Probably the biggest communication issue I have with people close to me is that when I do care for them I am like whatever you want.
Since their happiness takes priority, I just don't even think about what I want. When I was mostly with people who exploited me it wasn't an issue.
My girlfriend actually doesn't want to be that way and this why she wants me to get better at communicating my preferences.
I am just so used to the things I want being impossible that I sorta gave up wanting for the most part.
I don't have a religion but Buddhism is the closest and I followed it for a while. Buddhism states life is suffering ( I agree)
Buddhism states suffering comes from unmet desires (I can see that)
Buddhism states to end suffering you must end your attachment to desire and just accept (work on that when I meditate)
Things I wanted I didn't get:
A mom to love me
A dad to love me
A healthy home growing up
An end to the poor treatment for trans and intersex people.
Equality for women (I can go on but you see a pattern impossible wants)
Those core initial wants went unmet and It seems like I will never live to see the day any of them come true.
For those in the know many trans and Intersex people in America currently worry about fleeing the country if things keep getting worse.
One thing I don't talk about often is how I resent the overturning of roe v wade and feeling female rights being attacked.
I am unique in that I have Swyer syndrome. It means I have a uterus.
This is why when people say XY vs XX upsets me since its flat out a lie so much more goes into a bodies sex.
Being an outlier hurts since people dissmiss my existence and argue about it politically nowadays without even having Intersex peoples voices heard at all.
I am an XY person who could possibly carry a child so it very much does effect me what happens in this regard and it also influenced how I was treated.
In my life there were three times I asked doctors to remove my uterus because of it making me uncomfortable.
Yet they refused, telling me they don't like to risk healthy tissues and that maybe I simply need counciling to accept that aspect of my life.
I didn't get the agency to remove my own bits when they were making me uncomfortable.
Typical men telling a female what to do with her body why should I have expected any different.
My internal structures were given more agency than my own wants and desires. Some would say ah but you don't want an operation now so the doctors did the right thing.
Now I'm just more Buddhist 🤣 I didn't get what I wanted so accepted my body as is.
Most my dreams have never come true, I doubt I will live to see many of dreams come true, some are already outright impossible.
Heck Half the time when I go out to a restaurant I can't even get coke, and have to settle for Pepsi which to me just tastes worse.
The things I want most at this point; getting into medical school, working on my writing, and trying to have a meaningful relationship with my girlfriend I put my efforts into.
I need to do better on communication of want to make her happier but I spent a life getting used to not wanting.
Other then having big goals that keep me getting up -- what else is there to want.
One thing I do want is an anime themed wedding where I cosplay as Naomi Armitage. (But even that most people think is weird, so even my wedding if it were to happen I can't get what I want)
Life is suffering.
