ErosRising(dom male){Hekate}

The Phoenix - Eros' Rising

"Passion has overthrown tyrants and freed prisoners and slaves. Passion has brought justice where there was savagery. Passion has created freedom where there was nothing but fear. Passion has helped souls rise from the ashes of their horrible lives and build something better, stronger, more beautiful.”

Lets Get Back to Basics - The 4 Pillars

1 year ago. May 24, 2023 at 5:48 PM

I am going to start an adventure.

This is an adventure starting with the basics, the fundamentals if you will.

This is how I was taught lifestyle when I came into it by my Mentor. Some may have learned different and that is okay!!

The first thing that I was taught was The 4 Pillars of this lifestyle as they are the foundation of everything else.

These are non-negotiable and universal thru the community or at least were with the community I was involved with.

They were as follows.

Trust

Respect

Honesty

Communication

It is these 4 things that all else is built upon. If one is non-existent or fails then the whole house crumbles.

This is either within the community or a dynamic. (This also should be for Vanilla Relationships)

As I progress thru these, I will elaborate on each of these more thoroughly.

But for now, I wanted to bring them up to get people thinking about each one of these and open up with conversation.

I know there are going to be some of you out there that are going to say something like "Those aren't right." or "Haven't you read J.T. Morrison - Devil In The Details"

So before you do, the series by Morrison was published in 2011. I entered the lifestyle in the 90's. (Yes the 1990's!! I know I am old.) So this publication came out almost 15 years after I entered the L.S.

I was taught those 4 because they are not only Dynamic/Relationship, but are the foundation of the community as a whole.

I know others are going to say things like Trust and Respect are earned.

To this I say, Yes and No.

Why?

Because when you first meet people, there is a certain amount of trust and respect that is given. Those 2 are either going to go up or down depending on further communication and vetting with the individual.

I will Trust a person until they give me a reason to not trust them. (I also use circles of relationship to know who and what I can discuss. I will get into that in a later post)

I have a basic Respect for a person until they give me a reason to not respect them.

Both, as I said can increase or decrease depending On whom it is that I am speaking with and what I see as far as their character.

NOW THE DISCLAIMER

With me opening this up for discussion and being able to hear and share others thoughts and insights, I will ask politely that everyone remains respectful. Although I may not block you (Unless you are being a total ASS HAT!!), I do have the power to delete your comments. And I will do so if you want to be disrespectful to myself or others.

Debate is good and causes growth - Attacks on others will not be tolerated!!

We are all adults here (Maybe).

Please feel free to use the comments to discuss how you see each of the pillars.

Now here is just a song to jam out to. 😁😁😁

dollMaker(dom male) - Trust, Honesty, Communication, vital but as I think you might be aware, I have a problem with the respect aspect, before it is earned.

I think I am ruined in this area, because I have seen so much dominant behaviour, over the years, mostly male, but not exclusively both on the Cage, in my own community, heard second hand from that other site and it has damaged my ability to just blindly respect kink people, mainly male dominants. I know its my problem, and I know its unfair to tar all with the brush others have created. For me the problem to get past, is the thought that at any minute another one will be outed as an abuser, predator, consent violator or just unethical horn ball.

My own trust, belief and respect in people has been proved misplaced again, and again and again, and it has created a mistrust in me, pretty much my defacto stance. I know this isn't healthy or fair, its where I am at. I am not sure how to adjust, to be fair and give respect, until its no longer worthy of being given, instead of not being given. I am tired and pretty cynical about the kink scene, and I am only active for around 14 years.

There is also a mistrust of males in the mix, male culture, male dominant culture, and that stems from my childhood experiences with males, which wasn't good. I am not going to go into the details, but I see toxic, entitled, violent, scummy, misogynistic behaviour all around, and it makes it hard to be respectful as a start of point. I am aware I am seeing things through these glasses both in vanilla life and kink, and its hard to get past it. I am not sure what the answer is.

Not all bad behaviour comes from males, other gender, and none, dominants can be abusers too, statistically though it tends to come mostly from males. Maybe there were less issues in the past, because of the way the system tended to work then, so problem people didn't get in so easily, were rooted out more quickly, in saying that I am sure, humans being humans there were similar problems back then as well, just maybe not as many.

I want to be clear, I am not a misandrist, in saying that I am aware I have a problem, and its a long standing one.

