Let me just first state that Doms are splendid specimens. I appreciate their willingness to take the lead and their desire to care for a submissive. I admire their confidence and bravado.
All that being said, I have just a few requests, which are based on the experiences that I have had with Doms thus far.
Also, as I have mentioned in a previous post, this is coming from the perspective of a Christian, heterosexual, female submissive:
1. Please stop putting your sub in charge. I have noticed a confusing pattern with the Doms whom I have spoken with. I get questions such as, “[When/where] would you like to meet?” and when speaking of bondage, “What would we do when we got together? How would I tie you up?” I am also told things such as, “I’m a Dom, but I think that in the end, the woman should have the final say.” and, “I want whatever you want. You decide.”
I am going to give the benefit of the doubt here and assume that I hear these things from fellas because they are trying to be chivalrous. That is great, but truthfully, what these questions and statements are communicating to a submissive is that she is in control, that she is at the head of the dynamic. Additionally—and I hate to write this because it feels rude—it makes you seem lazy.
Unsolicited suggestions here, but perhaps you could word your questions and remarks this way:
“Are you available on [insert date here]? If so, let’s go to [insert place here].”
“I am interested in trying [insert scene/play here] with you. Let’s get together.”
Learn as much about your sub as possible, take note of her desires and limitations, and then tell her what is going to be done in a respectful, loving way. It will build her trust in you and your leadership. There is an art to being a Dom, which is one of the numerous reasons why I respect the role. It takes a lot of work.
2. Ask questions. I do not think that I can emphasize this one enough. Over and over again, I have encountered the same pattern: I ask a question. He answers. I ask another question based on his reply. He answers. And so on, and so on. He never asks me anything, and eventually, I get irritated and stop sending inquiries. The dialogue almost immediately dies when this happens.
You may be thinking, Well, perhaps he is no longer interested, Rosybeth. Maybe you should take a hint! I would agree with you on this—except that it happens right from the start. The Dom will reach out to me expressing his interest, and that is where his effort ends.
Please, for the love of all that is good, ask questions! Also, repeatedly using the go-to of, “How are you doing?” does not count.
I genuinely want to hear from you Doms out there on why this occurs so often. I think that the online aspect has something to do with it, which is partly why I absolutely despise dating websites. I do not consider The Cage to be a dating site but more so a social media one, so no—I am not being hypocritical 😉
3. Stop ghosting. This one is across the board. Regardless of who you are in the BDSM community, ghosting is a problem. It is another social crime made all too easy to commit, thanks to dating sites. To be fully transparent, I have done it once or twice. I admittedly hold Doms more accountable though because they claim that they want to be in a leadership position.
Ghosting is such a terribly rude thing to do. We all understand that there are circumstances that would prohibit one from responding in a timely manner. I read about someone who disappeared for months because of a major accident. This is not what I am referring to. I am speaking of instances that are completely within one’s control: focusing one’s attention on a potentially good match, not being interested anymore, needing a break, etc. These are the times when you need to message the sub and be honest with her. Yes, it can be uncomfortable, but learning how to handle the discomfort helps your emotional maturity and sharpens your communication skills. It is not the end of the world. The other party will get over it and move on.
Nothing I wrote here has any contempt behind it. As I said, I think that Doms are marvelous. I would honestly like for a Dom to write something like this for subs. I am quite curious to know what we do that is frustrating.
God bless.
- Rosybeth
