I know my last blog post was not so positive but I am in a better headspace now. Sometimes I need to fall on my face to see what I have and to determine my path.
In doing so I hope to become a little stronger each time. To come out more determined and I realised a few things while I was in my dark place.
1. Im not a horrible person for going after my own happiness. I will not take on the guilt of other peoples actions and make them my own. I did not break what was already cracked.
2. As a friend said to me - It's ok to want what I want. This might seem like a simple thing but it really did bring it home for me. Even in my submission it is ok for me to want a certain partner. Its ok for me to be a bit different. Accepting that what I WANT is actually ok was a big deal. Yes I am picky. Yes I want more than what many others want. But I lived in the shadows of someone elses desires for so long I did not break free to compromise again.
3. I am stronger than what I give myself credit for. Ive been told I'm stubborn as if that was a negative thing. That my actions in my vanilla life dont indicate I'm submissive. Well to those I say that's just because they are not strong enough for me. And yes I am determined, stubborn and strong willed when you push elements that are deeply important to me. So I choose to use these elements as my strengths. Only then will I find the stronger to hold them.
4. I deserve better. I deserve the life that i want and there is nothing wrong with that.
Im a strong believer in learning from my mistakes and yes i make a few. But i am only human. Learning to accept and let go is my next path for myself. I choose to not be a victim of my circumstances anymore. Things are not perfect. I am not perfect. But im choosing to try to find the good from every day.
Sending much thoughtful love.
Star