I wanted to offer some insight into why I struggle with the respect from the get go aspect, particularly in regards to male dominants.

1 year ago

Hekate He Near(switch female){Eros} - I agree with the male "doms". I think a lot of predators wear whatever sheep's clothing they can find, as in: I'm not an abuser, I'm a dominant. Or, I'm not toxic, I was born an alpha. Some people stay in male energy, volume 10, all the damn time and are attracted to any lifestyle or excuse that allows them to hunt. I am also in a healing phase, and have an experienced dom to run point for me while I do so, for which which I'm very grateful on a lot of levels.

I went through something that rises well above your average traumatic experience and I need the time and distance from aggression that Eros provides while I heal, so similarly am not the example setter for healthy lifestyle practices yet. I do drink in, need, and enjoy the healthy male dominance, though, partly for structure while I unpack what I went through, and partly as desensitization therapy to relearn male attention and intimacy.

For me, for my safety and that of others, Trust goes minute to minute, word to word. I've spent a lot of time around seriously disordered predators, and they can pull off the human act extremely well if they are intelligent and motivated. Therapy makes them better predators. As you say, they are not all male, but there is a predominance. I think leadership in this country, if you want to call it that, is a main contributor to more people feeling like they can do whatever they want.

1 year ago

ErosRising(dom male){Hekate} - dollMaker - Whether or not you realize it, you are always showing the first part of respect when you have replied to people here. I know that you and I have not had many interactions but, when we have, you have never been disrespectful (even if we disagree on something) which is showing respect. You and I have talked about this very thing and I can understand your view on respect and that it needs to be earned. But you are showing respect by talking about it and not being disrespectful in doing so.
I hope that makes sense. Also, I apologize for the male Doms out there that have disappointed you, There are those of us out there that are not toxic and work hard on ourselves to not be toxic. The current culture of the "Alpha" male is seen as a man that is toxic in his traits and willing to do whatever and step on whomever to get what they want. Those are not Alpha, just Ass Holes. A true Alpha is someone that leads without the need to be toxic. If you study a wolf pack, The Alpha is at the read watching the backs of his pack to make sure that all are safe and accounted for. People tend to think that it is the first one in the line when he is the last.
Sorry, I went on that rant but, my point is, we are not all created equal and the upbringing in society, with everyone being taught that they have to compete with one another, it has created some very toxic people. Not only male but female as well.
Again, I appreciate your openness and being vulnerable in what you shared. I also respect what you are saying and the respect of how you said it. Never be shy to share on my posts, even if we disagree on something, it is still food for thought to myself and others that read it.

1 year ago

ErosRising(dom male){Hekate} - That was suppose to say The Alpha is at the rear of the pack not read of the pack. "Damn it Jim!!"

1 year ago

SirsBabyDoll(sub female){Pizza+☕} - 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Welcome to MY world, Eros! Jim is such an asshole!

1 year ago

SirsBabyDoll(sub female){Pizza+☕} - dM, I think what Eros is referencing when he speaks about "respect" is actually civility.
When a submissive respects HER dominant, she shows "deference". When a student shows respect to their teacher, they are showing deference. When children respect their parents, they are showing deference, but when strangers are discussing a topic, they are showing civility.

1 year ago

ErosRising(dom male){Hekate} - Don't hijack my teaching🤣..... I will be getting into that soon. LOL But yes you are very correct on that particular definition of Respect. It is about being civil towards one another in the beginning which, can lead to a deeper and different type of respect as you see the character of the person you are communicating with.

1 year ago

SirsBabyDoll(sub female){Pizza+☕} - *fains shock* I would never DARE to upsurp your marvelous teaching, oh grand poo-bah! I was mearly providing a liquistical differentiation between "respect" and "deference" by means of example.

1 year ago

ErosRising(dom male){Hekate} - LOL. You know you are always welcome to jump on. I appreciate it. 😁

1 year ago

Blondie(sub female){Collared} - Thank you for the refresher. We can always use reminders of the basics.

1 year ago

ErosRising(dom male){Hekate} - You are very welcome. My hope would be that it causes those of us that have been in lifestyle for a while to stop and rethink on these. Also, for people just coming in to be able to read and understand what this lifestyle is really about. That it goes much deeper than kinks and fetishes. This after all isn't 50 shades....LOL

1 year ago

SirTOuTOO{~ 2u2 ~} - *
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~ I welcome this 'reminder' series. Respect & Trust should have a basic 'entry level' of healthy acceptance. But like all other potential 'pitfalls'... the adage - 'Trust ( and respect) but verify ' ... should ALWAYS be kept in mind.
.
Most would / should accept that the VERIFICATION card is always on the table... and any reaction to it being 'played' through concern... should raise a red flag.
.

