Petty

Petty

roughandtumbler​(sub female) • Jan 11, 2025

So I posted a message several weeks ago about my husband not wanting kink like I do and I got so many good responses. All good advice. I talked to my husband yesterday. I explained why I had de-activated my account on another kink site that we are both on. I explained that posting pics was not enough and that I was willing to stop my pursuit of kink and go back to vanilla life if I couldn’t have what I wanted and needed. I was in a terrible funk over it, mainly because I hurt several people by disappearing off that site. I just couldn’t stay on there and see pics of ACTUAL kink and still remain in a good mental state. My attempts at kinky photos and videos were nothing compared to the actual interactions that I saw. My husband admitted that everything we did seemed staged ( I am an exhibitionist so I took photos and videos of punishments). I got his point and I was glad we talked but now I just feel petty. I don’t even want to engage in kink anymore. In fact, if asked I’ll just refuse at this point. I’m not sure I really want any intimacy because my husband loses nothing in this situation. He has had and will continue to have everything he wants in the bedroom. As long as we have sex he is happy. Doesn’t need to be kinky even. So I need to get over it, obviously. But how? I feel lost. I’ve abandoned people I grew close to and a dom mentor who helped both me and my husband expand our kinks. How do go forward? Just forget it?

I know I could hide it. I could have encounters and not tell my husband. I’m not really into that.

I could also get a divorce. I don’t have the financial resources to do that. On top of that, I love my husband.

I know there are no good answers. But I thought I’d try one more time to talk so sense into myself.

Any ideas?

mysterysoul​(masochist female) • Jan 12, 2025

Marriage is a piece of paper and marriage has been used as a legal agreement because before many women could not just go out and do things or buy things the man had to take care of their savings and financial stability.  No marriage is ever perfect it rides or die or it's nothing many are happy without it but don't feel they need to be in it even if they have to stay for a while or something.

People had to get married to own things and have things and if they ended up in a situation where someone needed insurance or an arranged marriage. Many had lovers behind the scenes they agreed on things but not everyone knew this should only be an agreement with your one if you are to stay. Keep the peace have a lover but some attachments and release when the time with them do you go home still be wife.
Everyone has wants needs desires need love at some point. You both still play house keep the same but you are the wife you gotta be a little sassy and say some things need to change. You need to find some female independent friends/Mentor Dom that have been in these things or couple or poly if comes to the point of anything.


Be a woman with your mind and speak up for your feelings you have a say in things. In marriage, two people own each other or it's nothing. Stop punishing yourself over this as punishment should be out of love you are a prize jewel value yourself and put value in your life.
A sub is a treasure, not a game it needs real love and feeling good about yourself if others can not. A lot of single people just stay single and you have to come to the point start being selective with energy.
Even if you share the same house make room to sleep in another room move your stuff to another room or place even if it is the sofa make at home for yourself so you start saying single you still find someone married just a piece of paper til you get feeling for someone be honest then ya well you gotta spill the fear and so on the right person will understand find someone might be going through the same. Poly households or couples might even work.

Without communication, there is no relationship. Without respect, there is no love. Without trust, there's no reason to continue.


Don't allow society to keep you from living your dreams and desires live your own. Don't be part of a trap get out of the matrix start thinking for yourself start being sexy for you romance your life be the partner for you. Become the partner you seek.

Marriage can be forever but not all love is forever sometimes they have to end you love someone but time to part so both can be free so can find the one cause not being free can be hard. Many subs stay at home and need a leading hand like 1950s but do not live 1950s they need the Head of the household type to guide them and show the way. You will need a mentor Dom if they can not do those duties and submissive training. 
No sub should be left behind  No Dom should left behind also. But still in binding in marriage, you need to be cared for til you are fully separated but make a budget of things that he gives allowance to get things they see what you get. 

Even tho you have been the wife all this time not 1700s or 1950s women have a lot more human rights they should have to ask but start making their own savings accounts make stuff learn to sew or clay to make ends meet for themselves. In a divorce it is 50/50 My friend was in a loveless marriage the court said that the house would be sold you both get 50/50 so both get a share but depends on where you live. 

But you talk to the husband so it's not a messy battle make it fair and end it well but remain friends. Money seems to be everything but you both need to figure out the need to be able to live. No Church or religion, tells you you should stay you have a right to cut cords.

