One thing on my mind today is fear. Specifically how to first listen to my fears and second remove them. I've realised, just like many people, I have a fear of failing. I have a fear of being seen as the bad person. I Lose Myself to my fears completely subconsciously. I let them control me and I let them allow the capacity for people to use them against me. Overcoming fears is so not an easy process (obviously) and I'm kind of struggling to figure out where to start. The biggest fear that I want to remove from my psyche is the fear of disappointing people, the fear of people not liking me because this fear has caused me to live a life controlled by others. Specificly right now it is causing me financial harm. Because I'm afraid to be the bad guy yet again and I'm afraid to loose a friendship and potentially make my life difficult, to invite complexities and anxieties back into my life because I would be changing the rules. However if that was the result of me standing my ground I accept that it is the other person's issuer not mine.
I think for me personally though I need to find a way that's it's comfortable with who I am and my characteristics but by setting boundaries and sticking to them. Learning to express myself when things are not for my benefit. Especially if this means that I am putting myself in a lower position to help raise somebody else up higher. I also need to learn to accept that sometimes I will be perceived as the bad person and to know deep within myself that that's ok. I constantly put other's first I say the words "yeah sure that's ok" way too easily. I over commit I don't vocalise and in that moment I'm not being true to myself. I really don't know how to make this step it's really something that I want to be able to do because it's weighing me down and I need to find a way of letting go of that big boulder.
After 17 years in a relationship I walked away with the bare minimum so that I may be free. And i went into survival mode. I accepted all the guilt that came with a broken relationship. Because the sad thing was, I beleived it. I allowed my fears of disappointing and I allowed the shift of guilt and I accepted it and I've carried it. And I'm sick of carrying it.
I need to find a strength but I don't know where to find it. When you are so conditioned to accept guilt, when there is always a manipulative undertone, to just accept that I was always wrong it is hard to break that tie even though it has now been a couple of years those tendencies are still present. I know that it is about valuing my own self worth and I've been pretty good at building myself up so far. I feel like these are the last few battles to push through and once I do I'll finally be freed from it.
So I'm stripping back. Being naked. Being vulnerable. Being open. Acknowledging that im affraid. Acknowledging that I cant control other peoples perceptions of me. But to just be me. To find the reason why i feel this way. To stop people using my empathy against me..... because i understand now that it is my choice to allow this treatment of me. Its easier now for me to say no at the start but to go back to old acquaintances/relationships/dynamics and stand up for myself is 100 times harder.
