Though many people are considered to be on the Autism spectrum today, including people you probably know, it’s not something that's often talked about in the context of sexuality. That’s probably because a lot of autists are generally quite reserved, and the mental image that comes to mind when you tell someone you're on the spectrum is typically the worst one, so we generally don't advertise it. Thanks media, really appreciate that.
Though I can in no way speak for all people with autism spectrum disorders, I can speak for myself, and to some extent speak about the challenges that A-Neurotypicals generally face when it comes to romance, sex, and intimate relationships.
First, a bit about the phrasing. We generally don’t like being called autists. The word has a negative connotation that we’d rather not be shackled to. Personally, I prefer A-Neurotypical, or New Type, but to each their own.
I exhibit a condition known as aspergers, specifically a neurotic and high functioning variety. Basically, I rolled natural 20’s across the board for Intelligence and arcana, and snake eyes for everything social and interpersonal. I have near photographic memory, can read and write faster than most, and I intuitively understand maths, science and computers. On the flip side, I routinely get confused and flustered buying beer and chew at the corner store when the cashier asks me how my day is going. I’m not good with people.
It’s not all bad though, I compartmentalize emotions far more easily then most of the population, and I don’t tend to make decisions rashly or based on impulse. This let’s me make very good decisions very quickly under immense stress or pressure, and I have an incredibly high anxiety threshold, which is a highly marketable skill that I employ at every opportunity.
The problem is it doesn’t have an off switch. This makes romance and intimate relationships… Difficult. You can’t analyze or calculate your way to love. Believe me, I’ve tried. I once legitimately calculated the probability of finding an adequate mate by employing a modified version of the drake equation, a mathematical model used to calculate the probability of finding intelligent life elsewhere in the galaxy. Except in this case, Intelligent life was girlfriends. And sometimes that's what it feels like, like you’re searching for something nearly impossible to find, something you’re not even sure exists.
I did that. I know.
So what am I getting at here? Partly, I just wanted to expose people to a neurological phenomena that they might not think about in romantic or sexual contexts, which is odd, since if Autists didn’t reproduce, we would have been selected out by mother nature a long time ago. So why weren't we? And why are there more people with high functioning Autism spectrum disorders today than ever before in recorded history, and by orders of magnitude? Well, my headcanon is that autists tend to be object oriented, and we like solving problems. And we’re really fucking good at it. People will pay an obscene amount of money to solve problems that seem impossible, but that’s what autists excel at. So a lot of us are financially successful, which attracts women. (The majority of high functioning autists are men.)
A-neurotypicals like sex, just like everyone else. But like everything we do in life, we tend to be borderline obsessive about certain aspects of it. Which leads me back to why I’m even posting this here. A synonym for autist could be nerd, and what are lovers of BDSM if not sexual Nerds? No? Don’t think so? I see you motherfuckers roleplaying, you’re a bag of dice and a few miniature models away from a raunchy DND session. Roll for initiative, bitch.
There seems to be an overlap between BDSM enthusiasts, and the passion they have for their kinks, and the obsessive nature of a-neurotypicals. This seems to be a community in which we might not even stand out, you wouldn't notice our obsessive and neurotic behavior, because everyone else is just as obsessed, and we don’t feel the need to cloister our behavior or interests because everyone around us is just as interested in the same things. TLDR, we, or at least I, feel comfortable being weird around other people doing the same things.
Quite a tangent, that, wasn’t it? How about we talk about sex now, you crazed degenerates.
I like sex. Shocker, I know. But because of my nature, I’m inclined to pursue things that others might find… objectionable. Which is how I ended up here, I guess. The sheer fact that I’m comfortable posting this and sharing it at all speaks to the inherent trust required for these kinds of relationships to function. Trust is typically a big ask for new types, personally, I have difficulty trusting casual sexual partners, so I almost never seek out flings, or one night stands, or even friends with benefits. But the foundation of a BDSM relationship is entirely predicated on trust, it’s totally essential, and without it, it can be dysfunctional, toxic, and even dangerous.
It’s beautiful, in a way. That the foundational cornerstone required to pursue a, for me personally, dominant female partner, totally assuages any social anxiety that I typically experience when pursuing sexual partners. Personally, I’d find it difficult to ask a romantic partner to choke me, slap me hard enough to leave marks, spit in my mouth, drag me around by a collar, or use me like an animate sex toy. Ladies. But I do want that, it turns me on, and god damn it, I’m going to find it, or die trying. Probably surrounded by a mountain of smut and a raging hard on. I’ll be the king Midas of porn.
Jokes aside, this is one of the few communities I don’t feel compelled to censor myself in, I get to be my genuine, freaky self. That feels good. Most of us wear a mask some of the time, but when you’re like me, and like tens of thousands of other a-neurotypicals out there, you wear the mask more often than not, and it's easy to forget what you look like underneath it. Honesty is important, but sometimes society expects you to lie for the sake of other people's comfort, and being in an environment where you can dispense with that is truly freeing. Ironic for a bunch of perverts who like to be tied up and turned into slaves half the time.
So next time you learn someone is an autist, maybe think about what interests you have in common, because if you share an obsession, there’s no better partner in crime than an autist. We may be oddballs, but no one can question our passion.
