Beautiful Disaster

Dear Diary

As always my feelings are chaotic. Like a lot of people in this world, I have trust issues. It takes me a while to feel free around others.

Within my lifespan of dating so far, I only had two real connections- meaning I was truly and utterly myself instantly. I felt safe, I felt grounded, I was in the moment. It was an amazing feeling to have, especially for someone like me who is an introvert and struggle to make connections with others.

My first was the first of many.

I thought I felt LOVE on my part and maybe it was. 😅 I was scared shitless because I knew I was the only one developing these feelings quickly. It was my first and only online relationship. We talked for months. Communicated all day. He was also my Master at the time, the only one that I ever had. He fucked me mentally in the most euphoric way I never experienced before. He made me do and say things I never done. Things I secretly wanted but was to scared to admit it. 

After we went our separate ways. I didn't want to commit to labelling myself as a slave in the BDSM community because honestly I'm still trying to figure myself out. Also I don't care for labels but I guess it's just human nature to categories things, it makes it easier, I guess 🤷.

My second real connections was a real live, in person man lol. I felt no insecurities at all. I felt so comfortable within his space, so I let him into mines, it was very natural.

It was hard to be separate from him which scared me because I knew that what we had would not last long. Months ago before we even meet he planned to go overseas to live. So I told myself not to get attached. And of course it's easier said than done.

The day came when it was time for him to go. And though I wanted to beg him to stay, I told him to have a great adventure.

Honestly I was happy for him but I was also hurting inside and never truly told him the extent of it. I did what I always do, I plastered a smile and told him I'm OK when he asked.

And I think it's was a good decision because honestly looking back. It's was the best vanilla relationship I ever had. But at some point I knew I would have crave to be dominated. And I knew for a fact that he did not have a Dom bone in his body.

Lol. I don't know where I'm going with this but I guess today I was wondering if I should've fought to keep my relationships going? If I should've look past certain things and try to make them work?

Should I have stayed with my online relationship even though I craved real touch? Real discipline, real everything. 

Should I have shown him my real feelings at the time and ask him to not leave, just because I wanted him around.

Maybe I'm feeling this way because I miss having a companion. Someone who outerly gets me and I him. That doesn't come my way often and I wonder if it ever will. I'm still hopeful tho.

Sincerely A

I'm fine. I'm good, I'm well, I'm ok.

I have a roof over I'm head. I have food to eat. I have clean clothes to wear. I have water to drink and water to bath in. I have family and friends that loves me. I'm healthy. I consider myself beautiful and blessed.

I'm fine, I'm good, I'm well, I'm ok.

There were times in my life that I went through life without. So I appreciate everything that I have.

So I'm fine, I'm good, I'm well, I'm ok.

How are you?

I'm fine, I'm good, I'm well, I'm ok.

I live in a world where I'm the fixer. Everyone comes to me when trouble arises. Going through a break up, they come to me. Problems at work, they come to me. Baby daddy drama, they come to me. Feeling sad, mad, angry, hurt, wounded or sick, they come to me.

I can make you laugh, maybe help you view your problems or issues from a different perspective. Help you find answers when you thought there was none.

And yet when it's my turn to break down I have no one to care for me. Scratch that it's a lie. I have people but there's no one I want to run to, to take care of me.

So when I'm asked how are you? My answer are usually -

I'm fine, I'm good, I'm well, I'm ok.

When I'm not, no one ever truly knows how deeply because my tears seems to only flow behind close doors.

How horrible it is to have many things and have loved ones but still feel so alone.

Behind close doors is where all my hurt lives.

And I wonder for every I'm fine, I'm good, I'm well, I'm ok that I hear from other's, how many people truly are just that.

Because honestly I know I'm not the only one who feel this way.

So until I trust someone enough to show my tears. I guess I'll continue to be fine, good, well and ok.

Sincerely A 

There's a fear in given in. Of surrendering yourself so completely. The knowledge that these are uncharted waters. That there may not be land on the other side. That you can sink and have no one pull you up once your drowning.

The fear of saying Yes to something you want that may be dangerous to who you are now, because you know it may change you later.

