Trying to shift my focus and i wanted to relay that in a blog post.
Ive been stuck in a hole.
Well I feel I was put there but I keep on trying to pull people under me to use as ladders to claw myself out.
So enough of the self loathing poor me crap.
I'm submissive by nature. I am not aggressive but i can be bossy. I can also be extremely stubborn. Im needy but in a good way 😉 I fall for people easily. I create connection easily. But I am not easy lol.
I take effort. I take communication and lots of it. I take funny jokes and sarcasm to open up. I enjoy a strong hold on my head and heart to feel valued. I enjoy service, rules and rituals. Beyond enjoy. I love it. I love knowing i have pleased the one who pleases me. I love feeling that connection through physically doing what is asked of me. I love to give, and do it freely once i am assured that i am loved and cared for. So yes i am submissive but guess what. Im also a human being......
What??!!! Oh yeah did you miss that point. That i have actual feelings. That i can be a mess and emotional and a bitch. Yep thats me. But that is when i feel a dominant should shine. To see that my lashing out is a cry for help. To hold me and let me get it out. To tell me no matter what im still theirs and loved. To punish me when needed. To talk with me till my brain is calm. Dont ignore me. Ever. This is detrimental and damaging. All this does is teaches me how to be without. How to live without. That is not what i want.
Because another part of being human. I am not perfect. No one is. My life right now is difficult and that means sometimes i cant hold my shit together. Please don't chastise me for that. I am human. I am submissive. I am loving. I am needy. I am giving. I am in the process of falling back in love with myself. Not an easy thing to do. I have decided to try to add skills to my service. Hence this is an area that makes me happy. Dance, massage, cooking classes and anything else i can think of.
Trying to undo the mental ropes stopping me from feeling free, put their by others BUT i let them keep them there. I let them tye me down. Because i knew no different. But i do now. Slowly those ropes are being untied and their strength becoming weaker. I have never ever been pushed to question myself as i have on this little exploration of self. And i love it. It is hard. It is daunting but i am learning sooo much. Even the pain of the mind and heart has me leaping for joy. I am alive. I am pushing myself. Who knows where i will end up (hopefully tied up somewhere with the man i love hands on my throat or entangled roughly in my hair) mmmm distracted where was i... oh yeah right..... change. Im changing it all. But it is a slow process. I shouldn't say change actually more an evolution. Im not changing. Just my circumstances are. So i hope you enjoy my Rollercoaster. If you have been able to follow this post and get to the end, then well done i applaud you lol. Although im not sure it was communicated clearly this was intended to be positive. I feel the change within that i have been waiting for. To stop sitting around. To be proactive. I will still be emotional at times and i brat as well (just learning how much i can be that way recently) but i am getting up and attacking rather than sitting there and taking whatever is handed to me. Growing a spine :)
Sending much thoughtful love xx
Star
