I have a cycle that I tend to always do. A defense system which we all have and apply differently. It is there to protect us and keep us safe. But to let someone in past those defenses is to be truely vulnerable. To trust that they will not use those things against you. My defense like many is to emotionally block someone when they become too close. I can use work or stress to hide my insecurities and use as an excuse to hide.
First I acted like a brat, then I became defensive and pushed away..... and he didn't come back. He didn't play into my game. Said he could see I needed space so he let me be..... NO I think with a stomp of my mental foot. You are supposed to come after me, get me to open up not run away. It made me even more mad but I couldn't let it go. He said I could call. He allowed me to hear his voice before I slept which always settles me. And in that conversation he did what he does best. We talked. He analysed and told me to tell the truth. The real truth behind why was I acting this way. He pulled me open and revealed my vulnerability.
And I learned for me what my true submission is. Its not kneeling at someone's feet or letting them do glorious things to my body. It is my mind. To trust that my mind and my heart will be cared for. Im a control freak which is difficult in a submissive. So to let go of that mental control, to mentally hand my issues to someone else who I trust and just.... let..... go. Is the hardest thing for me. And as he said last night THAT is my true submission. To come to him and tell him I need him. Im an independent woman. But I need him and he will only enter my head space when I invite him. No games. He will just walk away if I don't ask. Acknowledging and then being vulnerable is so hard for me. Saying I need help. That I need him.
But he did it. And it makes my heart smile. I feel like a weight has been lifted. And by this weekend I also get to feel the strength of his words in the form of his embrace. To hold me till I no longer need holding. To just let me know everything will be ok. He has reached a part that very very few people have gotten past and he did it by breaking me down, seeing past my answers and asking for more. Till i was crying. Not because he was hurting me but because I was finally being honest. Then he told me the one thing that I never want to hear. That I failed. I failed because of my behavior but I did eventually correct that. That I am safe to fail with him and he expects it. Because that means I am learning him. I hate being told Ive failed. I hate feeling like I am anything but perfect which in itself is stupid. To let me crumble in front of him and to be told its ok. That he is still here just makes me long for him more.
