I have always admitted to anyone who asked I was Bi/Pansexual and people used to always joke that was impossible since they only ever seen me in relationship and dating women.
I was like no it's true I just had many issues with men: an abusive father, sexist clergy, sexually abused and most of all just dealing with the fragile egos and non stop seeking to control me.
More so then a switch dom or sub I'm an alpha. I conduct my life from the stand point of confidence and taking charge. For example just last week at my job one of my managers asked me a polite request. I looked him dead in the eye and said do you like my work. He's like of course your the best, then you won't mind it when I tell you this is how I do my job, unless you're going to fire me request denied, anything else before you let me do my job without continuing the harassment.
The dude was so shocked, so taken aback he was apologizing to me for several days because he could see how pissed off I was. Generally it had to do with my unpleasant tone, with people and by people it has to do with men who find my assertiveness a threat.
I have been going through a huge moment in my life as addressed in other blogs I'm a female at birth not really different then any other but its do to a rare intersex condition.
Knowing this my family and doctors always treated me like this was horrible wrong not how it was meant to be and really did a headcase on me.
No female or male child is born thinking they are a birth defect or shouldn't exist or should have been aborted or they are a let down.
That shit played with me most my life. Yet for me an analogy really started to help-- let's say two people are taking a trip to the same destination, one takes a airplane the other drives a car they both arrive at the same place.
Did how either one get there matter?
So once I fully got over my issues that were instilled in me I was like hey you know what maybe that was a hidden reason I had not been with men that a subconscious part of me felt that was for women only and since I didn't want to accept myself as one that could have been an issue.
Well let me tell in the like 1 year I have been trying to see if I'm interested in men wow they been a huge let down. Be it the real life people online people all seem to have some of the same negatives.
Controlling, insecure, weak egos, liars, unemotionally supportive, aversion to eating me out, unearned confidence, less romantic and sensual then a woman, I can go on and on.
The fact is I been training in martial arts since seven and can kick though a brick and elbow though rock. I also run marathons so my fitness and strength is intense.
Do you know how many men wanna test me? I had a boyfriend once get so angry at me he wanted to hit me but was too afraid so he picked up a chair and swung it at me. It didn't take me long to disarm him have him on the ground and asking him if he can calm down or do I need to choke him out.
Men love the arguments of yeah well you might be an mma bad ass but you can't beat Mike Tyson or some shit. You ain't Mike Tyson bitch the same way I can finish a marathon and that makes me more fit then 99.1 percentage of men when it comes to cardiovascular endurance and determination. My level of skill and dedication to the martial arts makes me able to easily defeat most guys in a fight without so much as breaking a sweat.
Can men beat me? Of course gotta be trained and it helps to have a size/strength advantage. How many of those guys exist 2% maybe 4%. Sorry to burst guys bubble having a penis doesn't grant any great benefits or magical powers sure you have the potential to be stronger then women myself included more easily but are you waking up like me at 6 am on a Sunday to go to the gym for 3 hours to start this and every day for the rest of your life. So just because your not reaching your potential don't get mad at me or try to nerf my joy of being a living walking hurricane.
Getting to the point this so called attitude this fact that as I live and breath men feel instinctively challenged by me as if an alpha female gives a shit about how she's perceived. I live my life and I answer to no one but me.
Once guys start to realize this doesn't matter how attractive they found me they can't handle it and seke to change me to sabotage the force of womanly nature that I am.
In this last week I had an EX, a best friend who tried to have sex with me but couldn't get it up, and no less then 5 random people hitting on me either only or in real life all take issue with my decisions about my life and how I didn't or don't consider their feelings enough.
Is this a a joke, this is my life the only one I'm ever gonna get I'm gonna do what I wanna do and if I wanted to comply with said request I would but trying to order me around or bully me you just came up against an immovable object and have made me less likely to ever agree.
What I also find funny is so many talk of compromises which is usually code for do what I ask and maybe you don't have to listen to me whine and cry all the time.
I'm sick of watching my tone, of stroking frail egos, of not telling people who piss me off to go fuck themselves.
I'm not saying all men are this way! But the majority I have interactions with have been and the only thing I have to say about that is I feel sorry for heterosexual woman. I couldn't put up with it and won't.
So I think I learned enough that it wasn't me being uncomfortable with my body that led me to reject men or issues with history of sexual abuse. Nope I just don't mesh well with men and that's fucking fine everyone has different tastes.
I hope with this blog going there and talking about how my position with experiences is evolving that I get less idiots contacting me.
If I get another guy trying to get into my panties when I explain for the god damn millionth time I'm a demisexual I need an emotional connection first even if your attractive one good conversation is not an emotional connection enough, I will be less then kind.
I am not anti-men I'm pro me, pro what I learned from my experiences and it has been men's actions that have caused me to become more comfortable with the position that unless a man is exceptional he is not worthy of my time.
I have yet to meet an exceptional man who wasn't already taken, women know not to let a good one go.
Meanwhile I just love all women I wanna support them and help lift all of us up.
We face many of the same struggles and can all use more love and appreciation.
Is this a double standard?
No doesn't the saying go bros before hoes?
Well I will support a woman any day over the generic man and I wish more women would stand together in that same ideology because the majority of men don't have our best interest at heart.
Love and peace,
Icegirl
