When i first heard this song,(earlier this month I believe) I had chills from head to toe and I still do. The more I listened the more i realized that no matter what life threw at me. I got up, dusted myself off, told life you hit like a bitch and try harder next time.
I guess life said ok bitch, fuck you and take this. smh I overcame alot of shit that others didn't expect me to overcome. The joke is on them( they can kiss my big bodacious ass) . Even though I became humbled, I also became weak. I didn't like being weak (i still don't ). I had to keep fighting for my kids, my sanity, hell practically everyone and everything in my life.
I may not understand everything that has happened to me these past few years, but i do understand this, i need to keep being the fighter that I have always been. I know i need that balance of being a fighter and a peace maker. I'm unable to find that balance, i don't know if i ever will. It's like i need be one or the other, not both. I lost alot of myself and trying to find and replace the broken pieces takes more energy than allowing the new me to emerge. That's where the fear of rejection comes in again, why would anyone except the new me when they don't accept the old? It doesn't make any sense, idk if it ever will, but hey.
A few instances in my life, i put upon myself because of my kindheartedness and compassion for others. Fuck me life again, I guess this is how I am and becoming a bitch is not within me. The compassionate fighter is who i need to be, not one or the other. where both can live in peace and harmony within.
Anyone who has spoken to me, read my blogs, or have met me in person has seen or will see the struggle. Hell, I cursed quite a few people out in my life and felt bad afterwards. I've cut relatives out of my life and still wish them well, say happy birthday etc. who fucking does that? Ms. Softee over here, idk why I'm built like this, but it really needs to stop. I don't know if it ever will, hey, at least at tried. I know this has affected alot of moments in my life, I have tried to change, I really have, i just can't be the bitch life has been to me or the bitch that raised me.
one part of this song that really hits me is " i rather die than give up the fight" is dying giving up the fight? or does dying bring out the fighter?
I've been there numerous times especially 3 yrs ago. It felt like someone was shaking me, telling me to wake up, I can't leave them. It felt like someone was sitting me up, helping me out of bed, No one was physically there. I always wondered was that the fighter in me, my guardian angel, or a passing spirit that wouldn't let me go out that way? Whatever or whoever, I thank them from the bottom of my heart.