I want to thank everyone who reached out about the last blog. Yes in many ways I feel this website has been a place of support love and encouragement from the bottom of my heart thank you I needed the extra attention its been really difficult the last couple of days.
Tonight a dear kinky friend was worried about me and volunteered to accompany me to the gym to keep me company. Due to my goal to become a competitive martial artist again I tend to go to the gym everyday sometimes twice a day.
After we agreed on time and such he was very polite positive and silly he knew I also needed cheering up after what I been through even though when I go to the gym I'm normally all about business finding a happy medium between my ball busting pace ( good thing I don't have em so whatever) and his sorta hey let's be active with a friend.
I was teaching him developmentally how to progress safely and distinct as someone who ran Marathons and studied a ton of human physiology when it comes to sports science I am your girl.
We dialed him in had a great work out for about 1:30-2:00 hours the pace was a little relaxed for me but we ended with some heavy weight lifting bench pressing 145 pounds and squatting 125 was enough that it took the last bit of my excess strength.
HERE CUMS THE CRAZY PART!
So as we leave he is like hey do you mind if I hold you I know you been through a lot. I was like yeah sure no problem. Subconsciously my head started to nest into his shoulder and I started to look at him sorta lovingly as he then pets me hed rubbing it gently and whispering things like its gonna be ok you were a good friend and you're a really good girl you know that.
At some point he asked if he could kiss me this was after he made note of the fact his windows are slightly tinted.
I was like hold up! Dude comforting me is ok working out with me is good for us both lets face it you need more gym in your life as well. But I am in no mood for play how dare you.
He then said I just wanted you too feel more comfortable maybe and loved but that's ok lets not be that way.
I was like fine hey I didn't really eat today because I was so upset and now I am starving do you mind if we go to the Macdonald's and i just get a happy meal?
He was like sure as we started driving over he said do you mind if I rub your leg to just sorta stimulate and comfort you.
I was loke that's fine and he just sorta rubs my left leg rhythmically intune with my natural twitching and then he says have you ever had anyone slap your thigh and grab it before. I was like nope can't say that I have as living most my life as an alpha dom and abused anyone hits me is usually an invitation to me fucking them up.
He said wanna see what it feels like? I was like yeah I'm curious enough to try and he slaps not hard but it pops with a sting and then he grabs my inner thigh somehow I felt it all throughout my body and shuttered letting out this whimpering moan and my body jerked as if a ripple was going through me from his thunderous slap.
I barely could breath but mustered a what the hell was that? Hes like I don't know but I think you liked it with this evil little chuckle. I was now unbelievably aroused just from that slap I could feel my body getting uncannily responsive to touch and the beginnings of my vaginal juices starting to flow.
Being AFAB is something I am still working on getting fully comfortable with I didn't even masturbate until 36 so anytime my body wants female sexy time I start to get extremely anxious and insecure.
He then noticed my concern and was like whats the matter sweetheart? I was like I didn't mean to but I'm really aroused right now I wanted to iust be about business.
He's like well I have my bullet with me would you like me to help tou relieve the tension. I agreed because my pussy was now on fire and I figured I gotta do something.
He tried to get a good hit on it but with my pants and panties he was constantly all over the place it musta been disappointing for him because I started laughing I'm like how is it fucking possible that you can miss the entier spot so regularly.
Yet his fumbling led to me almost fuming since now I wanted sexual stimulation so I was like maybe this will help your weak aim. I pulled my pants down giving him direct access to my panties and well he went from not even hitting the board to finally starting to dial it in. I was now enjoying the stimulation and at times working into him with my hips.
Yet as fun as this was this was a kinda mild vibration and i was like look I use a Hitachi at home crank this so called bullet and now go under my panties and hit me harder.
Well now what was once playful quickly became sexual for sure because it took all my disapline and self control to keep from screaming out like a stabbed banshee.
We were in the drive thru and hes like there's cameras and if you wanna stop we can stop I was like not really but heres the thing look like were about to order food and not that your enjoying masturbating me with a bullet.
He failed almost immediately as i let out a gasp and for a second drove my hips in such a way the bullet started to penetrate me a pleasurable yelp followed as i recoiled.
He was going to touch or kiss me and I said look I fucking mean it if you can't make it look like were just here to get food the party ends!
Well he obeyed my request and he just sat there looking at the menu and other cars mildly chatting while his right hand bullet and my hips were working the shit outta my body.
I was also trying to keep my mouth shut and torso straight but eventually I had an orgasm and like an accordion crumpled and folded in my seat at this point hes ordering and i am doing everything I can not to gasp.
Eventually the bullet runs outta energy and he askes if he xan manually simulate me with his hands I refuse. We get the food we eat and chat abit and then something odd happens.
For the first time ever for a guy I feel like vaginal contractions and this almost pleeding need in my body to be fucked. It was so painful at times I could barely keep from having audible discomfort.
He was asking me whats wrong and I expalined look im in my late 30's never had sex with a guy for a reason and I sure as hell am not about to in a Macdonald's parking lot.
He agreed that if I didn't want to he wouldn't pressure me or be disappointed and after we finished eating we went home.
Here's what makes me write this I never quite understood how a female could ever stay with or make love to an abuser or any guy the didn't fully want.
Well I learned while we were in my driveway we hugged and his strong arms powerful hands my arousal and the scratch of his beard on my soft face as he kissed me while he said good night I screamed at him I'm not fucking you in my driveway and leapt outta the car like I was launched from a cannon.
I wanted to have sex with him so badly my whole body was aching for it this was so emotional I was panting and crying and hating myself all at the same time.
Three things that are important to note about me---
A. My family tried to transition me to male and convinced me for awhile that maybe I am male. So on some level having a female body and thoughts still feels kinda awkward.
B. I was sexually abused by men and that makes me incredibly nervous about a male abusing me again I mean the only two times a male penetrated me at all before was during rapes so yeah actually wanting a guy to have sex with me is quite new. Infact after the second sexual abuse I had sworn Id rather die then live after another sexual assult.
C. I know I'm in an intense emotional time literally my transman friend Prince who came to live with me in August so they could have a safe space around non judgemental people in a spare room while they transitioned. They committed suicide Monday and I as an EMT conducted an exam of there body to determine they didn't need emergency services. Additionally the next day since they are so heavy I helped load them into a body bag cleaned the scene and had to deal with the states medical examiner's office misgendering them and using there legal name at the time even when I was asking them not to.
If that wasn't enough I had to watch them write in the tags and the body bag there legal name which I know they would hate.
41% of trans people attempt sucide. Around roughly 20% or so achieve it thats 1 in 5 roughly vs the standard population of like 2 in nearly 100,000. This is a crisis the likes of which has never been addressed.
Please love and support your trans friends beyond measure they need you constantly to stay alive!
So yeah is this the right fucking time to lose my virginity to a male the first time I am gonna chose to fuck a guy is now not in your life.
I don't care how much my idiot body primal side wants to get fucked it can hate me all it wants I know not only is now not the right time its disrespectful of me processing my feelings and anyone who doesn't understand that can kiss my ass.
