Adventures and Explorations

I haven’t been here in ages…

Life, in general, has not been overly kind as of late. It has resulted in an acceleration of my personal mental fortitude, intensified my boundary making, but also resulted in isolation from the world I once fell in love with and where I had felt I belonged. 

I decided to take a sabbatical from all things lifestyle, with the exception of the organically developing DDbg dynamic forming between myself and my partner - my first truly healthy relationship.

I haven’t visited here in ages, I deactivated on the other site, I dropped out as leader of my local community and even stopped attending events. I actually don’t go much of anywhere.

I lost my love and connection for it all. 

I recently started feeling a pull to come back to TheCage, my lifestyle origin home. 

So much has happened since the last time I logged into TheCage. So so much. Suddenly today I had the urge to log in and write. Maybe even visit chat.

I drifted away from here as my dating adventures took off. I was having fun. My needs were being met for the first time. I was finding more of myself. The puzzle coming together. I was happy. Content.

And then history repeated itself - spectacularly disastrous. A nightmare unfolded before me. One I always I feared and was glad for so many years that I avoided by being married and mono. 

My consent was violated. I was assaulted.

My PTSD triggered, body abused and infected, partners affected...a horrible domino effect.

If you've read my most recent blogs a pattern emerged. I lost my voice when I needed it most. Why?

I was no longer safe. I was no longer safe to be with. I called a halt everything. Dating, BDSM, sex. All of it.

I always look for the lesson in things that happen.

It's been a few months. My body has healed. My partners are healthy. But the mental toll... Not so much. I'm still picking up the pieces - digging deep, facing it, feeling it and most importantly learning from it. I learned why I lost my voice. My power. When it was taken. How.

It is time I took my power back. Break the cycle. Use my voice. Learn patience. Trust in myself and the rest will follow.

UPDATE at the end to clarify that I know I'm not to blame for his behavior and what my goal is with this post.

I woke up this morning to 7 sexually assaulting messages via DM by someone who had insulted me a few months ago and I had subsequently blocked another platform and my phone but apparently neglected to on another app. Out of the blue he reached out to me (and yes, I know I should not have engaged in the conversation and just blocked - I'm still asking myself why I did not).

During the brief exchange last night, he apologized for what he had said previously, saying he hadn't meant to hurt my feelings. Still, I wanted to know why he was contacting me. He knew he was blocked on the other platforms. He indicating he just was there for dialogue.

But then the sexual insinuations started and I reiterated that we are not compatible based on both what he had told me previously and my own thoughts on the matter. Again asked why he was contacting me. And again I should have blocked.

Then the dick pic came - supposedly as an enticement to what I would "love". At that point I ignored him and got distracted by a conversation by a friend that needed support. I should have blocked him before going to bed. I did not.

If the messages I had received this morning were sent after negotiation, discussion of limits and enthusiastic consent it could have been perfectly fine. But nowhere in our previous conversations had I indicated I was into those things, in fact...the opposite. In other words, he used my limits against me. So not only did he send unsolicited, non-consenual messages, he violated my limits on several levels. Limits I have for very specific reasons - they trigger my c-PTSD.

I am not responsible for his behavior, but I am responsible for not blocking him. I'm now stuck fighting off painful emotions and flashbacks because I did trust myself. I didn't listen to my gut. I allowed this person to violate me.

Why? Why would I risk that knowing this person was not a good person? This will be the focus of my therapy session today no doubt.

Remember my post on trust your gut? Yeah...do that. Don't wait for them to abuse you...cut the connection. They are not worth the damage they will cause.

I know I'm not at fault for his behavior. But that I'm more trying to understand WHY I didn't block him. Why I allowed it to continue. The thought was in my mind - just block him. Don't engage. Yet I didn't. What is it in us that allows abuse to continue? I can understand the complexities to leave when you live the person. It's rarely simple to just walk away. I even had an acquaintance ask how an online relationship can be abusive (per previous blog on listening to your gut) when you can simply block and move on. I explained then that it's the mental connection that leads to the abuse and makes it just as hard to walk away. But this...was someone I'd already blocked and barely knew. No relationship existed. So why did I not just block and move on??? This is the lesson I need to learn so that I do not repeat it. My guess is it stems from the trigger. Something I'm letting go to the back of my mind to process for a while on it's own and see what comes back.