But still giving/living with a partner that is like a roommate like living like a cell mate time to change for a new life. But being a Woman you need to be out of your essence you're going to have to do things a little hard but how you take a stand doing some independence for yourself once a step closer to separation is one step closer to being free. Does not have to be any war or anger just needs to happen make peace and forgive let it be. Once you make peace you are free this is a purity cleansing. Whatever you believe just go to a place and make peace and release or do it in your own home. What no longer serves me sets me free I am free to move on to better things even if this is temporary til I can leave.

For one thing for your mindset make a journal and write stuff you don't like not working in the marriage and your needs you are not getting start focusing on the process to put better things that will change even if you are married society down not own your as you only own yourself so start standing up for yourself as a women submissive still has a mind speak up do what you gotta do and do something about it you still got time the past is history its not your present is a new story so make it better.

For Submissive many are best serving and being under someone more of stay at home They do their share of duty.  But in your situation, you will need to stay married just be like a live-in do some things around the house, and agree on things you should have to be used sexually but if you both need some kind of love practice safe sex or just use dental dams or just use pocket pussy jack them off were your not doing intercourse just keep it not much attachment save yourself do kegals tighten your area. Think deeply is this partnership working out for me? An Owner/HOH still needs to watch over their submissive even if both have partnered but are still technically in in situation needs to look out for each other.  

Marriage is a bond but for financial reasons, you both need to stay together but be separated so that they help you stay for a while and still have a bit of things to help with education or to help you find another and fully separate from marriage. It's no one's business only you both know but be clear that you are just a live-in only for when,

You need to have an open marriage where you have companionship you find your own Dom you can help your HOH find a Sub for temporary things still agree with your HOH til things change. But it's up to you to make a change yes change is not compatible but you have to go through this rift to be free to find someone who is compatible. 

 Unless you can divorce with an agreement without knowing the mess you can get a union marriage where he still takes care of you I have a friend who lives this way and still be able to be single but in this economy, a sub can not do it alone. 

You can get temporary social security from a divorce if you do not have funds but if it causes you stress then look for the organizations and services if you know another way there are services. If you are still able to do something go to a workforce place or some training or look for a class or get the license to do something to make your income your HOH or a mentor can help you with your goals and dreams but up to you to do the rest. But if you feel don't want to be sexual with then educate them with toys to help them cause you should have to if the spark is not the same. YOu gotta make a choice grow a spine don't stay in the trap dust yourself off and try again. Look up some videos on ending a marriage and some legal help you can always talk to a counselor lawyer free of charge for guidance but at some point, you might want also talk to a marriage counselor or outreach at a church to talk to a paster just to get support. No one can stop you must stop yourself from staying unwrap yourself and start enchanting your life you want to know need to stay where you don't feel it's the same.

mysterysoul​(masochist female) • Jan 12, 2025

Petty F#ck that sh#t.  What about your needs? You're not being fulfilled back? You do so much for him that is not Fair. Man needs to chase you please your parts to keep it going or that means women are burned out not want to do anything.

To keep her essence a man has to be a primal thirst for his prey. Women need to feel their man's skin, smell and cum, and dominance their man can give to beg for more and faint for it. You are in your sexual peak you need that to arouse your mind and body and make it drop and drip in to submit men love that. Sexual captivity and strict restraints would teach you to crave and want to be touched get it to be fucked more and be punished with pleasure that is a sub-place in the desire to cum in her panties all day and wait for her man to come home to expose her holes be ready to punished and fucked. You need to feel like he is impregnating you all over again and milking you like a hu cow yes you should be used for good use for a man to be teased and wanted all the time.

50 you're still young you still can find love don't waste staying with someone not willing to pour the same in return let them be with someone else you be with someone else. Find some friends and get out why you can.  Sounds like you have been doing a lot as a stay-at-home that is still a job you need to find someone to give attention back and pleasure. No soul no love if you don't have a good connection even sexually with feeling ya that no is still a no.
So you had this love for so long it's time to part ways you have done this over and over again on this roller coaster. If you need guidance or need to tell your husband have someone do for you but tell them we still need to work out outside of the separation. If you wanna be done I can tell him for you just say she did too cause you don't wanna pleasure her maybe it wakes his ass up but he should change a long time ago. Many men love to pleasure women it pleases them in return.

He can not financially abuse you by not giving you anything there are laws and also some other things good to look into things if you do divorce they can't take things away you gotta get on your feet.  

