Casual BDSM?

Casual BDSM?

Finished​(switch female) • Sep 1, 2018

I’ve never been able to have casual sex. So when I discovered my sexuality included more ‘extreme’ elements, it became even more difficult to find a partner. My first real boyfriend was vanilla and my second real boyfriend who became my husband was kinky, but the kink we share is where I am the D and he, the s. I enjoy it immensely but I also have strong sub urges that have become very accute and so, in an effort to appease these, I joined this site.

I don’t understand but do not judge others who engage in only playing with a partner with no other attachment or relationship outside of the ‘scene’. But, I’m just not built that way. As I state in my profile, submission is a very personal activity for me. Even if it’s ‘just online’. Sex in any form is. I know it is for others as well.

So, then we move onto the topic of ‘sub frenzy’ and how, at the start of a new D/s relationship or potential relationship, a sub can keep these strong feelings of wanting to bond with their new partner at bay. I understand the importance of going slow, of taking the time to get to know each other and build trust. All of that is good advice and I had thought I had followed it, but now I think I did get caught up in the frenzy of finally finding someone who understood what I needed, who was willing to nurture and provide structure and an environment in which I could express my desires. It stung when the fog lifted and I was left out on a ledge alone.

Let me be clear: I am not talking about feelings of wanting a more vanilla relationship outside of the D/s one; I’m not talking about leaving my husband for a Dom. I’m talking about building a real bond where a sub who feels vulnerable, trusting and passionate can actually feel safe and committed in an another kind of relationship. We are creatures capable of creating and sustaining all kinds of love at various times in our lives. Our hearts have room inside for so much, why confine it to only one?

So, how do you keep it casual and not get caught up in all the emotions that seem to go naturally with submission? Is it even possible?

Thoughts?

CK45​(sub female) • Sep 1, 2018

Interested to see how people respond....
I don't have a lot of experience in this lifestyle but have always approached sexual experiences with a high degree of emotion and attachment (find it more fulfilling that way).
I feel (based on what I'm learning) that a successful D/s relationship would require even more emotion due to the power dynamic in order to get the most from it (might be wrong here). I might have trouble removing attachment from the equation as well.
Sorry you were hurt Passenger ?
And thank you for posting this.
?

Finished​(switch female) • Sep 1, 2018

Thanks for your support CK45. I know it can be a case of ‘finding the right one’ but when you think you have and find yourself so wrong... not sure what to do now.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Sep 1, 2018

Not much you can do but try again. As for your original question about 'casual', I'm in the same boat as you with casual hookups. It does nothing for me and the few times I've tried to see if things have changed, it's still been awkward and the opposite of intimate. To be honest, I'd rather masturbate.

As for a more casual D/s relationship, that one is a bit more tricky. Try thinking of it like the weather. Sunny with a change of showers turns into casual with a chance of feels. The question then becomes what are you going to do if you catch feels?

Ideally, you've discussed this with your partner before proceeding. Some have a hard line there; I know I've tried to keep that line up in the past. I found that impossible. Feels happen, and the best answer I can give now to the question above is "We'll deal with that when it happens and I'll try to not be a jerk about it and accept things if it's not going to work...". Much easier said than done. All one can do there is to be honest about feelings and concerns and not ghost or dismiss someone. That healing process takes time and isn't always linear.

In situations like you find yourself in, I find it helpful to try and figure out what your needs are and how to meet them. Sure, it's wonderful if you can find companionship, sexual satisfaction, emotional support, love and personal growth in a wonderful Dom/sub package, but those things are not exclusive to relationship.

I can satisfy my need for companionship through my friends here.

Flirting, masturbating, erotic writing and fantasy can fulfill a lot of sexual needs.

Close friends who know you well are great at emotional support, even when you're in a relationship.

Love is a funny thing, but reaching out and sharing, knowing that people care can make you feel loved as well.

Personal growth can and often does happen after great pain and/or relationships ending. It's a good time to reflect on what you've learned rather than what you've lost.

As the Stones say, you can't always get what you want.. but if you try sometime, you just might find you get what you need. ☺

Ingénue{VK} • Sep 1, 2018

Really interesting.. a few thoughts from a newcomer.. much of what you describe resonates with me - I don't know that there *is* a solution as such. A deep capacity for emotion, the ability to give and the drive towards attachment and connection are part of what makes us human. These are powerful attributes and drives and need careful handling and protection. Boundaries are essential. The sense we have made of past experience, our history and learning and the advice/support of others are ways we can reform our boundaries when they are no longer meeting our needs. We always retain the ability, no matter how frenzied the experience, to make the choice that is in our own best interests but for myself, part of the fun can be temporarily to forget that - yet it's still a case of balancing outcomes. Ultimately no one out there is going to look after me except myself. Responsibility for self can feel like a dull thing to me at times, yet the willingness to remain vulnerable requires it.. with that responsibility, if I end up alone or hurt - so it goes.. attend, learn, improve..

Master Koi​(dom male) • Sep 2, 2018

Passenger,

First, let me say that my heart goes out to you for those feelings of being 'left on a ledge'. It's possible for that to happen to either side of the slash (it's happened to me!), but I know the emotional risk you take every time you step out on that ledge as an s-type can be.... overwhelming.

See... There is an intrinsic vulnerability in surrender. Simon Sinek (author of "Start With Why" and a public speaker on interpersonal relationships) talks about vulnerability being the *key* ingredient for creating lasting, meaningful emotional connection.

Therefore... there is *always* going to be a risk of emotions becoming entangled.

As a Master with "Daddy" tendencies, I gravitate to s-types over whom I feel protective, caring, and controlling; these are all deeply fulfilling emotions for me... and that's a fairly consistent thing, whenever I bring a new slave under my wing.

