I sit with thoughts blazing why did I ever forsake my BDSM interest.
I feel the route is since I was always more sadistic a part of me almost felt wrong to do what others asked.
I like many was bullied as a child. It wasn't just school peers, it was family most of all my parents, and even the medical establishment.
I felt a lack of power almost all my young life it's why I started martial arts to feel I had a way to stop the abuse.
I never wanted to be or do that in other people's headspace. The fear I might hurt someone even accidentally always caused a genuine concern.
To have an individual associate me with a bully made me always ask explicitly what people wanted and perform said tasks.
Negotiation and knowing people's limits and wants are good.
Yet to look at it as a check list to be marked off and then handed back can feel hallow.
I tried to be the perfect experience yet lost opportunities to create art together.😕
People seemed to like me and I am greatful, yet the enjoyment wasn't where it could be for me and others.
Only upon deep reflection have I started to realize its because I lacked intimacy,
An exchange, the fact a laundry list might be an important guide on what to do but how one links experiences shares in the moment, even opens up to the potential joy and release matters.
The people I play with should have an exchange that can only come from me.
One who opts to play with me should get to know and explore my nature.
We all have chosen to be honest with a part of ourselves that is taboo culturally.
I believe it is important to also display our vulnerabilities and truly be genuine. When someone is greatful for my presence in their life I am most grateful to be alive.
Still an orphan at heart looking for love.