We've all done it. Felt uneasy about a person (or situation) - something that was said, or an action that seemed odd, out of place or out of character. Maybe it was something they didn’t do or say. Perhaps their words were not matching their actions, stories too good to be true, or holes in the stories.

Did you listen to what your gut was telling you? Or did you explain it away, rationalize it, give them the benefit of the doubt.

Your gut is trying to tell you something is wrong and you need to learn to listen to it and walk away from the situation before someone (usually you) gets hurt. 

Learn to trust yourself. 

How many times have you had those feelings, seen those red flags and ignored them? Of those times that you’ve ignored them, how often has it bit you in the ass? I’m going to hazard a guess that more often than not, if not *every single time*, it has. 

This sucks in vanilla life whether it be in our jobs, our family or dating. Add in BDSM and some real harm can happen - both mentally and physically. 

When you are talking with a potential partner - doesn’t matter what side of the slash they are on - and you are getting a funny feeling, you can give them the benefit of the doubt. It may very well be a misunderstanding, a miscommunication, but don’t let it slide. Share your concerns. If they are worth trusting, they will respond without getting defensive. They will care more about your concerns than their ego. 

If they get upset (i.e. why don’t you trust me? I would never do such a thing? I’m not THAT kind of Dom(me)/sub) that can be yet another red flag. They are more concerned with their image than you feeling secure. 

Listen to yourself. *Trust in yourself more than a stranger.* 

Don’t rationalize it away. 

For example, I met up with someone and some things that were said and done didn’t match up with what I read on their profile. It also didn’t match up with how an experienced ethical person in the community would act. But instead of listening to my gut, I rationalized that the person liked mental sadism and they were just testing my reactions - a mind fuck, if you will. And me, being me, I gave them the benefit of the doubt. We set up another meeting a few days later - this time in private. 

The days in between, I had time to process the initial meetup and the red flags kept going off. I talked to my therapist. She challenged me to listen to my gut - to not rationalize it away (a bad habit I have). Others were also seeing the same flags I was. In the end, I decided to test the person. I asked to meet in a public place first. Guess what, they got defensive and called it off saying they would look elsewhere. 

In the end, I listened to my gut. I kept myself safe. 

Sometimes, we don’t see red flags early on or the person is really good at hiding the bad behind the facade they show the world. When you start to see things that don’t line up, holes in their stories, actions don’t match what they are saying. Pay attention. Listen to yourself. Question things. But if the red flags keep piling up, it’s time to consider seeking out a professional if the other person is willing. If they aren’t willing to work it out, it’s time to consider walking away. You can’t fix them. 

Here’s an example. I met a “Dom” we hit it off right away. I tend to trust people from the start and jumped head first down the rabbit hole. Sadly, there were a lot of red flags from the get go, but as I mentioned before, I tend to rationalize. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, way more than I should have. 

As time went on, I couldn’t ignore the fact that he made me feel like shit all the time. That the stories he told were too good to be true. I was starting to poke holes in his stories. Things weren’t adding up. And when I would go to him with my concerns, he would spin it around and I would fall back into line. It was toxic. Abusive. 

I got very lucky. When I started uncovering the truth bit by bit, he bailed before I could walk away on my own. In hindsight, I could not believe I allowed myself to ignore all the signs. To allow someone to abuse me the way he did. 

Pay attention to your gut. Listen closely to what it is trying to tell you. It has your best interests at heart. It’s telling you that the person in front of you is not a match for you. You deserve better. Walk away and keep looking for the one that doesn’t have red flags.

Oh...and listen to your trusted friends...and your therapist. LOL They can often see what we can’t when we are wrapped up in the excitement. Chances are you won’t believe them in that moment but keep it in the back of your mind. Because in the end, what they told you is gonna back up what your gut has been trying to tell you and help you make the decisions you need to. 

