The Voices in My Head

True story.... 

Happy Thursday everyone!  💕

I was always the perfect child. Straight A’s, responsible, carried others burdens, went to church like a good girl, carried out drunk friends from parties, I was the defender of everyone, the “mom” in the group, copious amounts of extracurricular activities kept me busy but I still found time every morning to run 5 miles with the sunrise....  buried in a ridiculous amount of pressure I placed on myself.

But then.....  every winter... I would find myself...   I remember I would sneak out of my parent's house, strip down naked and jump into our freezing pool at night.  Immediately, the warmth around my body was replaced by the slapping of the freezing water. There was no inch of my body spared. Shock strapped my body as I surfaced with a gasp my eyes opening wide as if trying to take in more of the moment.

Then I would start. Silently. My body moving fluidly with the water around me. Tingles starting at the tips of my fingers eventually turned into a steady burn.   1..... 2..... 3...... breath.... every time my head buried deep back into the water I had to force my lips between my teeth to keep them from chattering.  Right before I felt like the cold just might strip me of my last breath, when the trembling reached the inside of my stomach, when my heart raced through the calm of my body, I would lift myself, arms shaking, out of the side of my reprieve.

Reprieve

noun

a cancellation or postponement of a punishment.

How ironic that I thought of this as my reprieve. Something most people would view as a punishment.  Every summer I would lay dormant....  waiting to feel again.... waiting to breath.

For many years I found my solace in the winter water. Then I found myself as a sub and many years have passed without this lonely nightly ritual.

Being without a Dom over the last 11 months, I find that the colder those 5 am runs get, the more my body craves the familiarity of a nightly swim. The coming of winter both excites me and saddens me.

Last night I found myself sinking into the cold water like a lost friend. It swallowed me with such an intimate comfort.  Such a strange place to come.... full circle after all these years.

I know I will find someone again.  I also know I am happy enough where I am right now to be patient.

Today I find comfort in the fact that winter is coming...

I’m not sure why it is every time Tuesday rolls around I just can’t help but feel naughty!  😂  Every. Damn. Week.  

Sometimes you just need a little reminder to get you to the weekend. 😂😏

Not a story today, just some reflection after a long weekend:

There is so much complexity in a Dom/sub relationship.  I always felt like I understood the depths, but when you are in a relationship, it’s easy to settle into the norm.  I have always focused on the physical release....  I can breath a little deeper, my mind is sharp but my body relaxed.

The longer I go without a Sir, the more I have come to better understand myself and the reasons behind why I need/want to submit.

I realize that I don’t forgive myself easily. Not only do I not forgive myself, but I hang onto those transgressions like they are my only lifeline. A rope, per say, tossed out to sea for me to grab. Except it winds its way around my neck and as the days pass it gets tighter and tighter and I feel like I’m suffocating.

To say I am hard on myself is an understatement.  Some days those tapes in my head overwhelm me.   I need an absolution ... and beyond that I need to release my guilt  

The simple complexity of a Dom/sub relationship, to me, means that I am given that release. I know when I do something wrong, I am held accountable. I know that I will be punished. My heart hurts in this moment and I feel anxious knowing what is to come, but it’s simple in my head and doesn’t send me spinning. 

What comes next is what I find myself focusing on lately. When the punishment shifts.  With each second that passes, be it a spanking, paddle, contemplating my life in a corner, denial, lines.... whatever the punishment, there usually is a breaking point.  I go from a little excited but guilty to angry to remorseful (sometimes VERY remorseful 😜) and then there are those last smacks, those last whacks, those last quiet minutes where my mind just stops and the hum that envelops the room swallows me. I think most subs can relate to that break.  The shift that heightens your senses, eases your heart and releases your fear. For me, it’s a fear that I’m not enough, but this moment has taught me (again) I am  being punished because my Sir believes I’m worth everything to him.

Maybe it isn’t this way for everyone. For me, that release allows me to let go of that deed and the guilt that follows. It is a gift that he has taught me and he gives me permission to leave it.

Part of this release comes with having a good Dominant. You know after you are punished, it is done. He doesn’t rehash it or put it in your face. He’s forgiven you and it’s forgotten.... and as if you could forget it for one second he then follows your punishment with caring for you. Giving you what you need. Reminding you that you are worthy and loved.

