Why I am at the best place in my life.
I have done more soul searching in the last 6 weeks then I have my last 10. My issue where I considered Jay was important because it ended considering Cis Hetro males or Transmasculine people who put out cis het vibes for intimacy. This concern exited since up until 13 I was raised as “male” being given FtM treatments for my intersex condition against my will. So a question existed did I discount “men” because I’m a lesbian or because of how I was raised. Yet having reality collide made it quite clear it wasn’t how I was raised!
Why did it take till my mid 30’s to figure this out I Had a hard time even accepting myself as human because of how I was treated. Family abuse and having medical professionals apologize for me being female and or calling me trans by mistake so a non stop need to keep educating people made me wonder how can I have or be a “female” when was the last time a female you met go to the ER for a possible broken wrist have residents taking photos of their privates.
Realizing I let my life even for a moment break my spirit showed up visually drastically by me putting on over 100 pounds of emotional eating when previously I had been running marathons and doing professional combat level martial arts I could barely walk up steps without getting winded.
What kept me alive through the suffering was a sense I had to change the medical health system for trans and intersex people fundamentally so others don’t have to get broken like I was.
Working as an EMT I was in an accident on route to transfer a cancer PT to long term care when I was in an accident a combination of the speed my weight and poor car of the unit I had a tear that caused me to be bedridden for nearly 3 months. This was the start of me having the time to work on myself but I still didn’t believe I had the capacity to heal since with a life so crazy how could it be possible. Then I realized thanks to some choice people If I went though it and I’m still here I have the opportunity to write a new chapter in my life and turn the page on who I was into who I want to be manifest finally.
I had always been an activist but took good intention to avoid Intersex issues because I didn’t want to be a public face. Too afraid I was unstable and would be a bad role model I’m imperfect and still at times had thought of suicidal ideation figuring that once I got to live to see intersex genital mutilation in the United States the one dream I lived for achieved I wouldn’t have anything to live for anymore.
But in part because of the injury I had to have a bone density scan it ended up coming back normal for a woman in there 30’s. This is not remarkable for someone with my condition since “People with CAIS are genetically male – 46, XY (instead of 46, XX) – but in every other way, they are female. “ I always wanted to compete in martial arts but held myself back worried that somehow my intersex status would be used against me. I have had to watch other trailblazers get to go out and live dreams I held back from. But why the issues people cite ( testosterone advantage ) I produce zero and even if I did my condition I can’t use it Bone density nope. So the only hold up now is getting into elite athlete shape LETS FUCKING GO!
Feeling fired up about something I always wanted to but never had the courage has me realizing its ok to do things I want on the way to being a medical provider. I don’t have to stay hidden anymore I’m awesome I love me and what I have done and what I will be able to achieve. I am more than a label But I don’t mind if people need some to define me: Honest, sincere, disciplined, Intersex, Female sex, Non-binary gender, demisexual, lesbian, activist, pacifist, Intelligent, atheist, Buddhist, these labels and more can be used but really lets face it when your dealing with the one and only A.K. let’s not worry about labels I sure as hell don’t.
Thanks and love to all.