Online now
Online now

Enmeshment

friendlyfire
2 weeks ago • Jan 23, 2025

Enmeshment

friendlyfire • Jan 23, 2025
I was wondering if anyone has advice on what to do when slaves become too obsessed with their Master? Lately I noticed my slaves have been in competition with each other for my attention. One makes fake profiles and dolls of me while the other writes erotic stories using my name and likeness. I try to take them places but they start drama everywhere we go and I'm worried they are beginning to lose themselves and their purpose. Enmeshment destroys ego and by extension my slave, so I want to avoid it if I can. I know it's in a slave's nature to live for their Master, but I need my slaves to have their own things too, you know? It is important they have an identity separate from mine else they become reflections instead of subjects.

How do I remind a slave that it is ok to be themselves and in fact I accepted them because of who they are?
How do I reduce competition between slaves?
How do I emphasize safety when they are doxxing me and by extension themselves?
How can I reduce drama for lack of a better word if one of my slaves is the type of person who requires an audience to perform their subjugation to me?

Thanks for reading! I look forward to learning more about this.
K y i v
2 weeks ago • Jan 23, 2025
K y i v • Jan 23, 2025
That is a problem with humans in general. The need for attention, competition.
Clear boundaries and enforcement may help.. Or not..
Aradia Nightshade​(other female)
2 weeks ago • Jan 23, 2025
I have no experience with slaves. From what I have gathered, slaves are owned and they have only one purpose: to please you. Some people even go so far as to forbid the slave from using the word "I" anymore. One thing is certain. You said that you are okay with them being themselves. Already that is something that wildly contradicts what I've seen about what a slave is. Plus you mentioned not wanting to destroy their ego - as slaves, they shouldn't have one.

Perhaps you could share your definition.of a slave?

I am going to be direct here, but please keep in mind that I'm expressing my opinion, not dictating or trying to present my opinion as fact.

I'm absolutely mystified why you call these people slaves. We may have a different definition but within BDSM, the one thing slaves are supposed to do, is obey.

They aren't slaves. If they identify as such, they are terrible slaves! They are behaving terribly. They certainly aren't behaving like friends. Hell, they aren't even behaving as if they give a rat's ass about you at all.

Let's put aside the label of slave and any other label, and call them human beings. These human beings are hurting you (emotionally) and putting you in danger (doxing), in order to get your attention. They sound like demented children.

If one requires an audience to show their subjugation to you, go to a BDSM events or something.

My recommendation is not going to be popular. I am answering this because while we barely know each other, your "slaves" are putting you in actual real danger. That is not okay. Please keep this in mind if you get angry at me - I am concerned about your safety as a fellow human being.

These two "slaves" need to see a kink friendly therapist as a condition of their continued "servitude". I put that in quotes because they are not serving you at all right now. They are serving themselves and their egos.

If we pretend they are slaves, then we can use the term punishment. They need to be punished for their ridiculous behaviour and there has to be consequences. They should be told to stop the behaviours, or there will be a consequence, an unpleasant one, with you following through. Making threats of punishment without follow-through with the consequence will just make them behave worse. You should know what their currency is, what would motivate them, and be prepared to take whatever it is away from them until it if they learn how to behave. It's not lost on me that this same concept applies to children.

If they continue to put you in danger and disregard your emotional well-being, they don't deserve to "serve" you, be a friend to you, or have any role in your life at all. You could give them a taste of their own medicine but that would just cause more problems. Start documenting everything they are doing, record them admitting their bad behaviour, etc so you can get that evidence that is lacking in case the last resort, legal action, is something you decide.

Honestly at this juncture, I'd treat them like vicious stalkers and take the appropriate steps, including restraining orders.

Am I being too serious? Sounding too harsh? To some people, probably. But they've put your real-life safety at risk here. It's time to stop with the games and the excuses for their poor behaviours. They have mental health issues that should be treated. I don't have to know a damn thing about BDSM to state unequivocally that what is going on with these two is absolutely wrong.

And there is the Mama Bear aspect of my personality. I am risking your anger here and you might decide to shun me. But I needed to say what I did because I can't sit on my hands when peoples' behaviours are putting your safety at risk, but also there's your privacy, which they should hold sacred. I would say the exact same thing if this were happening to someone else.

I think what they should really get is a one way ticket out of your life so you have room for people who well, aren't them.

</rant> (end rant)
    The most loved post in topic
K y i v
2 weeks ago • Jan 23, 2025
K y i v • Jan 23, 2025
That is some serious tough love.
friendlyfire
2 weeks ago • Jan 23, 2025
friendlyfire • Jan 23, 2025
I apologize and fully retract the word slave. There is no excuse for my pettiness here. You are right. There is no comparison between a slave and the sorts of people who do this. I cannot find a word for when people become so obsessed, possessive, fixated on you that you can no longer find a safe space to explore yourself, be yourself, and trust people. I've had enough of the stalking, the "mate guarding", the catfishing, the smear campaigns, the doxxing, the hacking, being followed from site to site and app to app. I am done being quiet about what has happened to me in these communities and the people who continue to prey on others instead of work on themselves. I don't know how to tackle this problem alone anymore so I am asking the group for help this time. I know you know what's going on. I know you see it. What do I do?
B L O N D I E​(sub female)
2 weeks ago • Jan 24, 2025
B L O N D I E​(sub female) • Jan 24, 2025
I absolutely disagree with your definition of what it means to be a slave. No one can dictate what a slave is, how much ego or personality they have, how they are referred to, or if they have a right to state their limits or not.