This is why I feel completely authentic when I say, “Thank you Sir....” 

This seemed to be relevant after all the talk about serving coffee around here yesterday. 

Good morning Sir.....

I always love cream with my coffee  😏

Trying my hand at writing and finding that I’m liking it!  Please let me know what you think!  💕 

The beat of the music finds it’s way to the beat of my heart and they feel one and the same.

Taking a sip of my Jack and Coke I let the burn sink in and it’s not long before a warmth takes its place. Setting it down I hop off the stool and stand wishing I had chosen a different dress. One wrong move and my ass will be on display.  Ahh... who am I kidding? I love this dress.

Gripping the railing above the dance floor, my eyes close, and I breathe in the smell of sweat, adrenaline, and anticipation.  This is my favorite spot here in the dim corner, my secret looking glass.  I glance down and watch groups of hopeful girls grinding their way in the direction of any free guy. Other groups seem content laughing and dancing with each other unaware of the hunger around them.  Then there are those who have already been found or came together.... you know, they are two bodies but you can’t tell where one ends and the other begins.

My eyes scan, taking in the scene below and land on a couple dancing off to the side. Her hips gently sway as his hand is crushing her ass taking her exactly where he wants her to be.  The other hand has made its way up her shirt and I can’t help but blush. I should look away....   but I can’t.  My bottom lip finds its way between my teeth as I watch his lips lower down to her neck. They think they are safe under the cover of bodies on the floor,  but from up here, you can see everything.  I feel a familiar wetness settle in as I shift back and forth in my heels.

Damn. What was I thinking coming here by myself. Who does that?  Me apparently. I do that.  Horny bitch.  Sighing, I reach over and take another drink, if nothing else at least I can entertain myself with a little buzz, right?

My hips once again find the beat of the music and I feel a warm flush tingle from my head down to my fingers. Thank you Mr. Daniels for this moment.

Humming myself into a secret space I move my hips as if they would find redemption. I’m instantly aware 2 arms have reached around me grasping the rail swallowing me between them. A body pushes against me moving in a seductive game of catch me if you can.  I turn to tell grinder that I’m not interested when I’m met with the most piercing blue eyes I have ever seen.  Oh, Fuck.

“Not yet kitten,” you whisper in my ear as goosebumps erupt over my skin.

Wait. Did I say that out loud?

Still swaying, your hand finds the back of my neck and you turn me back around so my back meets your solid body.  I reach my arm behind me to grab your neck and you grab my wrist, quickly pinning it behind my back. The ferocity of the moment lost by how fluidly you were able to subdue me.

“Tell me if you want me to stop kitten, I’ll walk away right now....”  you say, but you aren’t really speaking, it’s more of a growl.  It touched some primitive part of my, like awakening my soul.

Oh God, please.  I can’t think, I should say no. Right?  I look down at all the people dancing below and my heart starts racing. I know the blush I feel has made it up to my cheeks as I am searching to make sure no one is looking.

Your hand reaches between us, it settles on the inside of my thigh burning me with your touch as you move slowly up. Your fingers tease the outside of my panties like a feather, barely touching what I know you can feel is soaking wet.

“Don’t stop..... please...” I think I hear myself say.

My eyes are flitting over the crowd as your fingers move inside my panties and start to gently travel the length of my lips until they reach my clit. You give a light pinch and I feel my knees almost out as I gasp letting my eyes roll back just for a moment.  I grab your arm and know I’m leaving my mark on you as you chuckle. “Now, now kitten, no claws.”

I inhale as your fingers find their way inside me scissoring while your thumb presses into my button.  I can’t help but whimper and grind against you, desperate to find release. A third finger dips into my heat and I’m so close I hold my breath...

Without warning you are digging your hands into my hips, driving them back to meet your angle.  Oh, fuck yes. Slowly your cock pushes past my lips and sinks balls deep.  This is torture. Beautiful crazy intoxicating torture. Our bodies are one and move in sync with the music. Your shaft rubbing my special patch with every thrust.  So slow. Too slow. Wait no. Oh God, it’s not because I feel like I’m going to explode. My eyes grazing the crowd over and over as I try desperately to catch my breath...

and then it happens...

“Come for me, kitten. Fucking come for me now,” you command.

