Im 36, a mother of 2 beautiful children, i work and support us all.
I thought having children made me a woman. Made me an adult. And kids do make you grow up fast. Not that i was immature but all of a sudden i had little people who relied on me for every simple thing. And i loved it. Now not so much lol trying to teach them to think, feel and do for themselves. But i digress.
I took a leap of faith last year. I left my partner of almost 18 years, because i realised that i was drowning there. Even though he tried to help me it just wasn't me anymore. And the thought of that scared the bejesus out of me. If i was not this person anymore who the hell was i? But i couldn't lie to not only him but myself anymore. So i left........ for the first time ever in my whole entire life i lived alone. They all said i couldn't do it. My ex, my parents. Yet here i am. Happier than i have been in years. Alone.
This time of my life was super stressful which im sure you can all appreciate or relate to. There was also other things going that added to the stress. And i lost who i was yet again. I stopped doing all the things i loved and just sat in my bubble and festered my self pitty and guilt. I was in shut down mode.
Fast forward a few months and i finally like a have more drive to pick back up my hobbies and love myself again. But i have realised something. I have never been given the chance to grow as a woman. To explore my femininity, my sexuality and to be ok with feeling desired. Ive never been ok with that. Rather sit in the crowd than be noticed. Stuck inside my shell.
Now i am being given the opportunity to do all that. Ive never had someone want me so much. And i dont mean just physically but everything. Mentally and emotionally. It brings tears to my eyes to think someone could want me so much and offer everything of themselves in return. Finally now i feel like i am becoming a woman. Well once i take that final step. Im scared shitless to take his waiting hand. Ive tried to trick myself and make excuses as to why i shouldn't go there. But everything inside of me is driving me, pushing me, wanting me to be happy and accept it. To let go. To become the woman i feel is waiting inside of me.
I worked through my guilt and i learnt its ok to want to be happy. To love myself and put myself first. It was hard and tbh im still working on it. And i did that by myself. But it is amazing to find someone who brings out sides of you who would otherwise stay locked away. Like a dirty little secret. But this secret is to be celebrated and magnified. To be continued......