I saw a forum post today that caught my attention. It was an excellent question. I felt compelled to reply.... my reply kind of ended up a blog in response, so I am posted it here as well.

Here is the link to the forum post by @Badgirlblues​.
https://thecage.co/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=2853&start=0&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=

BDSM is inherently dangerous. It is both illegal and stigmatized in "normal" society. When doing something dangerous - it should NOT be spontaneous. That is how people get hurt or worse. BDSM, whether as a kink or lifestyle, requires an enormous about of knowledge BEFORE practice and continuing education as you practice. It also requires a LOT of self-reflection and analysis of why you are exploring this lifestyle and what your interests and limits are.

Can you imagine if someone just decided one day to call themselves a doctor and began performing surgery or prescribing medication?? Doctors go through nearly a decade or more of education before they can call themselves a doctor because it REQUIRES knowledge BEFORE practice. So why would you allow someone to have control over you or would you attempt to control and take full responsibility for another without learning how to first. Parents are an example of doing something without prior experience and look how well that turns out for so many kids (and their parents) when they aren't prepared to actually BE a parent.

Does it take away spontaneity? Yes. Absolutely. But if you are practicing safely (SSC) that is necessary so someone doesn't get hurt. People who participate in BDSM activities without knowledge, without vetting their partners or even just taking the time to develop trust FIRST can end up getting seriously messed up both emotionally, mentally and physically.

Once the trust, extensive communication and research happens, spontaneity can be introduced to the dynamic IF it is agreed to. It's called consent. If you have known your partner for a long time and you decide to give BDSM a try - you still need knowledge and an abundance of communication (and a lot of it), but experimenting can be accelerated because the trust should already be there if in a healthy relationship.

I had known my Daddy for 24 years before we started our journey in the lifestyle. I trusted him. I trusted him to not hurt me (in the bad way... but we still did a LOT of research however because the trust was already there, we could implement what we learned more spontaneously though slowly. Even with the trust, we still hit bumps along the way because we didn't know ENOUGH and because we didn't have the communication skills necessary. In hindsight, how we learned was more RACK than SSC in a lot of ways.

By having all that knowledge and learning to use communications skills effectively, enjoyment should be able to attained more quickly and less dangerously. IMO, it should be a requirement to practice BDSM.

This does not mean there is no enjoyment had along the way. And I think those experiences are shared quite frequently as people share their personal journeys. Which many here do.

But because there is so much misinformation out there and so many that DO jump in before learning, there are considerably more educational type blogs than experiential because those of us that really care about this community want people to be safe and impart the knowledge we have learned.

Though, I feel the really great blogs include both. Personally, if I write a blog - it literally is being written based on my own experiences and the knowledge is imparted along with the relating of the experience.

**This is my own opinion based on my personal experiences. I welcome commentary and discourse on the subject.**

Be kind to each other. Do your research. Be your freaky self.

😻Kitty😻

I've often been told I should share my experiences in written form. I, generally, share best in small groups or one on one. Whether in pm or chatting in the lobby or in person. But I do genuinely love to help others on their journey. So much so, I'm considering becoming a lifestyle coach/mentor.

Lately, newbies have been getting referred to me for help with their questions. Not gonna lie, it's a bit nerve wracking, but also I LOVE it. I enjoy sharing and helping others have good experiences in this lifestyle that I absolutely love. The sense of community I have searched my entire life for I have finally found. And to finally feel comfortable in my own skin, because exactly who I am...no longer hidden from the world.

So here is some beginner advice.

This is just what I have gathered over the years and observed and it is just the top of the iceberg. There is so much more...I hope some of this helps and if you have more questions, please don't hesitate to reach out - not just to me but others! Ask questions in chat. Listen to and observe others. Learn who has experience and ask them questions - on both side of the slash. Don't be afraid to ask those questions in the lobby. So many can answer your questions and give different perspectives, but also it could be helping other new people like yourself.

