After a pain-filled day (picture a migraine but instead of your head it is your body), followed by a necessary, stressful, heart-wrenching conversation last night, I didn’t sleep very well. I expected to because of the pain meds and my mind racing didn’t help.
But waking to a dream that strikes at one of my worst fears/insecurities with a strange morbid ending was not nice.
My Sir stood before me, an emotionless look in his eyes and coldly stated that I was not his fantasy. I felt my insides shrivel and my eyes well with tears. Before I could say a word I found myself lying down...being encased alive in doll-making liquid. As each layer hardened, more was applied until I was no more. A block of nothingness.
Not being able to forget it and it playing into the feelings brought out by the conversation the night before, had the makings for a pretty miserable morning.
I felt unworthy, unattractive, unwanted, ugly...lost, helpless, alone...Then the rage came out of nowhere, seething just below the surface. No real reason for it other than perhaps I’m reaching my threshold of bad things that can happen at once without losing my shit.
I’m learning to recognize these feelings. I needed to release it but was not in a position to. Not safely.
So, I shut down. Withdrew. Tried to distract myself with work.
You see, I’m a verbal venter. I don’t keep my feelings inside typically. But when the rage is there, I’ve learned venting is not useful. It just encourages it. It lashes out at anything in reach. Burns out of control. Destroying everything in its path. And once it cools...I’m left replaying its path of destruction over and over in my head. Berating, punishing, loathing myself and what I have done. I am left exhausted, raw, physically ill and just want to crawl into a hole, curl in a ball and sob myself to sleep.
I’m grateful I have learned to recognize this and being able to put a halt to the “death spiral” before it takes hold.
Over the course of the day, the rage has cooled, but my mind is still gun-shy of the process of pulling apart all the thoughts and emotions and facing them, feeling them, validating them and then filing them away as lessons learned.
Slowly it begins. A thought flitters here...then there. I’m continuing to distract my mind with inane things so that it can continue to do its thing.
