Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Trigger warning ⚠️ SA exploration (comments welcome)

Trigger warning I am going to talk about one of my SA events in my life and how I am still dealing with the aftermath over a decade later. Comments are welcome if you have anything to share or wish to talk about it.

Today I got into an argument with a Terf who was defending the argument trans women are men who not only shouldn't be in women's spaces but the fact they had a male body at some point even post ops are triggering to her because she was a victim of SA.

I laid out the case that it absurd because Trans women are women no matter the status of whats in their pants. It has nothing to do with the biology it's the energy psychology and behavior. I pointed out it was cis het men who abused her and by the way it's those same people who not only abuse but outright murder trans individuals disproportionately every year.

I went further that if she had any sorta of even reasonable event of a trans person sexually assaulting a cis het woman I'd never hear the end of it not just from her but the entier right wing propaganda machine across the world that is scapegoating trans people, yet since that hasn't happened these are just imaginary issues when the group that has hurt women the most - cis het men are getting none of this bigoted moral outrage over trans people.

She then said the most outrageous thing that I have the luxury of feeling this way because I wasn't sexually abused. This conversation happened online and it is still on my mind as I am trying to go to bed and I hope by writing about it maybe it will help me sleep.

So around 2010-2011 I went to go visit someone I had been friends with online for years through playing video games.

Without going into every detail he came on to me I resisted forcefully and then he responded with saying why don't we end the night with some tea to talk it out he felt bad for miss reading the signs.

After I drank I started to feel really tried and figured it was a stress dump from us having have so much conflict he offered me his bed to rest abit before I left and before you know I could barely move and he forced me to have sex with him.

I tried to thrash about but I just didn't have enough energy and one quote I remember when I was sorta pleeding while crying he said my tears only made him harder. After that I stopped resisting because I didn't want to give him more satisfaction and lay there in utter disgust.

When he finished he sorta roll over and went to sleep I went to go take a shower because of how filthy I felt.

I still to this day hate myself for not even really considering trying to press charges or do a rape kit but it was also the other side of the country for me and it to me seemed a he said she said sorta thing so how was I going to prove anything.

After I washed I snuck out and got back to the family event I was attending a wedding weekend which is why I was even on the west coast when I live in the east Coast.

First a thing I barely talk about publicly that has always bothered me the warm cum inside actually felt good 🤮

I have read all about how the body has wiring to try to reward procreation clearly people have sex because it feels good.

Well as much as I want to forgive my body for behaving in a natural way to that sorta feeling psychologically it took a toll.

I still resent myself for having that response.

I shortly after become a 100% asexual for 8 years even the thought of sex with women which I had once enjoyed would bring me to tears and make me feel so broken and worthless I'd start cutting.

I lost so many people who were interested and tried to date or love me during that time. I had no choice but to just blow them off for one reason or another because I didn't know how to say the words that someone who drugged and raped me broke that part of me and the PTSD of it is too great for me to have a healthy sexual relationship.

During the pandemic we all had some spare time a couple of years ago I looked him up wondering what he was doing he got a masters degree had an article written about him. He was married with multiple kids acting like a saint. It hurt me all the more what he did has left me with gaping damage yet it wasnt even a bump in the road for him.

This layer is enough for most people to relate to but now is where my life has to make it even more fucked so I can't even relate to cis women who have had similar situations.

I am Intersex I have XY chromosomes but my Y chromosome wasn't able to form properly functional testicles due to lack of responding. Thus I have a default female body.

So when I finally told my own mother about the event years later she stated see if you weren't a mutant none of this woulda happened!

I'm not her daughter a female in her eyes just some freak that my body is to blame and I didn't do the right things to combat it and try to be more manly or whatever.

For a time I hated having a female body so much I went to gender specialist doctors not because I wanted to be more masculine but I wanted to have my vagina removed with a total hysterectomy to be totally sown up so nothing like that could ever happen again.

To have medical professionals tell me that I need trauma therapy and to heal that not only would they not do that because it's totally healthy tissue if I can't start being reasonable maybe I might need intensive therapy.

Why couldn't I not want to have my vagina anymore why did other people at the time get to not only decide what was best for my body but the only solution was get help to overcome being raped and hating having a female body.

With time I am not that enraged at my body currently.

They say time heals all wounds in this case after more than a decade I can say I don't absolutely hate my body anymore.

I have had a girlfriend for three years now and although I have been for awhile trying to convince her maybe we should go absolutely plutonic as a way to sorta avoid two issues one my own body issues I still have to navigate and Two since she is poly and way more active with others there are times she genuinely thinks I am jealous it couldn't be father from the truth I am glad other people are pleasing her in ways that I still have many hang ups and lack the capacity to be a capable lover.

Before that rape I was sexy empowered and yeah even a for a time had multiple girlfriends I was sexual with even had a couple if three ways with my girlfriends.

Since the rape though I have never been the same in-fact I still sometimes cry over the memories just coming back without me having a clue as to what triggered them and wanna avoid all sexual contact.

Even if I wanted to heal and work on my sexual hang-ups I feel I am too far gone.

Who would want this damaged head case.

Thus I absolutely did suffer trauma from sexual abuse. I just am not trying to cover for bigotry since trans people had nothing to do with hurting me sexually.

I'm exhausted after writing all this~
Ice