"Your like a magnet... for people"
Those were the words. The words that stopped me dead in my tracks. I think more because of who said them to me than anything. My little... a girl that has NEVER flattered me with undue compliments because she knows Id rather have words mean things. So when the words came out of her mouth it was a full stop for me. It was like a weight I had been carrying being pointed at. Even though she meant the words in the best of ways, it really just scared the shit outta me. And the part that made it worse? Shes right.
I am a cocky asshole. I live my life as if I have more confidence in myself than I really do because if you say yes enough times it starts becoming easier to believe the answer was supposed to be yes all the time. I know my place and i know my role, and they both scare the shit outta me. I know what I'm capable of not only doing to another human but ENJOYING and that scares the shit outta me too.
I live my life by a set of rules... learn everything because you never know what will be useful, help and teach others when you can because it helps you stay sane and stable, tell the truth (the whole truth not just the part you want to tell) because lies always circle back, take care of the people you love because you may need a hand one day and they might just be that hand, and never ever break consent.
I feel I do a pretty good job with most of these but the one i struggle with is the help and teach. Its hard because i get attached to situations. I get attached to the decisions these people make based on the advice I provided. And believe it or not I'M NOT FUCKING PERFECT. I fuck shit up. I say the wrong things. I do the wrong things. I rarely feel worthy of the submission provided to me for these reason. I rarely feel I'm living up to my own expectations of myself. So how in the fuck am i supposed to tell you how to live your life when my ducks wont even line up?
But it doesn't matter... I'm a magnet... and a magnet must do its job even when it doesn't want to. Even when it feels unworthy. Even when it has to fake that smile and break later because you need it to be happy. I love my people. They keep me sane and they do that by pushing me to the edge of what Im capable of handling. I'm scared but I'm standing. Somehow.....
