Dear Diary
As always my feelings are chaotic. Like a lot of people in this world, I have trust issues. It takes me a while to feel free around others.
Within my lifespan of dating so far, I only had two real connections- meaning I was truly and utterly myself instantly. I felt safe, I felt grounded, I was in the moment. It was an amazing feeling to have, especially for someone like me who is an introvert and struggle to make connections with others.
My first was the first of many.
I thought I felt LOVE on my part and maybe it was. 😅 I was scared shitless because I knew I was the only one developing these feelings quickly. It was my first and only online relationship. We talked for months. Communicated all day. He was also my Master at the time, the only one that I ever had. He fucked me mentally in the most euphoric way I never experienced before. He made me do and say things I never done. Things I secretly wanted but was to scared to admit it.
After we went our separate ways. I didn't want to commit to labelling myself as a slave in the BDSM community because honestly I'm still trying to figure myself out. Also I don't care for labels but I guess it's just human nature to categories things, it makes it easier, I guess 🤷.
My second real connections was a real live, in person man lol. I felt no insecurities at all. I felt so comfortable within his space, so I let him into mines, it was very natural.
It was hard to be separate from him which scared me because I knew that what we had would not last long. Months ago before we even meet he planned to go overseas to live. So I told myself not to get attached. And of course it's easier said than done.
The day came when it was time for him to go. And though I wanted to beg him to stay, I told him to have a great adventure.
Honestly I was happy for him but I was also hurting inside and never truly told him the extent of it. I did what I always do, I plastered a smile and told him I'm OK when he asked.
And I think it's was a good decision because honestly looking back. It's was the best vanilla relationship I ever had. But at some point I knew I would have crave to be dominated. And I knew for a fact that he did not have a Dom bone in his body.
Lol. I don't know where I'm going with this but I guess today I was wondering if I should've fought to keep my relationships going? If I should've look past certain things and try to make them work?
Should I have stayed with my online relationship even though I craved real touch? Real discipline, real everything.
Should I have shown him my real feelings at the time and ask him to not leave, just because I wanted him around.
Maybe I'm feeling this way because I miss having a companion. Someone who outerly gets me and I him. That doesn't come my way often and I wonder if it ever will. I'm still hopeful tho.
Sincerely A
