So here it comes. I can feel its presence. That cold grip on the back of my neck...... am i doing the right thing. Could i have tried better. Am i just running away. Why can i not be happy with what i have.
And that my friends is the real question. To many on the outside it looks like i have everything i could possibly want. That i must be out of my mind to want to change that.
I have security in my decisions not only given to me by myself but also by others.
"If it doesn't work i will always be here for you"
So turn me on my heals and push me into the dark. See how i go by myself. Set me up to fail so that i will return.
I am so closed off that i feel i have no other option. Taking responsibility for my own emotions. Nobody else is going to save me from myself. No rules, tasks or floggings will chase these feelings away. But staring them right in the eyes is confronting. Because this state i have been in is not me. And not who i want to be. Withholding and not being truthful to myself or to others.
Because i was scared of everything.
But by doing nothing i was killing myself. By moving forward i hurt others. But i can not give if i am dead inside.
I wish to be cherished and cared for. To be pushed when i need it and to learn that deep trust in handing over without a second thought. Without that i am depressed. I felt it once before, that pull and deep connection, so I know i can find it again. It might take me a long time but i sadly can not find it by sitting still. So i am going out to wander the forest and smell the new spring flowers. Taste the fresh spring and explore my surroundings.
My apologies this blog started out as one thing and completely changed to another. Much like where my mind resides these days. But clarity i hope is coming. At least a little.