I’m falling, but not.  I’m taking in everything, but I can’t focus.  I’m gasping as my walls pulse around your cock and I feel it swell. You one hand lets my wrist go and I’m desperately bracing myself on the rail as you reach around and pinch my clit while the other has secured itself at the base of my hair pulling so not even a breath of space can come between us. One flick and I’m crashing into you all over again as I hear you growl your release.  Your breath in my ear drowning out the base of the music.

Slowly our bodies release from each other, your cum dripping down my leg.  Still catching my breath, I feel you adjust my panties back into place.

I reach over to grab a napkin off the table and you grab my wrist. “Leave it.”

I look back into your eyes searching ... for what,  I’m not sure....  I nod and look away.   Unable to process what just happened. I should be mortified, but I’ve been too busy riding the high and it felt fucking amazing.

Looking around the room, suddenly the music is too loud, it’s too warm, your stare a little too intense. You reach out your hand and mine meets it like they are meant to fit together.

You half drag me out of the club until the cold air breaches my lungs and reality slaps me across the face. You spin me around in the parking lot and my breath catches as you draw me near.

“Hmmmm. You are aware I can track your phone, right?” You say as my eyes widen in surprise.

Your lip curve up at the sides as you say, ”Are you ready to go home, Kitten?”

“Yes Sir....” 😏

Found myself writing last night when I should have been sleeping. 😜   This is a first for me.  Excuse the editing, it’s rough.  I have never written anything before, but I very much enjoyed it!   I hope you like it. 💕

The alarm rang too early, or too late, however I wanted to look at it. Slipping from my warm blankets I was met by a cold floor beneath my toes.  What I wouldn’t give to crawl back into bed.  My eyes dart across to your side making sure I haven’t disturbed you. What I wouldn’t give to wake you how you taught me, my hands find their familiar place behind my back just thinking about it. My tongue can’t help but pass my lips, my teeth find my bottom lip with the memory of last night. I reach up and brush my cheek, I can almost feel the tears that finally broke free and then flowed as if they had always been there.  Morphing from hurt..... to healing..... to bliss.  I hear myself shudder into my sigh as I take you in. The comforter has slipped down past your flat stomach flashing images of what’s mine below.  Your arm is propped up below your head, mmmm. That’s my favorite. Those strong arms.  I can’t decide what I love most about those arms.  My eyes close as my mind wanders to the anticipation of what is to come, a familiar sound makes my breath hitch, the power behind it thrusting my body forward, and then it comes...  a stinging warmth starts to spread as your deep voice fills my ears.  Their strength gives me no wiggle room, I will go where and how you command as I come undone beneath you. Then they blanket me and I know I’m safe, there are no more monsters coming for me. They are my salvation.... my unraveling.  Pain and love in one.   I shift as I feel familiar wetness starts to bloom between my legs. Sigh... time to open my eyes and face the reality of another day. Holding my breath waiting for you to stir. I almost wish you would, but the steady rise and fall of your chest tell me you are still asleep.  A familiar door closes around me. It’s in the air, but my body feels it as I shut off what I know I want, what I think I need.  I have become well aquatinted with this door, I know I’m getting too good at closing it. There is no time today, most days lately. Such is life, I guess.  Before I know it, my feet are paddling their way to the bathroom.  The mundane buzz of checklists in my head settles into their familiar seat.

I’m distracted, life is busy.  I wish I could go back. Before kids and responsibilities, before work and insecurities. How did this happen?  When did my thoughts not become my own? They are so scattered and overwhelming.  Even last night I found myself holding back, punishing myself for the tapes that play in my head.  I walk into the shower not remembering when I turned it on. This seems to be normal now. Maybe I need just a little distraction. My eyes dart to the door and my heart starts to race. He is still asleep, right?  I have at least 30 minutes until your alarm goes off.  Weighing out my options I snicker already know I’m committed. I hear his soothing voice in my head, “Whose pussy is this?” Smiling I whisper, “It’s your pussy, Sir....” The thought of being caught has my ass tingling.   My lips between my teeth bite back a moan as my hands grab and massage my breasts. I slowly sink one hand down my stomach and immediately part my lips to find a very different kind of wet. I am drenched as one finger circles my clit and the other lightly pinch my nipple. My back instinctually leans back onto the cold tile igniting another gasp and I need both hands. My foot raises to the bench and I have full access. Mmmmm. Yes, please. I’m trying so hard to keep my eyes trained on the door,  but as soon as my fingers find their way up my tight pussy my head falls back and I am lost. I can’t stop now, my movements are frantic as I fuck myself, pretending it’s your cock, these are your hands, you are pinching my clit... fuck yes. One more flick and I’m there...