You still look young and your kitty cat is rare plump but not about the sex but the art you come with your temple of goddess needs to be worshiped not abandoned. You ache for the pain of being under someone you deserve it. Don't give up the lifestyle over marriage it's a piece of paper that breaks the bond you need love and desire.  But maybe your husband needs to be fucked in the ass cause he needs to know who the real boss is cause if he can not man up give his wife some pleasure time to leave to a man that can.  US Goddess have to rise not take shit don't let man walk all over you bring your attitude with sassyness and wake his ass up. Stop making dinner, stop doing things til he begs, or just stop getting the divorce papers once you do it you will be free.  

You can love your husband but love has to be more. Does your husband pour the same for all your needs? It should just be all for him you doing it also takes the Man to do it back one person can not do it alone.  More to sex in BDSM but bonding love and trust and exchanging pleasure with passion to evolve yin and yang.  

I think you say you love your husband due to faith thing but you have needs that are not getting answered or touched stop saying you love him period only love him like a friend he not giving your needs back out of love. It needs to be agreed on whether to have an open marriage or just be a live-in to see others. If were me I would left a long time ago you gotta have the balls to get up and say this just not working. You can love someone but touch and bound and soul spark is whole with love. Better to be alone than be in a sexless marriage.  The church does own you know I would stop saying you love him for this marriage you love someone in different ways still separate.  



You can love people but some people can be in your heart not your life. You gotta set emotional boundaries as well with your feelings you have been tied down to the person for so long hard for you to leave you depend on them. Being a wife was a job divorce gonna have to happen look clearly in the mirror do I want to stay here cause I could have something that is aligned with me that is the same two-way street? Or you will have to go on a second life and have a virtual avatar relationship that just stays online.  Don't you want the real thing cause feels good with the right person get out of the boredom and start having a good love sex life that is mutually aligned with love.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Jan 12, 2025

If you are kinky, have a need for kink, or bdsm, D/s as the basis, part of your life, you simply can’t ignore this, it is a valid need. Ignorring will only go so far and ultimately, in many, maybe most cases, lead to a pretty toxic soup of frustration and hate. Many of us have been there, ended up with the wrong person to fulfill our sexual needs and it goes one of three ways, denial which is impossible long term for most, extra marital involvements, or ultimately leaving the spouse.

I personally know the ultimate futility of trying to discuss, spark kink in a vanilla partner, one for whom even basic non kink sex was a struggle, never mind anything more adventurous. I stuck at it for a very, very long time, tried to suppress my needs, and ultimately it took me into a very dark hole. There was more at play in this situation that I wont go into, but short to say I left that person, because we are who we are and we should be able to be fulfilled, appreciated for who we are, and at least have ago at being happy.

There are people who can shelve self-needs and be vanilla for the sake of a relationship/marriage, maybe you are one of them, but should you force yourself not to be you, your genuine self? I don’t know the answer for you, only you can make that decision and I wish you the best.

In regards to kink photos, most are a mix of legit activity, and smoke and mirrors, but many are staged, and not legit. Only if its taken in a club, obviously was live can you take it as a given, outside that every image was to varying degrees created, staged and while the people involved might indeed be kinky, bdsm people (in many photos/images the people aren’t) unless a third party takes the image, it had to be a paused activity, or staged activity for the purpose of creating the image. So unfortunately not everything you see can be taken as genuine, and thats leaving AI out of the equation, as those images get better and better, almost to the point of being hard to tell what is real, and what isn’t, and eventually it will be impossible to tell whether living people took part in the images creation, or not.

Re: Petty

Corellian​(dom male) • Jan 12, 2025

It sounds like you might have to choose between the husband you love, and finding the fulfillment you need. Does that sound right?

As a man, I will say is that even the most sensitive guys can be incredibly thick at times. One possibility is that it might not have sunk in for him how badly that you need this. Sometimes a guy needs a wake up call for him to pursue understanding you. What do you think about that?

I Have you thought about couples counseling? The outside perspective might provide the shock that he needs.

Miki​(masochist female) • Jan 12, 2025

ugh.. another one of these Catch 22 deals I see every now and again on the forums. A no-win scenario for both of you in that neither of you can have your cake and eat it, too. It is an unavoidable fork in the road and you can only choose which option to take and forego the other.

It is wrong to expect him to go kinky if it doesn't ring his bell or is a turn off, and equally wrong for you to force yourself to "fake it til you make it"-- Both lead to frustration, resentment, and an ugly future overall.

Decide which is more important and go down that road, and it's better done sooner rather than later.

