The Nonsensical Blog

I wrote a blog post not long ago titled "A Quick Note", which was based on how I felt about a certain problem that arose recently, Well now I'm going to expand upon that as things have only gotten progressively worse.

So for context, I've been working on this project for a few months now alongside a very eager team. Part of me was looking forward to it as everyone seemed so passionate, but since the beginning, problems began to arise. Firstly the people who were in charge of organising things wasted a considerable amount of time, which put pressure on a lot of us who have to work on the mid and end term part of the project, But I was confident it was doable as I've been put in that position before. 

To my surprise I was approached by the person in charge of the team, someone I knew and who had similar level of experience as me. He vented his concerns and issues which was completely fine, everyone needs and outlet and I wasn't going to give him hassle about it. In the end we agreed to just work our hardest to get through the project. But things continued to deteriorate.

Members of the team were beginning to stress out more and more since we were halfway through our timeframe at this point and hadn't made much progress and a reoccurring problem people had was when they stress out was they try take control of the situation, which normally is an admirable quality but in this case, it just undermined the solutions the person in charge of the team had come up with. I would continue to hear a lot from said person throughout the project as he was stressed the most and trying his hardest to try rework the project every time a new issue arose. I felt bad for him because no one saw how much effort he was putting into this behind the scenes, the man was almost in tears and yet he would continue to be undermined.

It was around this point I wrote the blog post "A Quick Note", as a member of the team couldn't take it anymore and abandoned her responsibilities. Of course this angered the person in charge quite a lot but we moved past it on continued working since we were running out of options. Our time frame continued to close and we were entering the final phase of the project, that's when we ran into one more catastrophic hurdle which happened last night. Another crucial member of our team left before we could complete three very important days, after which I have never seen my colleagues more upset, we were at the point were we had to decide whether to just end the project there and then, but thankfully once again, that hard working coordinator of ours pulled us out of the deep waters of problems and got us back on track. 

After all this, undermining, stressing, venting and constant setbacks, we are still here and working. In the coming weeks, I'll be taking over the majority of the work as it's my area of expertise and I fully intent to continue to put my all into it, despite the exhaustion of all of...this... back and forward of problems.

Why am I saying all of this? It's because I want people to know that I'm not upset, yes we ran into many hurdles and problems, but I'm not angry or sad... I'm just tired..

But that's fine, because I know what we have to do and our team is guided by one of the strongest individuals I've ever seen, even if he doesn't believe it himself. So whatever conclusion we reach for this project, I'm content with it.

What am I?

A pioneer of curiosity or a fool of ambiguity..

Do I stumble through life on impulse,

Or seek goals through spontaneity.

Pursue life with idle hands or contest with reckless ambition,

Even though ambition and passion trail hand in hand.

So what am I?

A pioneer of curiosity or a fool of ambition..

Does my aspiration outpace my endeavour,

or do I peruse what is audacious.

Do I careen towards the finish line hoping to reach it before it withdraws,

Or guide myself along rapid flow that spans towards my goals.

So I ask you,

What am I?

I just got off the phone with the Assistant Producer for a documentary in the works about the lifestyle.

Lovely person and sounds like it's going to be a fascinating watch which I look forward to seeing when it's completed. No need to worry about it though because the request for interviews and such have all be approved from the websites admins and all calls are confidential. 

Though if you believe you have something to contribute or say please contact the person, she's lovely and very eager to hear all about peoples experiences and such:

Catherine Murnane

Assistant Producer

M: +44 (0) 7594 886 293

You know, my last few blog posts have been mostly about things that are irritating or unfortunate.

But today I helped a close friend of mine who has been going through some awful stuff and just the fact that all it takes to help take her mind of things is just some of my time to talk is well worth it. 

So to close this very short post,

I'm happy that I could help someone even if my contribution was just a moment to listen and advice to give.

Feels good to do good and all that.

So I encourage others to spend a moment to listen to those around you.

And most importantly, I hope all of you on this platform are doing good as well!

It baffles me that this is the norm sometimes. 