I gasp as a hand grabs my wrist and twists behind my back as I am spun facing the wall and before I can catch my breath a new inferno begins to build. The blows are fast and furious. Unrelenting. There is not an inch of my ass left unbranded by your discipline. I try to remain still, but my feet start dancing unable to keep from moving. The heat of the water and my ass has me gulping for air.

Suddenly, I'm filled with an emotion I didn’t know I had, I’m angry. I just wanted a damn orgasm, nothing is right.  Fuck this. My free hand smacks the wall, “Stop! Please! I get it!”

Wrong. Words. The minute they leave my mouth I regret them.

You respond silently by reaching up and grabbing my hand and securing it with the other one behind my back. Damn.

Tears of frustration pool and are now streaming down my cheeks as I cry out. You respond by holding me tighter, moving the assault to the backs of her thighs. Regret... I regret everything. What is wrong with me?

“Please, Sir!” I am a mess, my body is on fire, I don’t know if I’m speaking coherent sentences but in the back of my mind I hear my voice. “I’m so sorry... I’m so very sorry!”

Then it stops.

“Whose pussy is this?” you ask as your hand comes down one more time.

Between sobs, I can only find, “Yours Sir, it’s yours.”

Your body leans into mine and I am covered, your cock standing hard cradled between my burning ass cheeks. Oh god... yes, please. This. I want this....

Once again I am turned around and I’m instantly aware of the fact this is not going to be the happy ending shower that I need.  I don’t even know now what I need anymore. I can’t seem to breath.  I’m afraid to look and see the disappointment in your eyes. My eyes find yours through wet lashes, tears still overflowing blending with the water from the showerhead. Your hand finds my chin and you kiss me.  It’s slow and gentle at first and then your tongue finds its way into my mouth and I don’t fight it. I know what you want, even in this kiss I am following your lead, your pace, your passion.  Your eyes never leave mine as your hand cups my mound. Every last bit of control I have is gone... my clit is throbbing so hard I’m afraid it might burst.

“I’m so sorry Sir, I don’t know what is wrong with me,” I say as my legs start trembling. I can’t last much longer, can I?

Your eyes are contemplative. Hungry. They make their way down my breasts to your hand and back up and I know I’m blushing. You let me go and stand back. My heart is empty, I feel a little sick to my stomach. I want to ask but I’m already late and I’ve done enough to fuck up the day.  The silence stretches and I can’t even look at you. I know you are disappointed. I know better. My head is spinning as I grab the towel and walk away.  You dry off and leave the room without a word.

Breath.  Breath.  Telling myself isn’t working.  I am not saying nice things to the girl staring back at me in the mirror. I just want to feel like myself again, but I don’t know where to start. Come on, get it together.  Squeezing my eyes closed I trying to focus and open them to see your reflection standing behind me.  When did you get there?  You hand me my phone.

Leaning down you speak with command, daring me to say no.  My body trembles as your voice reaches my ear. “Call in sick. Today, all day, you are mine...  do you understand?” you command.

“Yes Sir.”   I do what I am asked.

Biting my lip I speak into the pause between us.

“Don’t you have a meeting today?” I ask, but the guilt behind it makes it a whisper.

As you walk toward me I take in the beauty of your body, so solid, unyielding. Your fingers trace my jaw and down to my collar bone barely caressing me. “I canceled it yesterday, I had a feeling...”

The corners of your lips are raised and I feel myself breath.  You take my hand and lead me to our bed....   Warm. My whole body is warm. I’m left where you placed me.  I do not move. I feel beautiful, bound in my obedience. I sigh, relishing the silence in my head.   The crazy calm over my body. The soft buzz between my legs. You knew. You know me. I’m safe. I’m loved.

My hungry eyes hunt you down as you walk across the room and set your bag on the bed.

“Are you ready kitten?” Sends chills up my body.

“Yes, please Sir.....”