***As for not being able to afford moving on from the marriage, that's never a good reason for anyone to get married or stay married, whatever the case may be. (although more than a few people do, but neither here nor there for this thread) ***

So... You are where you are, and it's a great idea to find a way to become economically self-sufficient regardless of what type of dynamic you want down the line. While everyone wants their relationship to check all the boxes and last forever, one must be able to go it alone should that ideal relationship go south despite everyone's best intentions and efforts and you simply gotta get outta Dodge.

All BDSM dynamics are as prone to the possibility of failure as any other type of relationship. There's no magical "anti-change" shield just because one is in a D/s relationship, so both need to have the ability to get back on his or her feet, dust themselves off and sally forth.
But even if everything is roses and bare-ass little angels flying around the house, so to speak, in this day and age, the ability for any household to stay above water and have 2 nickels to rub together often requires the nickels come from each partner's pockets.

----------------------------------------

Personal side note, likely not applicable to many in here, but I feel like being gabby at this unholy hour of the morning:

This is why, despite my former physical desires for erotic pain, subjugation and humiliation, I long ago decided to never become a so-called "real" sub-- Nothing and no one will ever cause me to give up my career and my own place. I mean, what if I get sick of the guy? What if he gets sick of me? What if the whole thing, despite all the exploration in the world, just gets old? It's a certified pain in the ass to flush a dead horse down the crapper without a fallback position.

"But That's Just Me" Individual results may vary.

House Talion​(dom male) • Jan 12, 2025

What more important, the love you have for you husband or your own personal needs?

If the marriage is sound and not worth losing then you need a way to move forward with your needs cause anything else will cause you to explode in anynpossible way when it gets to be too much for you. So how do you move forward?

You need at this point at least assistance to figure out what to do. So find someone to chat with to help you find your best solution. Even if you just chat about stuff for now it keeps you in a better head space.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Jan 12, 2025

The question is really what you mean by "Actual" kink. Are you talking scenes or a relationship?

Most of what you see on Fet is not real life kink. 90% of what you see on Kinky & Popular is tripe. Isn't real life.

So you say you are tired of the photos you make, then stop taking them. Get out from behind the camera and go find some folks who discuss things. That is where the real life begins.

roughandtumbler​(sub female) • Jan 12, 2025

Thank you to everyone that posted. I agree with so much that has been said. I particularly appreciated that maybe everything that I thought was “real” is just staged or for effect on Fet. That really messed with my mind. And the further I get from my time on Fet, I realize that I was in a pretty addictive phase with attention and connections I had on there. As I recalibrate, I hope a few things happen. I hope my love for kink returns. Right now I’m kind of depressed. I hope I get back to begging for punishments or dragging hubby to the bedroom for some kinky playtime (he’s not opposed to link, he just doesn’t need it as much as me). I also hope I can start looking at other things to grab my attention. I generally become obsessive about things and my brain has been all about kink for 8 months. I think it’s time for rebalancing my priorities.

Thanks again for all your thoughtful responses!

fluffypoppet​(sub female)​{Protected} • Jan 12, 2025

Kink is customizable. The main rule is consent.

It sounds like you aren't willing to consent to a vanilla marriage with him, knowing your needs won't be met.
It sounds like he's not interested in consenting to the kink dynamic you crave. (Though it's unclear how much he understands of your needs.)

You mentioned fooling around outside of the marriage without his consent... but that's problematic.
You suggested the possibility of hiding your needs... but how can he provide informed consent if he's not informed of your needs and concerns?
You don't wish to divorce because you love him and financially rely on him.
You noted he'll be satisfied, because he's happy with any kind of sex.

I don't envy you the love you've found. It must be hard to care for someone who doesn't take an interest in your needs being met.

Do you think perhaps you struggle to communicate with others about things that make you feel vulnerable?
I ask because:
- you mentioned leaving a website suddenly and cutting connections with people who cared about you.
- you mentioned getting good advice here to help you articulate things with your husband.
- your frustration seems to be an isolated experience like you are trying to bottle it up.

If you don't communicate what's in your heart and mind, you aren't giving your husband a chance to meet your needs. It is your problem alone until you face the challenge together.

It's possible he might be open to other options.
- perhaps he'd consent to you entering a dynamic with someone else. (non sexual dynamics exist)
- perhaps you could enter counseling together with a BDSM friendly therpaist.
- perhaps you could identify what you need and he'd be willing to work toward meeting those needs.

Not sure any of this is helpful, just rambling out my thoughts. I hope you both the best.