First off, discovering that there were other people with the same desries and urges as well as similar life experiences has been amazing and i dont regret a single part (well not yet lol).
But BDSM made me do something......... Question. Not only my desires and where they orginated from, but eventually every aspect of my life. I used to be happy and comfortable (so i thought). I used to just simply accept that what i had was enough. So what if i hardly ever had an orgasm or found the 9 to 5 mundane and boring. Like so many others. I accepted that was the normal. Buy a house, get a career, raise a family, contribute to society and be socially acceptable.
Until i stumbled upon some writings that i connected with. That felt like the emotions and thoughts that i tried so hard to bury. I tried running to the point of mental exhaustion, writing to express myself. The more i tried to control it the stronger that pull became. So i took a peak to see what i could find. Harmless right???? To peer through the curtains and see what naughtiness unfolds behind them.
So i continue to question. To listen to my own thoughts and judgment. To figure things out for myself. I feel for the first time i am actually growing up. Learning to speak up to say what i desired. I started incorporating things into my life and low and behold it was amazing. Woohoo what an eye opening experience to let me know i was in the right track. But i wanted more. And more. And more. Deeper connection. Emotionally and mentally. Domination and the feeling of ownership. To feel the blush and heat in my face, the electricity surge through my body. These urges keep feeling like they are pulling me deeper and seperating me from the usual. Some say i am a dreamer. Some of them are kinky friends too.
So now im in a state of uncertainty. Im changing my life to have what i want. Sometimes those details are not so clear, and it is daunting. Sometimes i feel like there's something wrong with me. That i should be happy with what i have. But realising that i am fine. I am more than fine. Im discovering myself and trying my hardest to embrace my unknown future. Still conscious of those around me, but not letting their thoughts become my own.
So lets raise our glasses to the future. Yes BDSM has ruined me for my vanilla life. Now my vanilla has swirls of exotic flavors. Each more delicious than the last. Im not throwing my vanilla life away. Im enhancing it with flavors and colours. To feel fulfilled and to pass that feeling and excitement onto my family and friends. I most definitely do not know what the hell i am doing 😄 and im absolutely fine with that
