It occurs to me that I have a warped idea of what relationships are. We all have that desire to love and be loved but my previous experiences (although lovely) have led me to a place at the moment which gives me a negative perspective. And I didnt realise it until this morning.
One of the main reasons why I am not in a relationship or dynamic is because I still have dreams and things I want to do. As in, that I feel relationships are restrictive. Even in my recent last encounter with someone as soon as we made that commitment I instantly thought of the things I couldnt do, or that would have to change and be modified. Im not talking about anything sinister. Im talking of going on a holiday or plans I had made for myself. Goals, ambitions, new things I wanted to learn and activities I want to do. It is ridiculous of me to think that i can not complete or do these things that I intended (by myself) once I enter a relationship. They go on hold and I think oh well I better postpone or change that idea.
Why do i do that?
Maybe its to please others?
I make allowances for them but not for myself. And it is nothing that they do, its a conversation that happens in my head.
I know it comes from the lack of support of my ideas and expressions in the past. Carried over baggage.
Dont get me wrong I actually think it is healthy to have different interests and even seperate activities to your partner. Everyone has their thing and needs their space. But to postpone or cancel plans all together because i enter a relationship instantly sets a mindset that my ambitions and dreams are of no importance to myself. Self sabotage. Not in a relationship but sabotage of loving myself. Instantly placing myself lower and disempowering me. And it happens in a millisecond in my mind.
I beleive that it requires an internal balance. Of course with reason there are things that take adjusting and allowances for another person in my life, but not a take over. Not to put all my things on the backburner because that is not being honest with myself or them. That is keeping a part of myself locked away from them. Understanding that I dont have to be affraid of acceptance. True, honest loving acceptance is more scary to me than anything else. Its what I desire but also what makes me hide.
Subsequently it leads me to be restrictive and less open. Once the relationship ends I have my moment and then think..... time to get back to my life. All of that is so negative I never even realised my actions before. Being open in every form except with myself. Not bringing my genuine self to the process, instantly believing things will not work. Obviously something that I need to change.