All of this has to be negotiated within the framework of the individual dynamic. I'm sorry to say your understanding is mistaken. How the Master or dominant handles a particular situation has to be congruent with the agreed-upon terms of that dynamic. If the dynamic developed with the understanding that the slave would continue to have their own life, hobbies, interests, and independence, that this what they should do.

All punishments and consequences should have been negotiated beforehand also.
Sweet Minx​(sub female)
2 weeks ago • Jan 24, 2025
Sweet Minx​(sub female) • Jan 24, 2025
Could you put boundaries and rules in place about the fake profiles, drama and other unwanted and unhealthy behavior?

Have you had a serious conversation and explained those things are not okay and do not please you? If so, how did they react to that?

How long have you been involved in the dynamics? If it's not working and causing mental angst or harm it's within your power to end the dynamics.
House Talion​(dom male)
2 weeks ago • Jan 24, 2025
House Talion​(dom male) • Jan 24, 2025
Yoyr slaves don't know their place, remind them where they belong n who they serve and why/how.
Personally I wouldn't deal with such insolence. I'd hang their collars on the wall, locked by that lil D-ring, chain them to stare at their collar that's not on their neck while using their soft limits against them.
Wrap their collars on my ankles so the closest they can get to them is by kissing my feet.

Let me know if you enjoy such ideas
Aradia Nightshade​(other female)
2 weeks ago • Jan 25, 2025
B L O N D I E wrote:
I absolutely disagree with your definition of what it means to be a slave. No one can dictate what a slave is, how much ego or personality they have, how they are referred to, or if they have a right to state their limits or not.

All of this has to be negotiated within the framework of the individual dynamic. I'm sorry to say your understanding is mistaken. How the Master or dominant handles a particular situation has to be congruent with the agreed-upon terms of that dynamic. If the dynamic developed with the understanding that the slave would continue to have their own life, hobbies, interests, and independence, that this what they should do.

All punishments and consequences should have been negotiated beforehand also.



There is an inherent difference between slave and a slave within BDSM lifestyle. The ones in the lifestyle have a choice. When groups of people start to take it upon themselves to change the definition of a word, communication and understanding starts to break down. I've known BDSM couples that take the dictionary meaning of slave as much as they can - but working within the frameworks of the modern world and the laws of the land was frustrating for them.

But suffice to say, the two obsessed hellions FF have are not slaves (she has agreed on this), and regardless of definitions, it would be nonsensical to have a slave who didn't give a rat's ass about the well-being of their Master/Mistress/Top/Sir/Ma'am/Daddy or whatever else the dominant may refer to themselves as within the arrangement/relationship.

Imho some of the ways you describe a slave sound more like a sub to me and then one wonders what the actual difference is between the two. It has been my understanding that the terms are not interchangeable. And again, it impedes effective communication if people having the discussion have wildly different definitions for terms. Supplying a list of words and terms and their meanings before a discussion might help if the one or more individuals have a different opinion on what the word means. I will however, find an updated glossary to see if anything has profoundly changed. Maybe I'll make my findings a blog post (thank you for bringing up the points you did).
B L O N D I E​(sub female)
2 weeks ago • Jan 25, 2025
B L O N D I E​(sub female) • Jan 25, 2025
Aradia Nightshade wrote:
B L O N D I E wrote:
I absolutely disagree with your definition of what it means to be a slave. No one can dictate what a slave is, how much ego or personality they have, how they are referred to, or if they have a right to state their limits or not.

All of this has to be negotiated within the framework of the individual dynamic. I'm sorry to say your understanding is mistaken. How the Master or dominant handles a particular situation has to be congruent with the agreed-upon terms of that dynamic. If the dynamic developed with the understanding that the slave would continue to have their own life, hobbies, interests, and independence, that this what they should do.

All punishments and consequences should have been negotiated beforehand also.



There is an inherent difference between slave and a slave within BDSM lifestyle. The ones in the lifestyle have a choice. When groups of people start to take it upon themselves to change the definition of a word, communication and understanding starts to break down. I've known BDSM couples that take the dictionary meaning of slave as much as they can - but working within the frameworks of the modern world and the laws of the land was frustrating for them.

But suffice to say, the two obsessed hellions FF have are not slaves (she has agreed on this), and regardless of definitions, it would be nonsensical to have a slave who didn't give a rat's ass about the well-being of their Master/Mistress/Top/Sir/Ma'am/Daddy or whatever else the dominant may refer to themselves as within the arrangement/relationship.

Imho some of the ways you describe a slave sound more like a sub to me and then one wonders what the actual difference is between the two. It has been my understanding that the terms are not interchangeable. And again, it impedes effective communication if people having the discussion have wildly different definitions for terms. Supplying a list of words and terms and their meanings before a discussion might help if the one or more individuals have a different opinion on what the word means. I will however, find an updated glossary to see if anything has profoundly changed. Maybe I'll make my findings a blog post (thank you for bringing up the points you did).


The difference between a sub and a slave has been discussed at length on this platform and can be found elsewhere if you look. The one thing everyone agrees on is that, whatever a person is labeled as must be defined within each individual dynamic between the parties involved. The phrases and labels must be defined and agreed upon. The level and style of power exchange must be negotiated beforehand and agreed upon with full consent regardless of what the person is labeled as on either side of the slash.

Even after a person has been identified as a slave, by themselves and their prospective Master, they continue to have full consent and the ongoing power to re-negotiatie. This can never be removed except perhaps as a fantasy. This is the difference between BDSM dynamics and criminal activity.

I would argue that any third party trying to impose one of these definitions on a dynamic from the outside simply because you understand it differently is what would be nonsensicle. You have no idea what goes on inside someone else's dynamic and no one has the right to dictate terms or negotiated parameters for someone else's dynamic.