Just remember...no one has the "right" or "true way" answer.

Take it all in and go with what resonates most strongly with you AND do your own research. Lots of it!!! Read blogs, forum posts, google that shit!

Go to events and classes in your local community.

I learned here on Cage my first year. Too nervous to go out into the world. It helped prepare me and gave me the time I needed to learn and do research.

But the in-person community (I don't like the term IRL, because I truly feel online and in-person are valid lifestyles), is the most amazing experience I have ever known. The friends...the FAMILY...I have created and the experiences I have had compare to nothing else I have yet to experience. I could go on for days!

Fet is a great place to find local events in your area.

Don't be afraid. And if you are like me...I literally was in the lobby chatting the entire drive to the munch just to keep my courage up (and no, I wasn't driving). And if you don't like the first event/munch/group you go to, go again...it could be a different crowd. Or find another, but don't give up. And if there isn't a local community that is active or you are someplace that just doesn't have one (i.e. rural) - look for virtual events. It's not the same, but it is something!

Being new, there are many things, emotions, questions you may be having.

Is there something wrong with me for liking what I like?

The feelings that there is something wrong with us when we start out in this lifestyle is very common. Society's view on it is very negative and in most places the things we do are considered illegal.  I went through that stage. What is wrong with me for liking these things (i.e. pain, bondage, edge play, age play, etc.) or wanting more (i.e. poly lifestyle, D/s, DDlg, S/m, M/s, etc.). Because of my experiences here and out in the local community... I have no reached what I call the fuck-it stage. I am who I am and if someone doesn't like it...fuck it and fuck them.

There is nothing wrong with us. It is just a different way of living and the rest of the world hasn't caught up - BUT there are more of us out there than you will ever know. I found out my a professional I was seeing is on Fet - coworkers too! LOL

Now, if you are mentally unstable (not saying you are!!!!!), then that should always be dealt with by professionals first - then come back to the lifestyle...That being said, you will find there many find this lifestyle a type of therapy, meditation, centering, grounding. A way to find structure and guidance. And those are amazing things. This lifestyle will also teach you so much about communication that you will never have known otherwise - a sense of closeness one can rarely find in a vanilla lifestyle.

What role am I - which side of the slash - what label do I use?

Navigating your natural or chosen role is different for everyone. I'm more naturally inclined to be Dominant, however, I chose to focus on my submissive side. It allows me the chance to let go of all the control and pressure that I have on a daily basis with work, motherhood and maintaining a household. For others, it is a natural state of being. It's who they are.

There are also various sides to each side of the slash. A sub can be a slut, masochist, little, babygirl, princess, brat, service-oriented, etc. A Dominant can be strict, a Daddy (caring but firm), a Sadist, etc. You can be one or all or just some. And the great thing is YOU DON'T have to choose! You can explore each facet as it comes out and decide if it is truly something you enjoy or not.

I find that, for me personally, the aspects or traits or even the side of the slash depends greatly on who I'm interacting with and even what is going on in my life or environment at the time.

I think that is enough for now. Again, I hope that something in this blog resonates with you and helps you in your journey. My "door" is always open. And please feel free to share what you have learned on your journey in the comments.

🐠 shyparadox - You may be quiet, but you have a sharp with, an awesome sense of humor and a huge caring heart. I am so grateful we have met and are connecting on a deeper level. I look forward to seeing all your forward progress toward being the best version of yourself. 

🐟 NoQuarterGiven - You are amazing. You are calm, funny, playful, knowledgeable, handsome and a great person to have her on Cage. I’ve enjoyed the conversations we have had and look forward to many more. And one day, I will see those eyes, Daywalker. 

🐡 Dksnyc - I love seeing you in chat. You’re fun to hang out with, easy to talk to and that New York accent *purrs*. I’m so happy you are getting your dream life. And I cannot WAIT to have coffee with you next time you are in Chi-town.

