Ice Girl's public thoughts.

Walking around sexually wounded 😵

The following concept is actually deep.

We see ourselves surrounded by the walking wounded—by people who have been deeply injured by fear, shame, and hatred of their own sexual selves. We believe that happy, free, guiltless connection is the cure for these wounds; we believe that sex and intimacy are vital to people’s sense of self-worth, to their belief that life is good.

The first time I ever had a sexual fantasy I was around 13 and for some reason still to this day I cannot for the life of me understand why I was Lola Bunny 🐰 having some pretty intense sex with bugs Bunny 🐇.

Now remember at this time I didn't inow I was Intersex and was totally freaking out why in my fantasies was I a female rabbit getting penetrative with perhaps the coolest cartoon character of all time.

I kept trying to rationalize it as well as deny those feelings. Even not that long ago I tried to downplaye if I am a furry?

Meanwhile I met my girlfriend at a pet event at BPH while being a non verbal Pikachu - if I am cosplaying I try to be In character.

One of my odd talents is I am really good at voices the first impression I ever learned and perhaps the best Is Mickey Mouse 🐁 when people ask me to say something out of character I get upset as the performer and have to remind them usually in character that Mickey doesn't behave in such a manner.

I think it's fun to play and get lost in the theater 🎭 of performance. Who doesn't want to have a break from being themselves for even a moment or two if possible?

I don't think I ever publicly admitted this but even though I have had plenty of internal conflict when considering how I should have been male due to my XY chromosomes I never once had a sexual dream of having a penis and using it pentratively in-fact even before I had the cosmetic microphallus removed in most my dreams if I was the one doing the penetration I used a strap on.

It's wild how much my own psych always saw my body as female even before I had processed I was of the typical female sex.

One of the most bizarre behaviors I used to do is not separate sex from chromosmes and up until 28 I used to tell people oh I'm not female I am a male with a really insidious birth defect that made me have a near cis female body. Like I could always have just said yeah I'm an Intersex female. So much more accurate 😳

Having XY chromosomes I "should" have been typically male bodied but my sex isn't and didn't develop male.

In all practicality it is in retrospect the dumbest thing I ever once believed or struggled with.

The argument that helped me from being a stubborn idiot and not just looking at it from a chromosomal aspect was we would never use how someone gets to a destination as a different name.

If the end destination is New York City rather you: fly, take a train, jog, bike, it doesn't change who you are when you arrive.

The fact is during puberty my body turned loose the female sex characteristics periods wider hips breats and clearly more typical female thoughts behaviors and yes even sexual desires.

So let me get this I have the phenotype of a female and nearly identical biology to other cis women but I wanna focus on a Y chromosome that didn't do shit as why I'm a "male" that thought was and is insane.

When people in our culture say things that XY chromosomes make someone male it still makes me sick inside because they are not only saying that to the wind they are invalidating millions of people across the world like myself who are Intersex that have these variants of development.

It is that same bullshit that abused me and made me hate myself and my body for years. It made me hate how I couldn't be male bodied but clearly I'm not valid as a woman I'm some failure disease state. 😭

In my Intersex case it was my body not responding enough to testosterone to physically masculinize and in a void my body was like hey estrogen is pretty freaking sweet so went down the female anatomy line. We shouldn't judge women as less than so why should my female body be any different?

Also what's the harm in liking or feeling comfortable having a female body? My innate naturally developed female body is it somehow grander to argue how I might appear as a female but alas it is a curse upon me since I should have been a dude?

Seems pretty lame to apologize for something I don't want anyway.

As much as I might be a tomboy with a ton of take charge confident energy and able to tap into my masculine side I actually am gald I have my body overall at this point. If people werent so cruel maybe I would have gotten here sooner.

I no longer need to feel wounded or disappointed I'm Intersex sure maybe I will never be as comfortable as a cis woman who never questioned themselves and their body but I sure as heck can enjoy it now.

A simple fantasy might have been the only safe way to allow myself to process being a woman as a teenager but over 20 years later I can readily admit my body and how it developed isn't the problem.

It is the society which made me feel fucked up for being intersex that made me feel like a mistake rather than a human woman.