we deal with a lot of struggles, and embracing that helps to facilitate open discussions like this one that end up helping you vent too.

Now I say that with some caveat for particularly distressing conversations that are more uncomfortable for people or people aren't ready to be so candid about. People might get accused of 'trauma-dumping' to unload some major emotional distress on someone else, like talking about deaths of friends and family or something like that without first making sure it is okay to talk to them about that, either by asking if it's okay or by reading the room to see if it would make sense to bring that up. But I also think that is some base level of empathy that we can show someone having a hard time, and probably the worst course of action is to dogpile on somebody already having a bad day.

Regarding the Dom: I noticed that you refer to them as 'a Dom' and not your Dom. Being your Dom, your friend that you can confide in, is a different story from just any Dom. Dom/mes and friends certainly don't substitute for therapists, but if they consent to you sharing your issues with them, they still aren't necessarily obligated to, but you should feel comfortable in confiding with them unless told otherwise. It's about their consent to take on that additional emotional distress.

Now if it is your Dom, then part of that relationship should be to make themselves available for any emotions you need to unload: that's a responsibility with owning someone, to take care of them and their needs insofar as the two/many of you discussed. It's kind that you consider their own stresses, but in agreeing to take you on a sub, you should be made to feel comfortable in sharing your struggles with them and they can share theirs with you too. Providing that support and growing together, having the comfort to be vulnerable with someone and be supported can also help alleviate the stress you're both feeling

xoxowi{undercon.} • Aug 26, 2024

Goodmorning lovely’s

It has been a few days since my last post, and I would like to give an update: I have referred to the Dom as them, because at the point in this post, nothing was really official as we were still getting to know eachother, and I didn’t want to assume I had a Dom. I didn’t know what to classify us as.

Secondly, I took the advice from many of you that Doms should be willing to hear my emotions out, and I did tell him about it. He was nothing less than supportive and kind, he did what he could to make sure that I was okay. Even though we aren’t official yet.

Thirdly, someone asked if I was okay, I’m doing better, it’s a day to day process to heal. But I’m okay, and the sun will eventually come out behind the clouds: the storm does pass. I usually like to believe that I am a strong woman, and I’ve handled a lot, but when it come to my kiddos something in me breaks when something happens to them, maybe i love my job to much.

But anyway, I want to thank each and everyone of you for helping me through this. I appreciate you. <3