I've been spending more time in the gym paying penance to the iron got. Wheymen. My deep seated body dismorphia is just a part of me but with age I've learned to go for reasons like discipline, peace time and just spending productive time loving myself which for anyone thinking about trying it feels good.
I realise my expectations for a partner does not equal what I'm bringing to the table in the way of physical experience and mental maturity. My personal expectations are set to really begin to venture back into relationships in about 3-4 years. In these years my focus is really on getting a little better each day and having no real focus on relationships cause I'm just not the person I want to be rn. And Im accepting a small amount of self hate because I'm capable of it.
I kind of want to keep track of what I'm most intimately interested in through different points in my life.
-Engage in a soft submissive role with orgasm delay and bondage aka milking.
-Have a relationship with a trans women pre op but easily passes as female. Not sure why but I'm turned on by that combination like the best of both worlds.
-Juat having a normal healthy mature relationship.
Small side note but I'm on a 5 year role of gay black men being attracted to me and hitting on me but I think it's just cause I'm open and secure with my sexuality and It may come off as opportunity for them. Ive accepted it won't change but I have set a goal of getting hit on by hotter and hotter gay guys simply for the lolz. Never been disrespted and have only had healthy relationships with these men.