Last night, while I was super tired before my head hit the pillow, I couldn't fall asleep and composed this really awesome blog in my head. ...and of course, now I can't remember the half of it. 😜 This probably won't be as good, but it will suffice as to where I'm at in this moment.
In the past 9 months of this journey, I have come such a long way.
I've found my tribe - the place I can truly be myself in all my aspects.
I've made some lovely friends. I've met some of them IRL, an experience that is beyond words, and hope to meet more of my tribemates in the future.
I've played in ways I've never gotten to before. And yeah, there is this whole online vs RL debate, but for me, it's all real, just utilizing different platforms. The feels are real. If you interact with me, you get what you get whether it is here or IRL. No difference.
I've fallen in love when I least expected it and harder than I ever have. I've also fallen at a much slower pace and in a completely different way.
I've had my heart broken. Smashed to pieces....but even in that heartbreak, I learned. I grew.
I've been stretched and pulled and pried open in ways I couldn't imagine. All growth opportunities. Lessons learned.
Awhile back, I replied to a bog by Lil Red about being Needy.
Being needy is often seen in a negative way, as does being greedy. I think I've come to terms with it within myself. And am realizing that it is okay to have this high level of need. What may be unfair is to expect it all to be met from one source. From my time being a wife, mother, being in a D/s and my experiences here on the Cage...I've accepted that it is OKAY to have needs and to be needy. However, due to that high level, instead of thinking/feeling that my partners are less than for not meeting my needs or that they don't love me enough OR that there is something wrong with me for needing so much....I just have to find the "right" family that helps support it all.
I think that is the biggest lesson of all that I have embraced. Accepting all my various "sides", different aspects of my personality and submission, and being okay with the needs of all of them. No longer being hard on myself for having this level of need that just seems ridiculously impossible at times...well, trying to not be so hard on myself.
The next part of my journey is finding those missing puzzle pieces.
I've found five of them so far.
The primary piece outside of myself, is my Sir who is also my husband and the love of my life. He is my core. My center. 25 years of a shared life.
The second are my girls. My babies. The two little beings that have kept me going when I felt like giving up on this life.
The third piece was found and lost. It shattered into a million pieces and left a gaping hole that has overshadowed me these last 6 months. It is not to be replaced, but maybe it will be healed in time.
Another was a mere possibility that never came into being.
And one has been a lovely journey. This piece...she’s a part of me now. We’ve helped each other grow, love, break down walls (or bring them tumbling down and set on fire 😉 and taught each other how to open up and to have patience.
The next steps are daunting. Overwhelming, in fact. Downright terrifying, if I'm completely honest.
Where does this path lead? How will I get to where I'm going? Who will I meet? Will I find my pieces to make my puzzle complete?
*shrugs*
Time will tell...
