Everything seems to be very fast paced these days, im curious as to other peoples take on multiple dating as it seems to be the norm now. Personally I think putting the energy and effort into one possible seems a better outcome for me. However dating many people at once just seems to be how things work now, what is other peoples experiences, opinions and thoughts on this topic?
Hi Rose, I think having more than one Sub isn’t good for the Sub. Subs are sensitive empaths. A Dom/Domme who has more than one Sub is damaging the Sub, it’s just telling them that they’re just not quite good enough. I don’t share. Subs need to feel grounded and secure.
A lot to unpack here; I'll deal with Rosethorn's question first.
Take it at your pace, Rose. Dating is exhausting and everyone has a different capacity for that stress and effort. If I could magically synchronize all my dates so that they ran sequentially instead of simultaneously, it would be a lot easier. Life is rarely that convenient.
My rule of thumb there was always how engaged I was with the person(s) in question. After a while, the sheer act of dating becomes a bit addictive, and I start to crave the next contract, the next unknown, the flirting and the attention. I become focused on 'the next date' and not the person. If I hit that point, I stop, slow down and re-evaluate.
My answer to you is do what you can handle; if that's one date at at time, so be it. If that's more than one, watch out for the pitfalls above.
Now.. DammitJanet... Dammit indeed. There's a lot in there, and rather than simply agree or disagree, I'd like to break it down. Most of what you say is accurate, but there's a mix in there that needs to be separated out...
"I think having more than one Sub isn’t good for the Sub." Personal opinion, and perfectly valid statement for some. I don't think it applies in general. You're dipping into mono vs poly here, and that's a personal choice. It works for some and not for others.
" Subs are sensitive empaths." [ Empath: noun (chiefly in science fiction) a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual. ] Empath is another one of those 'placeholder labels' I talked about in my blog yesterday. I do not accept the premise that all subs have a paranormal ability. Nor do I accept that all subs share anything in common beyond a desire to explore submission in some form.
"A Dom/Domme who has more than one Sub is damaging the Sub.." Once again, perfectly valid as personal opinion, but I can't accept it as a general statement. Mono/poly again.
"it’s just telling them that they’re just not quite good enough." That is projecting how you feel onto the motivations of a Dom. Yes, that is a valid feeling, and I recognize and am aware that many mono folks feel that way. When that statement is applied to poly, it's hurtful and goes against the very core of it. I'm poly exactly because I can feel a strong, real and valid emotional connection with more than one person. To suggest that I or anyone else that does that is telling every partner they're not 'good enough' hurts. If someone I was involved with came to me with those feelings, I would take it as as sign that I'd failed horribly and miserably to communicate my feelings toward them. That feeling is exactly why I try to stay away from monogamous folks; they will feel that way no matter what, and it doesn't work in healthy poly.
"I don’t share." Perfectly valid personal statement.
"Subs need to feel grounded and secure." So do Doms. That's kind of a human thing.
@fudbar, I just talk from my personal experience, you should think back to last time you were a sub and your Dom took another, how did that make you feel?
I've never been in a poly situation as strictly a submissive, I tend to assume the Dominant role. I have been in relationships with a switch dynamic where the other partner has taken on new partners, and I've talked and do talk often to those in my life about their feelings when new people come around.
How I felt in any one of those scenarios varied. Yes, there were feelings of jealousy and insecurity. In healthy poly, you talk about those right away, don't hold them in, and share fears and anxieties. It comes down to one of your original points; "Subs need to feel grounded and secure." As I said, so do Doms, so do vanilla poly folks. You talk it out and get to the point where you both feel grounded and secure.
As for me adding new folks and how my current folks feel about that, it varies as well. If there's anything in common there, it's that the more I share and am honest about what I see and enjoy in new partners, the easier it is for my current partners to feel grounded and secure about their place.
The basic concept of poly is that love and affection are not finite, and that a new relationship does not automatically rob energy from an existing one. They can exist separately or grow and change. Poly is about managing that in an open and honest way. It does not work for everyone.
I can see both points of view here, poly and mono are both valid but both people need to be happy, personally I get what is meant by empath, you want to please and are sensitive to your Doms needs, there needs to be a clarification that you are enough and that's not why there is more than one. But I will point out that this is the dating stage, there is a difference between dating and going steady with someone. In vanilla land as well dating multiple people at once seems to have taken off and was curious as to others opinions on this, everyone has there own insight and an interesting perspective. I find it an interesting mix when you involve BDSM style D/s within the dating part. Personally I find 1 to 1 helps me but there doesn't seem to be much of that at the moment but as a service top in some ways its a really hard mix to get right. Do you find things have become a lot faster paced with dating ?
I don’t do vanilla dating, I only have ever met men who want D/s, can’t comment on that Rose. Though I do see friends at work powering through men on vanilla dating sites at a fast pace, perhaps D/s just cuts through all the crap in that there’s an understanding of what’s required and it’s open and easy to talk about what you actually want?
Personally I find 1 to 1 helps me but there doesn't seem to be much of that at the moment but as a service top in some ways its a really hard mix to get right. Do you find things have become a lot faster paced with dating ?
Yes, that certainly is the case. As someone old enough to remember a time before social media, cellphones, hell, even answering machines and pagers, the ability to constantly and instantly keep in touch puts the focus on speed over quality at times. There's something to be said for time to reflect and anticipate. As I've always said about dating, in some ways how you feel when you aren't around someone is more important than how you feel when you're around them. Dating someone who makes you feel wonderful every time you spend time together but who fills you with doubt and anxiety when they're not in touch can be a real problem and red flag.
Having read "The Diary of Anne Frank" and some other supporting newspaper articles, I've found that the concept of dating one person at a time is actually relatively new - even in the United States.
Consider: how many portrayals of a high school or college guy asking a peer girl to go "steady" in 50's Americana have been filmed? That suggests that there was previously in the relationship when both of them were actively dating other people.
Similarly, in "The Diary of Anne Frank" she states that at school she had "strings of boyfriends" and that her parents only got alarmed when an older boy started pressuring Anne to go steady with him, as they were concerned of what influence the lad could have on their daughter. Spreading her attention over multiple boyfriends meant that she had a span of behaviors to select from, and could weed out a worrisome choice without feeling much of a strain on her romantic or social life.
I've seen articles where there was concern that going "steady" could lead to a "trail marriage" (moving in together / shacking up), which was scandalous back then. This was the time of promise rings, wearing someone's letterman's jacket, etc.
Social customs changed and the expectation of monogamy while dating unchaperoned became the norm. Now it's considered rude or slutty to date more than one person at a time, whereas before it considered a safety measure.