I'm aware my last couple of posts have been pretty negative, I'm not usually a person who expresses said negativity and I swear I'm not usually so depressing. So I'll just give this little update in a short paragraph:

Things aren't great, in generally really. I'm not referring to just me emotionally, but in how things are handled. More recently in short, someone who was given certain responsibilities and was trusted to carry them out, However this person instead abandoned them and left the rest of us to pick up the slack and catch up. This is irritating to me not because of what this person did, but because of how immature and unprofessional her actions were. 

This has put a strain on me and many others and have really dampened my mood lately so I haven't been as active as I wish I could. But I believe I am a person who can handle the stress and pressure, and I'm positive I'll be back on track in no time. So I will leave this little mini rant on this :

Things aren't fine, But that's fine.

So now I'm entering a busy part of my life, I figured it's about time I talked a little bit more about myself, I wasn't sure where to start so I figured I'd tell this little story. Keep in mind, this is not a part of my life I'm proud of and It's one of the reasons I have difficulty putting trust in anyone nowadays, it almost turned me away from this interest of mine for good. But I would like to put it out there for others to read, so here goes:

About over a year ago when I first became curious about the lifestyle I started exploring around, like you'd expect. Talking with people, getting there point of view, getting feedback and advice, it was all well and good. I believed myself to a person of good judgement of character, I've never been vastly wrong in the past, It was around this time I met, Her.

She was the first person I intended to commit myself to as we had similar interests, our conversations were long and fascinating and it was just a generally good vibe all around. I could see myself spending a lot of time with her, at least at first.

Things changed after we did our first session online, suddenly and without warning. It turns out she was not a person I should have put my trust and faith in, in fact she was a predator of sorts. Right after the session, she attempted to use it as a means of leverage to extort me, I was heart broken and most of all, ashamed. I couldn't believe I had misjudged someone by this degree, I was completely wrong about her. 

At the time I didn't know how to handle the situation, the only thing that was greater than my own disappointment and shame was my anger towards her, I refused to let myself be extorted in such a way, It may have not been the correct decision but in the end I blocked her and deleted all my online accounts. I know now in retrospect I should have called the police since they know how to deal with that situation but I felt so ashamed I just wanted to forget about it. So back then I threw out every toy and bit of kit I had and tried to forget entirely about everything that just happened. I wasn't ever going to let myself be taken advantage of again.

Eventually, over time I came back, as you can see. Though it took a little time to restore my own self esteem and build my confidence again. The only difference now is I put a lot more stock in trust, it's something I am far more reserved in nowadays. I no longer give it so easily and refuse to be taken advantage of ever again.

I won't ever let what happened in the past repeat itself and if I choose to be open with someone, appreciate the fact that said trust I put in you, I don't give easily.

And that is the story I have to share with you all. It's not a pretty one, and it weighs heavily on my mind sometimes, it is definitely something I am not proud of and was a very low point in my life.

But for the most part I'm over it and I have moved on. 

I don't understand this point of view that you have to sacrifice your personal or invested career based life to be submissive? 

Yes I like working towards my chosen career, I like the company of my friends and I also enjoy being submissive.

Am I selfish for wanting all three of these things in my life? Are the people who are telling me otherwise wrong or just toxic?

I don't know, I don't understand submissive dynamic enough I suppose.

But my from point of view, if I have to sacrifice part of my life to encourage another, then is it even worth it?

Either way, I don't intend to give up on these things, they are my experiences and I won't let anyone change me in that manner, if that makes me selfish,

then so be it.

So I've been wearing a collar for a while now, decided to keep it on whenever I'm not going anywhere or doing anything,

Sometimes I even sleep with it on just because I tend not to notice it's there half the time.

After a little while of doing this, I noticed that when I take it off, sometimes it feels like it's still there, which is an odd yet interesting feeling.

People have described a similar feeling with glasses which is known as phantom glasses syndrome.

A bizarre sensation yet I don't necessarily hate it. Out of curiosity, has anyone else experienced this with anything?

Being non-specific, 

There's a beauty in the moment you realized you travelled a long way with your team and just as you arrived to where your suppose to, you get an email saying you can't be there so they cancel the day. Wasted time and wasted effort, but you get the day off so there's a silver lining.

So how was your day?