🎣 Phage'Hadar - It has been a pleasure to see you in chat. You are kind, knowledgeable and handsome. You made my day when you told me my pet play comes across as a real kitty. 💞

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🐠 Mister Anderson - You are so entertaining in chat and easy to hang out with. You always manage to make me laugh, even if I don’t feel like it. And man do I want PIE! 

🐟 darlingnikki -  You are beautiful, funny, caring and supportive. I’m glad to have met you and looking forward to getting to know you better. Your commentary on working on and resisting tempting foods is inspiring.

🐡 obsequiae - I enjoy our conversations. You are genuine, funny and helpful, all of which are great qualities. I can’t wait til we can all get together in person. It’s gonna be a blast.

🎣 ScarlettSkye - Abbs, you are amazing. You work so hard and are accomplishing your goals. I’m happy to have met you and look forward to getting to know you more. I will always remember that “one night” *grins evilly*.

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🎣 TheChimera - Thank you so much for putting this together. It shows your generous heart. The caring you share with all of us. You are an amazing artist! You are absolutely hilarious - your voice clips have me literally laughing out loud. And you give the best rumble nuzzles.

🐡 Admis - You are just simply amazing. You are passionate, beautiful and a great sense of humor - dark, but hilarious. The similarities we share and the synchronicities make our friendship impossible to ignore. We love having you be part of our lives. We don’t see each other nearly enough - we both need to work on that! Don’t ever stop being you. I love you, mini-me. 😻

🐠 RogueSadist​ - I know you didn’t sign up for this, but meh...since when do I follow rules, eh? (You can beat me later… 😜😈) It’s been such a short time, but it feels like so much longer. You are so much fun to flirt with, easy to talk to and, of course, *pounce* on. You’re attentive, funny, and have an amazing caring heart. You have been there for me from the moment we met and that means more than you know. Thank you for being in my life and I’m truly honored you want me to be in yours.

🐟 latexbondagebunny - I know you didn’t sign up for this and you probably won’t be happy I added you, but I don’t care. You are a big part of my kink life and I couldn’t leave you out of this opportunity to tell the community how amazing you are. You have such a huge heart and fun to be around. You always know when I need you. You give the best snuggles and scritches. I treasure our long conversations, window shopping with you and supporting each other through some shitty times. You are my kink brother and I’ll love you forever. I can’t wait to see you again and get many more real huggs and snuggles with you.

💞  RedTailsSir - You are my everything: my rock, lover, Daddy, husband, my children’s father. You are sweet, caring, loving, funny and mean in all the good ways. There are not enough words to describe the depth of feeling I have for you...I couldn’t do this life without you.

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I've been following along to recent blogs and comments surrounding the "revolving door". Below are my own personal feelings on it.

Some of the comments I have read make a lot of sense, while others astound me in their lack of compassion.

People have a tendency to run when under duress. It's called "fight or flight" for a reason.

They post a blog and leave or post a blog "threatening" to leave. Then they go cool off and realize they really do want to stay.

Does that mean it's attention seeking? Maybe...maybe not. Are there better ways to handle it? Definitely. But in all cases, those people are hurting. Yes, we are all adults here and should handle ourselves as such. That being said, we are all in different places in our journeys and handle tough situations differently. And each situation is an opportunity for growth.

For me personally, I have never actually left, nor have I "threatened" to leave. But I have considered it several times in the time I have been here. And during those times, when I'm struggling with the pain and frustration I'm experiencing, I have blogged about it. Not to "create" drama or "seek attention" as some of the comments I have read suggest, but truly weighing the positives vs negatives of staying.

For example, is it remaining beneficial to my growth or more harmful to my well-being? I honestly cannot answer that question and haven't been able to for awhile. So, I blog (i.e. vent). It brings about some perspective and often it's in the form of the replies that follow. 

Now, I admit those that leave and come back can be a bit trying. Hell, I get annoyed with myself in those moments of weakness where I have chosen flight over fight. And I am not so naive that I don't understand the "cry wolf" analogy holding some truth. But perhaps, that person is just not ready to face the challenge of that growth opportunity put before them.