The Voices in My Head

Just a girl with paper and pen trying to sort out what is in her head.

Back to 5th Grade...

4 years ago. October 23, 2020 at 12:39 AM

I love teaching. I love being a teacher. I have taught many grades over the years, but I found my niche when 5th grade found me. I don’t need to worry about someone not making it to the bathroom in time, the whining phase is gone, and they still think I know things. What I love about teaching 5th grade is they are coming into themselves. They are learning to stand where they believe their truth lies and form their own opinions. They are learning where they fit, where they don’t. They are learning if they want to bend who they were last year to fit where they want to be this year. It’s a true year of metamorphosis.

95% of arguments that make it to my desk deal with a choice of words. Let me explain:

Luke - Tommy said he would hang with me at lunch and he lied. He never hangs with us anymore.

Tommy - That isn’t true, I got stopped by Mrs. Kinder Teacher and had to help move the paint tables!

They both stand right in their perspective. Luke believes Tommy lied because he didn’t show up. Tommy knew he wanted to show up but didn’t want to be disrespectful to the teacher.

In my classroom, when we argue, I never let them make absolute statements. We do not say never or always. They are an instant trigger. After the basics of the situation are explained I make the kids start with one simple sentence....

“When you did __________, I felt __________.”

This is where the magic happens. It breaks down the tough wanna be 5th-grade man-child and you see glimpses of that vulnerable little boy. SO many true venom spitting arguments have been worked out by admitting the hurt or anger behind what was happening. Once that feeling is identified, it’s much easier to know what tools to use to diffuse it. Does it always change their mind on the right or wrong of the situation? NO! What it does is give validity to everyone’s voice. Mutual respect. An imaginary hug (sometimes I ask them if they want to hug it out).

If at the end of the day, if nothing nice can pass their lips and they refuse to budge, they learn quickly that they will not speak before they say hurtful things. Period. At least when they are in front of me, they will learn to think, process what they want to say, and then speak ONLY if it resolves the problem or doesn’t further hurt the other person. If not, they can choose to agree to disagree and it’s dropped and left at my desk.

Yesterday I accomplished a major milestone in my life. I bought an acre of land almost two years ago and designed a house for my 3 boys and me. In January, we finalized those plans and we moved into 300 square feet for what was supposed to be an 8-month build.... Covid-19 has other plans. Permits were paused, no one was working, and we stalled.

Last week I walked into the county office and walked out with permits in hand!! This last week I have met with my developer, contractors, made calls for footings, foundation, and trusses. We have 6 months to build this dream.

I’m so proud of this house. I’m proud that I did it. I am proud that I’m managing it.

Then it happened. A man essentially said to me I wasn’t a submissive. This is a quote from the said person. This was literally in response to the fact that I am having my own house built. No other previous conversation.... I had had two previous very short, “Hi, how has your day been” conversations....

“.... ok, but you realize there is no way you are a submissive, right? I don’t mean to be hurtful. It doesn’t mean you don’t have a kink, but I’m not seeing a sub. The truth is you don’t need a man. You leave no room for someone to come into your life because you show a front that you are capable of handling everything yourself. I don’t mean this in a disrespectful way. I just want to tell you what you put off.”

Sigh.... what I hear you saying is that I intimidate you. What I hear you saying is that you are good for someone, but not (strong enough 😏) good for me. What I hear is that you think my strength would make you weak, instead of being an asset that you could be proud of. What I hear is you think needing a man and choosing/wanting a man are the same thing. What I know is my independence makes my submission so powerful. I know from where you stand, where many people in this world where there should be no boxes, you believe you are right.

I will never apologize for taking care of my own. I will never apologize for having my dreams and seeing those to reality. I’ve worked damn hard to get here. This has been years and years of sacrifice. I am teaching my boys about hard work, tenacity, and thriving. This has not been an easy road for us. This is not the life I would have chosen for myself or them, but I am stronger for walking through the shit.

So why do his words hurt so much? Why does it make me doubt who I know I am?! Argh! I hate that I let myself go there, even for a minute! I love who I have become. I love that being a sub is such a huge part of who I am.

Some people need to go back to 5th grade....

Here is a picture of my forms being dug!!! So stinking excited!

LadySusweca(dom trans woman) - What I see is a submissive who finds solutions to problems instead of depending on others to do it for her.
NO ONE gets to define who we are. I am the only person allowed to define who I am. You are right, that person can't handle someone like you. Personally a submissive like that is very special to me because she will take charge when she has to and I am not able to for whatever reason.
Stay proud of who you are.

4 years ago

kittenforplay(sub female) - Thank you for your kind words 💕. I need to remind myself daily who defines me! Brilliant. You have your strengths and value too. That's what makes us all so amazing, we come in all shapes and sizes. 😘

4 years ago

SchrodingersDinosaur(switch female){N/a} - Liking this post for the forward progress you are making in your life, Tiffiny, not for the misguided OPINION you received from someone who is of the OPINION that they are a dominant.

There are all sorts of submissives, including those that really want a Dominant who is willing to handle everything for them (no disrespect toward them from me...that's one of the beauties of our Lifestyle, there's almost always a ying to anyone's yang) but many of us, such as with the well-spoken Lady above, appreciate capable, strong, and independent submissives whose lives are enhanced by, not necessitated on, having a Dominant involved.

