For many years I did intence exercise. I loved the feeling of pushing my body to the limits and if at the end I wasn't a complete mess of sweat, sometimes blood and nearly tears I hadn't given my all. There were times when I pushed so hard I spewed and other times when workouts reduced me to tears and I was a crying mess. My friends thought it strange of me to be in love with something so full on. They didn't understand the desire I had to push myself. I didn't care if my hands would rip on the bar, if I had brusses on my legs or if I had skin grazes on my collar bones. I also loved to encourage others to do so and to be apart of a like minded community. We all banded under the fact that we were all a little crazy and we liked it. The harder or crazier the workout the better. It would always start with "Oh crap they can't be serious, they want us to do what?" And by the end of the explanation and warm up your mind would switch to beast mode. "Im going to own this bitch!!!!"
I became addicted. I took part in local competitions, I studied and became a couch and I loved it. The more I learned and hurt the better. You got used to hurting everyday. It was only the different levels on different days.
Now I haven't been in that environment for nearly 2 years since having my second child. Only because I haven't had the time or the money NOT because the desire to be pushed wasn't there. Now is it strange that my interest in submission and desire for light to mild pain started growing a year ago... maybe a little longer. It makes me wonder if it all releases the same endorphins into my blood stream. Everything I loved about my fitness back then I also am finding here. Granted it is not as intense because I have literally just started this discovery. But it has had me thinking. The pain, the mental growth, the banding of community, the desire to push more to want more is all there. To reduce myself until I am bare. Hungry and eager.
The more I look back on my life the more I see parts of me trying to express and escape the holds the world had put on me. I can now say I am happy to he listening to myself rather than conforming to what I had been led to believe is right. One size does not fit all and I am ok with that . Even if this shit scares the hell out of me sometimes lol