1 year ago

ErosRising(dom male){Hekate} - Yes - that is a saying I use frequently is "Trust - But Verify" Trust and Respect are multifaceted. There are layers to each. And I agree that the Verification card is always on the table. Even though Hekate and I are Married and are in a contractual Dynamic does not mean that either one of us has stopped vetting and verifying things with one another.
Very good response and should give people a bit more to chew on. 😁

1 year ago

Hekate He Near(switch female){Eros} - Thank you Eros, for being you and reminding me. This is the way.

1 year ago

ErosRising(dom male){Hekate} - You are most welcome Mi Amor. ❤️😘❤️

1 year ago

alawey(sub female){(OWNED BY } - I so agree with the pillars that you speak of. They are important not just in LS but all things. And yes there are many times when the pack leader is in the rear of the pack . Overseeing the packs safety

With that being said I can honestly say that I have trusted all up to a point but I am now feeling it a bit harder. It's harder to even trust new friends on the level you would when u first meet them.
Which I know where and when it started..but that doesn't make it any better or easier to change back to where it was. Sadly the lies and hurts from those I thought to be good ppl and friends. Has jaded me.

So work goes on and while in my case I am just more careful and cautious. Of whom I let within

1 year ago

ErosRising(dom male){Hekate} - I will get into it more in a later post but, I use the visual of circles in circles. 3 to be exact, with the inner most being those that I can rely on with the utmost confidence. This is a small circle and very protected.
In short, I totally get where you are coming from and know that people are people and not all of them good. It is good to protect yourself and learn whom you can let in to what parts of your life. Trust easy an easy thing to break and so hard to repair, if even possible at times.

1 year ago

alawey(sub female){(OWNED BY } - Ah , I know the 3 circle theory. Those that I truly trust,with every thing to include my life if need be are my pack and to be honest I can count them on one hand.

***Side note do you know how to tell a pieces is mad at you. They just stop giving to you and allow you to fade into the blackness of nothing in thier lives.

1 year ago

SirsProperty(sub female){TX Alpha's} - Looking forward to reading your series, all four pillars are equally important and necessary in all facets of life.
I usually start out with a base level of respect, until ones actions prove otherwise.
Trust is a completely different pillar, requiring more time to develop and build. 'Trust - but verify' and 'Inspect what you expect' are both great types of 'best practices' , unfortunately not foolproof.
I will wait for your future posts to elaborate. Thank you for starting the discussion.

1 year ago

Purple Freesia - Communication; definitely a pillar - and, yet it is almost always assumed when you start a conversation that a conversation is communication. I read recently that there are three things new people in new relationships need to talk about.
1. Communication - when and how often; this is often assumed because we send messages and someone responds immediately or not at all.
2. Sex - no explanation needed here.
3. Plans for the future - not necessarily where the relationship is going; what do you see yourself doing next year.

Recently I have been amiss in assuming that messages and conversation indicate communication.

1 year ago

ErosRising(dom male){Hekate} - Communication is definitely more than just a conversation. Real Communication dives into deeper things and involves active listening and proper getting out what is being said so that all parties are on the same page. It is black and white with no grey. It is not just the surface level talk that most of us do on a day to day basis. (Even though this is considered part of communicating)

The 3 things that you mention should be talked about. The question is when? For everyone, it is going to be different depending on how fast or slow a relationship is developing. Thank you for your input.

1 year ago

SirTOuTOO{~ 2u2 ~} - *
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~ Agreed,... the 'uncovering' or 'peeling of the union' is different for all,... and both timing & depth broached carefully so a natural unfolding can instil respect & cultivate patience when certain subjects are addressed.
( I also try to implement the same chosen 'safe-words' to indicate when the content is getting to near the mark for further discussion,... and is 'temporarily shelved' until the point in question can be touched upon again. )
.

1 year ago

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ErosRising​(dom male){Hekate}

The Phoenix - Eros' Rising

Lets Get Back to Basics - The 4 Pillars

ErosRising(dom male){Hekate}