There is absolutely no reason to be angered or anguished by the words that that Dominant spoke to you (beyond that fact dude was rude to pontificate on a stranger...), you identified the underlying truth, you aren't the right sub for him nor is he the right Dom for you, ergo his opinion is moot for you.

Congrats on handling your business and just keep looking forward, there are Dominants who are right for you out there. That one just wasn't! - Henna

4 years ago

kittenforplay(sub female) - Thank you. 💕 After letting it sit, I am in a much better place. I just hate how I let his words have power over me. Even for a minute.

You are right, in the scheme of things, he is no one to me.... It was the context that the words reached my own insecurities. I think this why I let them sit with me so long trying to figure out if there was truth behind them. (For the record, there was MUCH more said than just those words I chose to copy paste.) It was a lot to process.

I am not letting it dampen my joy, I think I'm just always shocked how people can speak with no thought of the person on the other side.

Thank you again 💕

4 years ago

Bunnie - Ah yes... white knights. They’re a painful bunch to those of us who are capable people lol. I am so very very impressed about your house... what an achievement... don’t let anyone try to take that from you! Congratulations :D
I also love the part about how you communicate in your classroom... it’s always beneficial to learn these things in an ongoing manner... no matter how old we are.

4 years ago

kittenforplay(sub female) - White knights..... I’m going to have to remember that one! That’s perfect! 💕

4 years ago

AmusedDaddy(dom male) - I have a feeling that there is a cold river or body of water near your property. ;) Congrats on living your dream and making it into reality.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but like a certain 5th grade teacher and Thumper's Mom teach us: "If you can't say something nice... don't say nothing at all." It sucks to be told something hurtful by someone that you are starting to get to know. There's usually a bit of hopeful excitement and his words may have felt like a betrayal. Not knowing any particulars I could see a 24/7 TPE style of Dom think that way. We all walk in with our own preconceived notions of what we want. Sadly this Dom cannot see outside his own framework/definition of kink. It seems he has a very one sided vision of a relationship. He wants to take care of his sub and everything for her. I understand that impulse, I want to nurture, cuddle and heap affection on my sub, but (lol) there's a time and a place. At least you know that you are not compatible.

The kind of partnership you describe makes a lot of sense to me. I differentiate between what I call the "living room" and the "bedroom" - daily and public life is normal and vanilla; private and night life is reserved for kink and forgetting the stresses of dull normalcy. That's when we can express and fulfill our kink needs. I'm sure that there are many Doms that have a similar view, and I'm sure that you will have no trouble finding the right one eventually.

What's most important is what everyone else mentioned: that you decide who you are and how you define yourself. Just because you are articulate, strong and competent does not impact or impinge on your ability to express your submission. It takes a lot of introspection and lived experiences to understand oneself. Getting help along the way is invaluable, while getting uninvited criticism will usually lead to doubt and negative feelings. Because many of us actually open up to so few people any interaction will have a greater impact. You have obviously gone through that and more. You know who you are and you know your worth. It's insane to think that a sub has nothing to offer or teach a Dom. Reading some of your insights was eye opening for me, especially about how different an individual's expression of kink can be.

4 years ago

kittenforplay(sub female) - I absolutely am a 5 minute walk down to the most beautiful river!!! The back of my property is a reserve so there is nature everywhere to be found. You already have honed into this part of me ☺️

The ironic thing is that my whole life (essentially) I have been a 24/7 submissive. I married at 18, was married 18 years and that marriage was what fostered my first true D/s relationship. He provided everything and I was a SAHM for most of those years. That was where I happily sat. I moved from my parents house into my husbands house at 18 years old. I never paid a bill, changed the oil in my car, took down the garbage... .

Life changes things. I had no choice but to rise. The alternative was unacceptable. So it’s ironic to me when people (more of whom I have since had message me here to tell me why this Dom was CORRECT) say that I am not submissive. My independence is of circumstance. Should I have just sat in the stoop and waited for someone to come in a rescue us? A mother with 3 boys?! Of course not.

The truth is I never knew I could be this person; someone who is completely independent. I am happy where I am. What bothers me is the assumption that because I have become this person that I don’t have a part of my core missing. I am not whole. I am ok with that for now, but that is my reality. Nothing has changed because I am alone and it certainly doesn’t mean I don’t need saving, it just means you have to climb over the walls to see the prize. 💕

4 years ago

LadySusweca(dom trans woman) - People would rather look at others and criticize because looking at themselves may reveal the same faults they are pointing out. They don't want to see that though. It's something I was told years ago. When I am done taking the inventory of others I should just put my name at the top cause I have found all my faults.
It's a shame that people think they are qualified to judge others even though they barely know them. I wish I could say my side of the street is clean, but I am guilty of doing the same thing.
They may choose to define you and you have every right to tell them to stuff it up their ass.

4 years ago

AmusedDaddy(dom male) - It is also likely that they feel the need to defend their belief/opinion/point of view, which is challenged/threatened by this discussion and how they perceive Tiffany's life. Often that need to protect ones belief and ego gets the strongest reactions and may be why these people feel the need to weigh in and send personal messages, which they know will be hurtful.

4 years ago

kittenforplay(sub female) - A very good perspective. Very true. Thank you.

4 years ago

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kittenforplay​(sub female)

The Voices in My Head

Back to 5th Grade...

kittenforplay(sub female)