Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Inner reflection 🪞

I wonder if I will ever have a day when I fully feel comfortable in my own skin.

I get depressed and sometimes even consider self harm yet I don't know how to fix these emotional lows.

It isn't the PTSD from my horrible life that is the main source of my current strife. I am Intersex and like many Intersex people my family felt compelled to intervene as I was a baby.

The issue is they tried to raise me male and my body especially during puberty hard other thoughts in mind.

By 13 I started having periods and by 16 it was made clear my microphallus should be removed due to pelvic inflammatory issues that could kill me.

How many boys growing into Young men have had it broken to them whoops if you don't live as a female you could die. Oh and by the way you're not really a man look at these mri's!

So I been living knowing my body is more female than male since about 13 and by 17 was publicly living as myself fully.

But then when I had the choice for many years I messed with my meds so that I was avoiding periods because they really stressed me out.

Yet due to this bodies natural limitations having an abnormal cycle started to have undesirable side effects: brittle bones, bouts of weakness, loss of all libido and inability to have any lubrication, memory issues. I was going through menopause in my late 20's / early 30's

It was only a couple of years ago when it all came to a head where my broken foot wouldn't heal and Johns Hopkins set me up with an expert endocrinologist on not just on intersex but also bone metabolism.

One could argue she was the most knowledgeable person I could have encountered with my issues. Yet her medical advice and insistence was to set things where they would be if I was just any old cis female it didn't take too long for all of my symptoms to improve yet then I started having regular periods again which caused me great mental crisis.

When I saw her about it she was very dismissive told me to get my head out of the clouds I'm a woman and it's natural a sign of how healthy things are and went through how all my labs and even my own admission things improved so if anything I need mental health or emotional support for my inability to accept myself.

Yet as much as her and other doctors wanna make this seem open and shut it isn't though. I have XY chromosomes and was rasied male.

In theory none of this should of ever happened I am a bizarre mutation. People often use intersex as an argument bfor trans people sure fine show diversity of experience and all that but we also so that natural selection and genetic variation is real.

It would be easier to just accept I'm a female or whatever yet I may be in a female body but I just don't feel like the typical female. I am sure lots of that comes from how I was socialized.

You'd be surprised how often I have to keep from rolling my eyes when some friend of mine says hey girl / girlfriend or you go girl or referring to me in a group if females as one if the girls or whatever.

First off I am not a girl according to the dictionary a female child or adolescent. I am a Woman/ lady/ Maiden. I hate how people often infantilize women. How often do people call a 30+ year old man boy for example but calling me a girl I should fawn or see it as a complement.

I'm a genius in effing medical school I am not a female child!

Sigh

One of the loudest arguments I ever had with a health professional was a few years ago when my current primary provider decided she wanted to take abnormal vaginal bleeding off my medical chart as an active condition. I was like how is this not abnormal? She was like it's not abnormal for a woman to have a period. I pointed out how it's not normal for women to have XY chromosomes right so how is this normal.

To which she got as pragmatic about the dispute well do you have a uterus and I was like yeah? And she was like thus it's not unusual for someone with a uterus to have periods thus no matter the situation you having a uterus means you should also have normal bleeding and thus having people concerned about normal body processes doesn't make sense.

For a long time if you asked me I 100% would of said if I could have a choice I'd chose to be normal cis male and not have to deal with any of this Intersex crap.

But recently I know for a fact if I had to choose to reset my life and could choose my body I would pick to have a female sex.

Yet what makes things bizarre is even though I finally am not wishing I'd rather have a male sex I still am not happy about this body.

Knowing I feel like I should be in a female body is different than liking being in a female body.

Especially during periods I don't understand why I get so enraged by them is it because I connected it to ruining my life, is it just the gross and discomfort elements, is it that when I even tell people about my existence often I have people call me a liar.

Look I wish this wasn't real. What I find most insane about people who wanna debate my existence they will admit intersex is rare but then like why do you think I d fake it this makes no sense.

It's not like running around talking about being Intersex has ever one made my life any better.

Most people irrationally hate me for it.

My presentation of condition happens in about 1 in 270,000 times currently living in the state of Maryland which has roughly 6.2 million people divide it by 270,000 that means 22-23 people. I happen to be one of these trust me it's not the sorta probability that's fun.

People will often say 1 in a million as a complement in reality I find being a rare woman to be shitty.

When most people never even think of there sex or gender or who they are. I spent nearly 30 years of my life trying to understand my body sex gender and my place in the world.

This is quite common for many Intersex people I would have never chosen to be female which is one of the key ways my experience differs from trans. I have hated being in this body for the majority of my life.

Maybe it's maturity or the hormone changes begrudgingly having a female sex isn't the worst thing in the world.

But one of the reasons I tell people I am gender fluid or nonbinary is quite frankly even if I fully accept at this point due to my mutation I'm of the female sex that doesn't really help me sort out my gender questions now does it?

goodnight,
Ice