Im starting to get used to this little lul moments i have. Where i feel like retracting from open communication and just stick to the basics. Walls go up and i become defensive. I think my mind does this as i am still to this day doing things to please others. Its draining. And im talking about submission. I'm talking of ex's, parents and "friends". But it is me who suffers. It makes me feel like im incapable and doubt that i want this lifestyle. But as i confided in someone recently he noted that is what a Master is for. I have a mother hen complex where i try and shelter, help and encourage others where i can. But i struggle to accept the same type of help. Being stubborn and proud.
That is what a Master is for......... to take that burden off of my shoulders. To listen. To encourage. To guide. But how do i let them do that when i struggle to hand over the reins. Trust and time i guess are the answers. All i know is i dont want to keep being someones emotional and mental play toy when i dont give them the permission too. That has been my week so far. I dont want my kids to miss out on things so instead of fighting i just do it. I hate that my father is silent about anything that is important to me, accept to voice his disapproval of my choices..... and i hate that i still care. Having a not too close friend burst into tears in front of me because he has no one and wants to put me in his will!!!! No wonder it is too much for my brain right now. No wonder when i speak to a prospective Master i shut down. I want his comfort but then at the same time find it annoying. People say i need time. I dont think time fixes these things. They will always be here and so will my doubts. What i need is a new perspective and maybe an armoury of tactics to help me push through. Cause half the time i feel like giving it all up. Everything is getting so busy now i can't wait for the next few weeks to be done with. Im not even looking forward to Christmas although im trying. I think next christmas will just be a holiday away wirh my kids. A little place we can escape to. Next year may not be brighter BUT it will be whatever make of it. And THAT i am looking forward to. Each little baby step i get stronger.
Writing here helps me. Unfortunately i tend to only do it when things are not going my way lol. Anyway.....
We push on, we conquer then we set a new task for ourselves and thats all i can do.
