There are 2 parts of myself that I am learning to nurture, handle and understand at the same time.
I am a fantastic mimicker. It was a skill I learned as a child and followed it through my psyche till adulthood. Unnoticed by me and most the people around me. Im also an empath which additionally helps me adapt very quickly.
My past Dom called me a Chameleon. That I have a great ability at assessing somebody's needs and desires of me and adjusting myself very quickly. Almost within seconds. It is a survival technique and one that is used to actually show my vulnerability. Which is to be accepted. And he spotted it immediately but waited for me to recognize it. Something that I am working on atm is external validation and to not be so reliant upon it. This is my hardest challenge yet. Im finding myself having to read things over and over week to week to grasp them properly. Undoing something I have done naturally since being a child takes time.
On my opposite side I can be quite controlling, a leader in groups and driven. I automatically take charge if no one else does. I become agitated if there is no structure. Especially in academic or work settings. I have no problem in having a team and organising them to function. Sort issues. Delegate. Contribute. I also have no problem not being in charge if the process seems logical to me. I have lived in my logical, controlling, masculine centre for too long. So long that its comfortable but not fulfilling in the slightest. Actually it frustrates me when I am required to fill that roll.
So how can these elements coexist. How do I have two complete opposite behaviors. One showing my confidence and the other my vulnerabilities.
In truth they are BOTH my vulnerabilities. The fear of being seen and the intolerance for trust in people. However I dont see them completely as negatives.
"It is the flexibility of the self that allows us to explore new territories, rediscover and recreate who we are from time-to-time. This is also a very important process in life as it leads to maturity, change of horizon's and psychological growth. For that to happen however we need to know who we really are. Why? So then we won't end up betraying our core values and forgetting what truly drives our motivations" @abigail-dantes/need-for-approval-and-external-validation
When I enter my Chameleon state I thankfully only seem to copy the traits I see as positive ones. Which as I now know it to be, is the light that is within myself but I do not recognize it. I disable myself and hand that power to the person I see as where I want to be.
So I have been treading water this week constantly mulling over the same thought process. Additionally trying to let go of somebody who started this fire in the first place. Questioning why it is that I still feel that I need their validation to continue. Wishing for their guidance. But the truth is, this is my journey and deep down I do know that. Sometimes it just feels like I've been guided into a deep dark forest and once I don't know my way back, I've been pushed in and left to find my own way out.
All I can do is what I have been doing. Being gentle with myself, observing myself, journaling, reading, exercise, meditate to quiet my mind. Breathe to release the pressure on my throat and sleep. Made a list of things that drive me, that im passionate about or that I want to learn and using that as my process for growth.
I am grateful for the things I receive. For they help me grow and to not stay comfortable. I am grateful for the love I received, although short its possibly all I needed. Trying to learn to flow and not fight. Sending out much love and gratitude
