Healing comes in many forms for me
It's guilt in the laughter
It's tears in the joy
It's loss in the comfort
And it's nightmares in the light
Now let me explain, I find reasons to smile and be happy everyday. I have 3 little people and a staff that need to know I smile even if they can't see it under this mask, but when I truly have that moment of laughter I hesitate part way and realize it is just happening and not being forced. Then I feel guilty, is it to soon to be Healing? No its not It's my own brain telling me that hurt is starting to get better and the responsive laughter is becoming normal again.... Healing
The tears in the joy can go right along with that. I find joy all the time but accepting it, is what brings the tears. I don't deserve the joy, why would someone like me? I break and cry when I realize I am the one who thinks I don't deserve joy. As I slowly accept the joys I begin to heal. I feel it warm me from the inside, I feel my dead heart beat a little more. More healing..
Loss in the comfort, I find things that comfort me material things but as I start to trust people again I become so lost. I can't navigate my way in the crazy. People are affectionate creatures I am not. If you touch my arm randomly I flinch away if you reach to hug me I step back. Things a normal person would find comfort in I am so lost. It's gotten worse since COVID, but I sure do miss feeling safe in someone's arms.
This last one is the hardest for me. I can be in the best situation sunshine lolli pops and unicorns farting rainbows but all of that will turn into a nightmare. The things my brain makes up has it so twisted that that bright happy place is exploding. This one area will be the hardest for me to heal in. The scars from the past are long and deep, the recent hurt tore some of those open
The question I have to ask myself is will i stay closed off behind my walls and miss the unicorn that brings me joy and makes me laugh?
I hope not...
