I lied and pretended my adult life, I'm bi but I not only perfer women I'd only be with a woman, because of sexual abuse at the hands of men I'd rather die then ever be with a guy.
Yet things that really were the issue are as follows:
For a long while I hated being a female and whats more feminine then wanting a man to fuck you? ( Had to stop that)
I thought my interest in men and dicks was penis envy loss for wanting one not my desires to be intimate with men.
I felt that if I did have sex with men and enjoyed it in some way I'd lose my edge and be tamed. I'm a wreaking ball almost anything I try and do I rise to the top
That if I enjoyed sex with men as much as I had in my dreams it make it harder for me to find joy in fucking women in the future the only group I'd allow myself to be with.
The thing i realized most is the more I fought my body's wishes the more profoundly intense the buried desire for men grew. The decades of struggle with this has left me near suicidal I can and could no longer keep fighting it. Yet never once thought ok then give in and enjoy it.
I hate myself for giving up the fight I don't lose and no amount of creative reconciliation can make me feel better about my body making my mental and spiritual will and turning it into a bitch for men.