Fear, how it trills me and scares me at the sametime.

I never know if I will give into you or push past you.

Fear, I think I will push past you today and give into my wants.

My heart believe there's a better life and better self waiting for me at the end. And if not, I'm sure I will learn a valuable lesson in the future. Maybe I'll discover a part of me I never knew. I guess that's worth pushing past the fear

So for today, fear please go away.

Diary,

I find myself being extremely annoyed by my self-awareness😅. It's a blessing and a curse at the same time.

(I feel because I'm aware, I'm always conscious of other people's feelings.)

A blessing because I can understand and appreciate/accept that no one person is the same as the other.
Because I want to understand how they view the world. I know that it's ok if they don't see and feel the same things I see and feel. I know that sometimes I may not understand them but it doesn't mean I can't accept them for who they are.

It's a curse because I tend to put others before me, especially if I care for them.

Now don't get me wrong. I love caring, it a part of who I am but it suck when I don't feel like I'm being cared for the same way. 

I don't do things for others because I'm expecting something in return. I do it because it feels right to me in the moment, because it makes me happy to make you happy.

But It be nice if I felt the same type of treatment from someone. (Haha, I probably wouldn't know how to act 😅)

😁 I'm working on being selfish. It's hard but I started asking myself constantly "what do I want?"

And the answer is simple and complicated, just like me.

What do I want? I want to be my weird self and be accepted.

What do I want? I want to laugh every day but I also want you to make me cry from the pain.

What do I want? I want you to tease me, so I can beg.

What do I want? I want to feel bliss, mind, body and soul.

What do I want? I want to be loved and owned.

What do I want? I want everything and nothing.

But most of all I want to know what you want?  What you like?                                                              What you need?                                                             And how can I make you happy? 

Smh.. I just can't help it😔

"I want to give up all control"

What does that say about me? I want to stop thinking and live in the moment. Feel the present where I stand, kneel, bow and crawl to you.

I want to be your good girl. Your obedient girl and be rewarded, if you pleases. But there's a part of me that wants to push you, to see how far your limits will go.

And if I push you to far, what will you do? I wonder how I will be punish, and I feel fear but it trills me. My heart speeds up and I feel my chest rise and fall with each shallow breath I take.

The primitive side of me want to be serenade, seduce, pushed and conquer. Like lions or maybe wolf's, pin me down and mark me up as yours and never let go.

She is like a wild animal. Free to roam. Surviving on her own. From an early age she been taught to take care of herself because no one will.

A submissive raised by Alpha female. She was trained to fight for what she wanted, because if she didn't she will never have it.
Do as she please, because she's her own Woman.
Go where she pleases, because no one should ever stop her.

Be a strong, capable woman. Independent and fearless.

She was taught her submissive ways are a weaknesses. So she built-up her walls to make her strong.. Strong is what she had to be in order to survive.

She is in control of her life.
She has no one to answer to.

She should be content with her accomplishments. She became Strong, Capable and Independent.

Her life training was a success.

But her true nature and her mind are always in constant battle.

In reality, she doesn't wants to choose for herself. She doesn't want to lead, but wishes to follow.
The strength that the world see in her is just a facade, the walls she built to protect herself.

The battle within her continue to grow.

Which part of her will win?
How can you tame this wild animal?
If she bites, will you run?
Will she ever be able to submit to you or will she forever be incomplete?

Being a introvert and having social anxiety. What a combination. Smh. 

How can a person (myself) care so much and not care at all at the same time? 

The people who know me will call me a bitch for the way I act or for the things I say. Which I'm not aware of until someone point it out.

I have a tendency to want to give it my all or it's nothing at all.

There's no in-between for me. I'm either too nice or too mean. Too clinging or not affectionate. I'm either interested or I'm not. I can truly care about you or I don't. Lol.

I sometimes wonder if something is wrong with me because people always seem to point out my behavior but then again will tell me to never change who I am. 

And don't get me wrong - I don't want to change who I am. I love myself but it does bother me that I might hurt someone feeling without realizing it, just because I'm being honest. 

I myself would want and prefer honest no matter how bad it might be.

So, what is your opinion? Can some like me be a good sub?