Day 12
CW: abuse, sexual abuse
My ex-best friend is a man named Dan. We had a very unique friendship until I ended it. He wants it back should I give him another chance?
Dan was the first person to know Outside of my family I was female biologically. The day he found out we were in my grandmother's basement playing video games a puzzle game known as Legacy of Kain.
He just came over my house because he had this new game and wanted to play I didn't think much of it we were playing in the downstairs basement and all of a sudden he said so when were you gonna tell me you were female.
I still only found out about my Intersex condition by force a year before when my family kept trying to get me to remove my breasts and I started having period spotting.
I tried to play it off like what are you talking about. He was like look I don't care but you must have forgotten to bind or something because your breasts are way too much to be a typical male so what are you like trans or something just tell me.
I was like well I never had to talk about it before I don't really know whats going on with my body to tell you the turth I thought I was gonna be male but my body I guess had other plans.
He said well I won't tell anyone if you let me see your tits. I was like are you seriously gonna do that. He said I guess not but what do you want me to do you got nice breasts so I want to see em Didn't hurt to try.
This sorta teasing and I guess sorta sexual tension on his part being into me and me not having any idea what to do about happened pretty much from 14-21 note dan was two years older then me the entire time.
Then at 21 I finally was like Dan I don't like you kidding about these things anymore and constantly bringing up my gender dysphoria exctera and for a while dan was pretty good until one day he had to say these words.
You think your tough with all the martial arts and P90 x but in reality a serious trained male can kick your ass and leave you for dead so know your role there is only so much a woman can do and in reality you really need a guy to protect you.
This lead to him a 5th degree black belt 280 pounds and me a two time black belt in go ju and kempo 170 pounds to go to a park at midnight and fight to prove which one of us was the better fighter.
It got pretty brutal because he didn't want to lose to me and be emasculated after all that smack it was violent and bloody but I ended up victorious because he simply got worn down to a degree by my superior stamina and ability to slip enough of his bullshit haymakers.
After that we didn't talk for a couple of years but he came back into my life apologizing for being immature and this time he was perhaps the nicest he ever was we went on trips together we would hang out we even started to regularly just sleep over when I was in the area.
Me I thought this was just great I had my best friend back and we were closer than ever but after a couple a years we went on a trip where we had to share a ned and I woke up to him sexually assaulting me I was flabbergasted I was like what they heck is going on and he was like you love me you want this you just don't know how to express it.
I said absolutely not please just stop before this gets outta hand and well that was when I cut him out of my life and made a never see dan again rule.
Yet he contacted me after not talking in years because he has cancer and he feels in reflection that he ruined something beautiful and he wants to be forgiven and be friends again.
I don't know if it is possible I kinda feel bad. I mean he is not that much older then me and has some serious health complications from cancer.
But the guy was mean and abusive to me in the past. Yet he says the cancer has changed him and he's sorry he regrets what happened.
I don't want to discourage him from trying to be a better person because anyone trying to improve from there past is good. He was at one time one of the few people I could talk to about my issues before I decided to be more open and just be like whatever. However he always was jealous that I was smarter, a better fighter and also angry that I never wanted to have sex with him.
Yet he felt that I never gave him a chance to be my lover for no good reason, I perhaps over dedicated my life to Martial arts to the point it actually was a problem, and even if he was a jerk I had my own issues and personality flaws that didn't make me an easy person to care about especially when I was younger.
Note I have a scar on my wrist where he literally set me on fire to prove my love for him.
He put a dab of lighter fluid and boom still scared to this day he was shocked I let him do it I said I didn't care about myself so if him hurting me made him happy he should go for it so then at least one of us would be happy. Yet I am not the same person. I do care about myself more I just don't know of I can talk to a man anymore I have such a past with. Even if he is sick has cancer and wants to make up and try and set things right.
Am I the ass hole for not accepting that he has had an epiphany and can be a different person.
Or is it that he pushed the line too far and even if nearly a decade has past I have to keep to my rule and never allow dan an inch back into my life?
