The Partners That Come Before “Him”

The Partners That Come Before “Him”

submissiveMe​(sub female){Not yet :)} • Oct 7, 2018

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I’m fairly new to the lifestyle. Really only been exploring in my local community actively just under a year, though I’ve been searching for the Dominant I fit with several years.

I’ve come to realize that waiting alone isn’t working. I don’t learn or explore enough and have decided to extend myself to partners who will not end up being the one.

But coming from a vanilla background it’s challenging redefining roles. I have a current play partner who is pretty new. Just a month. I’m really enjoying him. He’s not Looking for a committed thing—for a dedicated sub or partner. I’m good with that. I’m also very open, honest and real all the time, and a warm and affectionate sort. If I’m fucking you I want to know you and will care about you on a deep level. I can’t not.

I’ve got no desire to label or corral someone not into commitment. I don’t want or need to limit the life of my play partner, but I also can’t turn who I am on and off either. Is it expected, generally, that ongoing play partners in the lifestyle have really set boundaries that are not crosssd between play and life outside of play? To me it feels right that play include friendship and intimacy which comes from building connection. But what I’ve got going on now is extreme intimacy (not just sex but in closeness and words) for a night a week, then at daybreak this straightarm thing that happens. A reserve comes up distancing me til the next week.

I requested a conversation about it so we could understand each other and talk about some specifics so we really get each other and can just enjoy without the awkwardness but that didn’t work out. I guess I’m just really inexperienced in how this works. It’s another world.

Anyone else have similar experiences? How do you learn to navigate this so everyone feels good about it and is happy? That’s what I want.

CrimsonPaw • Oct 7, 2018

Great question!

However, I don't think you'll get a one size fits all answer. Each dynamic is different.

I would suggest making your desires and expectations known to your Dom and see if he is willing to accommodate. If there's no compromising perhaps it would be best to go separate ways and continue to search for a better connection.

These things can be so complicated. Hope it all works out the way you are wanting it to.

submissiveMe​(sub female){Not yet :)} • Oct 7, 2018

Thank you. I’ve actually done just that. We’ll see.

I guess I’m wondering what is more common. Maybe I don’t fully understand usual dynamics. Though I know one size fits all is a myth

CK45​(sub female) • Oct 8, 2018

Thanks for posting this sM.
Hard to shut ourselves off like that, especially when we are the type to get into the connection.
Hope you get some clarity when you discuss the topic.

Bunnie • Oct 8, 2018

Hi @ submissiveMe
I can’t really offer any suggestions, however I can share my experiences in a hope that it might give you some sort of outside perspective.
I’ve struggled with this from the moment I began exploring, so I can completely understand where you’re coming from. I joined a group quite early on and met some awesome people, although none that stood out to me as a potential Dom, so I kind of settled into exploring with a person (I was his bunny). We developed the connection you speak of, and despite a lot of pre-negotiations and open and honest communication, things ended because one wanted more than the other. It was a big eye opener for me, and I realised that casual play wasn’t for me. I realised that I was shutting off so much of the experience by trying to compartmentalise everything. I also realised that even though I was capable of doing that, my play partner was not, and I ended up breaking his heart. That wasn’t fair. I didn’t want to experience that again, so I ended up deciding to go the other way and not play, because I too desire connection, and I realised that I was selling both myself and my partner short by participating in what began to feel like “empty” play for me. However, I do often find myself coming back to the idea. It is frustrating feeling like you’re wasting valuable time “just waiting.” What I’ve come to realise for myself is that this is no different from my pursuit of a vanilla-land relationship... it just has different elements. So I don’t worry so much about the play anymore, I’m just doing my thing until I hopefully happen to meet someone I click with.
All I can suggest is keep those channels of communication open and flowing. What happens from there is something that one person doesn’t have control over... it takes both of you. Good luck with it, and if you find a way to balance it all out, please be sure to come back and tell us

submissiveMe​(sub female){Not yet :)} • Oct 8, 2018

Thank you for the thoughtful replies.

I will say it’s just been a month. He is just out of a 10 year relationship and that takes time to recoup from so I have no expectations of commitment. I’m just enjoying him. The sex is phenominal and includes a level of intimacy on both sides that’s also great.

But the communication isn’t there. I requested a conversation but received more questions back via text instead. I hate texting anything real. But I feel a normal healthy ongoing D/s relationship—even a more casual one like this requires a certain level of communication outside of straight play time. There are things that should be made clear and understood. Life safety. Birth control. Other partners and safety in regards to that. Also things like what each person desires and needs. Clear understanding of how things said or done in play are perceived outside of play. If the Dom says “tell me you’re mine” during play, is that just a statement of lust or does it mean some kind of extended relationship. Communication is necessary to have clear compatibility I think.

PappaBear • Oct 8, 2018

First off, I'd like to say that the subs on this site are pretty awesome... Can't really speak for other sites. Ame, Bunnie, and CK (alphabetical order) you all.

@ sM: You are dead on! If you feel the communication should be there, then the communication needs to be there. (my personal feelings is COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE). For the Dominant to do his or her job... we have got to know from you what you want and don't want. Your need comes out of that knowledge. The only way to keep pushing your limits after you know what they are is the same. COMMUNICATE! Can't scream it loud enough. You have a question, he needs to understand that it is important.

As far as him having you tell him you are his and what does he mean goes... that is a question only he can answer. If I say this during play, for me personally, and in the scene or construct of play in which this takes place, it is not consent outside of the scene for further arrangements or alterations outside of the scene. The only way She is mine in an ongoing 24/7 dynamic, is if it is negotiated and only as long as she consents to remain bound by it. As soon as she says NO in any implied measure... then the negotiation is null and void and consent has been revoked, Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.00. No can be implied... Consent is not.

OMG I think I just spoke in lawyer... I am NOT a Lawyer.

...and hey! Welcome to the Cage

CrimsonPaw • Oct 8, 2018

Awe thx Pappa Bear! And good choice for going alphabetically

Sybil • Oct 8, 2018

I’m in a similar situation being the one just getting out of a long term 7 years vanilla relationship and was not looking or wanting a commitment still don’t!!! However I do understand the need for communication. I think it’s needed. I personal want to get to know the person I’m with their needs and wants or even if it’s just to check in. Open communication is key for me I need it can’t see me doing D/s without that component.

I think any healthy relationship needs some form of communication to truly work.

Dragonsness • Oct 8, 2018

Hello sM

When I was new to this, I learned in a place like "The Cage". A lot of online chat and IM.
Through that, I did meet a few people in person.
Some were just play partners, but some were more.

I guess I was lucky. I never got emotionally attached to any of the play partners. The Doms and my Master?, Those that have held my leash?, Well that's a different story.

As those before me stated, communication is key. It sounds as if you've tried very to include it in your relationships. But when it's lacking, or refused... It's time to move on.