That vulnerability and resulting fulfillment creates... well... a *really* strong bonding response.

We are, after all, social creatures, and our biology functions (generally) in a way conducive to creating and maintaining social connection.

So what does all this mean?

When you share your vulnerability, you are biologically creating connection with the person you're sharing with. It's how we're wired. Chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin are released into the system and... well, they're a fairly devastating combination on anyone trying to "keep it casual".

Some people are capable of keeping things casual. I know a few couples who do it regularly... but I don't know how they separate the connection and chemicals from their attachment to the person. Perhaps it's sheer force of will?

Either way, for me... if it's not about creating and expanding an emotional connection with someone, it's as useful to me as shouting into the wind.

Perhaps the solution, then. isn't to 'keep it casual'... but instead, let it become as deep as it can, but only with carefully vetted, cautiously developed partnerships.

Koi

p.s.
"Our hearts have room inside for so much, why confine it to only one? "
Are you poly? If you're not, or have flirted with the idea, I highly recommend you check out the book "More Than Two", or peruse their site at morethantwo.com.

david zh​(dom male) • Oct 5, 2018

I just joined yesterday. This site is very impressive so far.
Good people engaging in good questions.

I am chiming in here because I have a thought or two to share about D/s and BDSM in general with regard to intimacy depth, risk, caring and the nature of love. Sure, BDSM has a key point of sex but really, sex is just a physical act with a lot of baggage.

What is amazing is that good sex is 90% mental to the point that you don't need the physical act to have sexual chemistry triggers.

But, this dynamic, regarding the multiple partners and the challenges of intimacy and boundaries, inspires me to stop working and write a bit. This gets some ideas out of my head in draft form and hopefully allows a conversation to build.

I read a book when I was 13 called, "Love" by Leo Buscaglia and while it had nothing to do with this lifestyle per say, it felt to me like it is, at its core, a guidebook for understanding love in different ways. It taught me to think of Love as an energy people possess and emit more than an "object" that can only be really given one at a time.

In our "vanilla" world, romance has a script we have built as a social construct to allow stability in society and predictability. It is undeniably powerful in the way that it makes rules for coupling or roles. Then along comes the lifestyle of BDSM and what it means to change the signal to noise ratio on the love story.

BDSM can be very comprehensive about power exchange, neurochemicals, mental history and current story, physical autonomous systems, and of course, all the things that come with providing someone keys to the high-risk social cost of discretion or blind faith that the person or persons you are sharing this with will care for you know that this will take all of you out on the ledge.

And this is my ramble to the point: How can you assume that you will be with someone in a BDSM headspace and not want to bond with them? BDSM together is at its core about bonding in some way (sometimes literally). It does not negate your sincere life choices to love someone else full time. It certainly does not mean you have to have one or the other.

And to that point, not everyone in your life needs to understand everything about you at all times. It is important that you care for people that you are intimate with to the level that warrants the respect and protects them.
Sure, you are not responsible for how they feel but you do influence them and that is a responsibility.

I don't pretend to have answers. I am learning every day but I do think we should be aware that BDSM interests are deeply seductive and cause an intensity that makes ones feel binary about your emotional headspace. Love is not romance. BDSM is more powerful than just simple baseline vanilla sex because it is like a playbook to build a deeper pathway pressing buttons in the right sequence.

So... understanding the headspace of a Sub is my goal. I don't claim to understand it perfectly but I do strive to do so. Every session for me is tied to this goal. However, at the root, all people, no matter what role they are in, will want a level of care and attention that is respectful. The need to recognize that point means you have to invest and investment does not always pay you back the level you put in at that moment. I think this is where the sense of love/sex/attention starts to feel like a cup that needs to be filled and held by one person. It takes a lot to give so much but it does not mean that it is a "business deal" that balances the accounts at the end of the day.

I have never, ever been with anyone I didn't want to care about. I care and want to see them better off from our time together, no matter how long that lasts. That is not the same thing as chain monogamy or dating monogamously. Feelings stay with me long after that person is not in my life anymore.

I am poly in the way that I don't feel love is finite. I guess what I would like, ideally is to find a Trinity realationship. I recently saw a show on Netflix called, "You, me, and Her" and that felt like a nearly accurate sense of lifestyle that made me feel at home.

I do think many people imagine it as a cup of "love" that has to be refilled and can only be in one hand at a time. This is a kind of thinking that is enforced as a narrative of western society but is, in my view rather narrow in scope for understanding what love can be. I like to think of it as caring. Caring to give. Making an effort to share, connect, exchange and all with respect.

This is meant to continue the conversation.

LatexHer​(dom male) • Oct 16, 2018

I am a happily married Dom! My wife, my slave and I play at times but as we have aged our play is no longer a weekly affair. I have throughout our dating many years ago always had other women available to me for play. She herself has tried some Bi-sexual love with other women but has found that this is not her forte. Keeping our relationship alive takes time and effort on both of our behalfs. Enjoying other ladies (submissives) for me is enticing and a valuable addition to our lifestyle! My woman does not have a problem with watching other females suffer and enjoy pleasure in our FunGeone, which is a turn-on for her even if she does not participate!

As I indicated - sex can be fun even past 60! Enjoy life all - cheat the Reaper as long as you can!

MasterBear​(other butch) • Oct 16, 2018

It is possible but it requires daily work and clear boundaries.

It also requires a "D" type that doesn't play games.

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Oct 17, 2018

We are not all in 24/7 or live with our kink partner, so I don’t see why it will be a problem!
And I am sure they are a lots of kinksters who just have it in the bedroom only
As for emotion well it’s a personal level
I don’t get emotional in my world, just care and respect