Hindsight is an amazing thing. The things that I wish I new when I first started. But I guess that is the process we must all go through. I had an experience this week that rattled me a little so I thought I would share in the hopes to help others.
I first started here on cage about 2 to 2.5 years ago. It was my first experience of an online community and a BDSM community. I only planned on peeking behind the curtain to see if it was for me. I can very happily say that it has been amazing so far.
Since I was “fresh meat” so to speak I was a little naïve. The attention you receive as a new person on the scene/website can be a great confidence booster. At the time I thought that I had a pretty good filter for sifting through the wannabes. But I did find myself entertaining the thoughts of being a little adventurous. My biggest mistake was thinking that relationships and encounters online could not hurt me in real life. Yes I know I can hear you all scoffing at me but its true. I thought using a different name, separate email address, not showing my face on my profile and all that stuff would keep me fairly anonymous. But then I decided to do some online play to see if I liked it. I met someone (from Cage but will remain nameless). It was fun role playing and yes I sent pictures or we would cam. After a week he started to become quite obsessive and wanted more and more of my time. To the point it made me feel utterly uncomfortable and regretting my decision in the first place. He was overly demanding and needy. When I told him I didn’t want to do it anymore I was bombarded with constant messages day and night. I ended up having to block him on Kik and on Cage…… then I happily forgot all about him and was a lot more cautious in my encounters.
Fast forward 2 years to this week. I received a random “Hi” message from a “submissive”. To which I am pretty sure she does not exist and possibly does not know her pictures are used on the account…. Not sure just a hunch…… I was cautious. “She” then messaged me a few days later saying that her Master misses me….. I was like what? The name next to her profile is not one that I recognized. I advised sorry not sure what you’re talking about. “She” then proceeded to describe some of the things I had done and I felt my face instantly become flustered. Because even though I actually don’t remember it, they described details true to me. I again said sorry I don’t know. Because I genuinely didn’t and just hoped the details were a coincidence. Nope. Then this “Master” magically appeared told me his name and asked, "Do you not honestly remember me? We did xyz and here are the photos to prove it" (screen shots of a video that I had done stripping) .
I WAS MORTIFIED. I don’t share images anymore, I haven’t in ages and if I do its with someone I have talked to for months and trust immensely. He said I had consented to the images (which at the time was probably right), he continued with how much he has missed me and I told him I would report him...…. Which I have.
Now this was in a private chat that he showed me, however this was under “her” profile. So either it is a fake profile for his own devious plans OR she does exists and has seen the images of me. Either way it is disgraceful. And makes me feel sick to think of how many people might have seen it. Mostly because I am an extremely private person, who just made a mistake on exploring some role play with a stranger.
Now as I said this all happened when I was new. The actions and things you do when you start out can have a massive roll on effect. This has been my first instance of this thankfully.
I thought it appropriate to list a few tips on keeping safe (online) for anyone starting out and if I have missed something please feel free to add in the comments below. By all means play and have fun just be smart.
1. If sending pictures do not include your face or any other identifying features (eg birthmarks, tattoos, ect)
2. If you are across different BDSM sites I recommend keeping different profile names as if you have an issue with someone on one site it should hopefully make it harder for them to locate you on the next one.
3. If concerned about work or alike finding out, start a separate “kink” email address that you are the only person with access to it. And it goes without saying do not use work or friends computers to look up your kinky things.
4. Never give out your full name, address, phone number or even email address until you know that it is safe to (I’m talking in a dynamic or months of talking)
5. Remember that people will say anything to manipulate you to be able to give them what they want. They will make excuses, shame you or bully you. If they truly care about you and respect you they will give you the time and space you need to feel comfortable (this goes for photos, contact details and then of course anything in real life). If it doesn’t feel right its probably not.
6. Do not include too much personal information on your profile. (face photos, contact details even for kik)
7. Be selective with who you let into your circle.
8. Beware of certain behaviors – not letting you talk to friends, not respecting the things important to you (family time, work restrictions) If they are demanding you jeopardize this time for them they are not worth your breath. Jealousy, quick to anger or a manipulator. A tip that a good friend once told me is saying No to a small request is a good way to judge how that person reacts to things.
9. If you do run into trouble do not delete the messages. Screen shot conversations as proof when blocking or reporting someone.
10. AND PLEASE REPORT THEM. Even if you think it is something small. For all you know the person making you uncomfortable has done it to multiple others and if you all report it then something can be done.
To recap on my story cause it was long. I was new and naïve, sent images I shouldn’t have to someone I really didn’t know (my fault). Someone I had to eventually block on all communication forums, his profile was deleted from cage and has now returned talking to me under a submissive profile and showing me photos of myself as “proof” to justify himself…… this behavior is not ok. I am just thankful he is in another country.
Be aware of who you are letting into your life, even through friendships.
I actually consider myself to be an open person. I enjoy conversations with people and like to think that a large majority of people have good intentions. Maybe I’m still naïve who knows, it is just the way I was raised. To see the good in people. But that does not mean that I need to accept everyone into my life. My private life is my sanctuary. So please remember to be safe as you play, explore and learn.
