A moment and then another

At the beginning of this year I was an absolute mess.

I'm still a mess but a healthy, happy and proud mess.

Thanks x

I feel constantly pulled between breaking and putting myself back together.

I need to be broken, taken lower, but cannot give in to complacency or apathy.

Fear of abandonment?

No. Fear of being with my self. Of what I might do and say. How I might hurt myself. She can be so fucking crazy.

She's so hurt, so lost, so neglected. I abandoned myself. But I don't know What to do now.

The frustrating limits of my mind. When logic, the logic I know, is flawed. I hope to let go. Trying is no good. Try till I break. But it's all I can do when letting go and self compassion are so foreign to me.

I guess this is learning how to be the anti-hero. I really don't know anything.

I'm exhausted, the type of tired that sleep doesn't heal. Emotional, physical and spiritual fatigue. I'm so tired of...

Thoughts

Doubt

Self pity

Anger

Expectations 

Crying

So many emotions

Keeping myself open

Trying to be good

Rising and falling

Loneliness

Isolation

Working 

Pushing 

Breaking

Getting lost

Getting found

Starting again and again and again

I'm tired. It's still so dark today

Again and again and again

Following dark nights

With every new day 

Ritual and releasing

To meet humility again for the day

Some writings to remind me of my place.

A HUMBLING PATH

Awakening is not a path for the faint of heart.

You will be humbled. Oh yes. Brought to your knees. Many, many times. 

What you thought you knew will occasionally dissolve into nothingness.

Your most brilliant insights, your astonishing expertise, your life’s work, it can all crumble to the ground.

Sometimes without warning.

You will be asked to begin again, and again, and again.

And again. 

(Did I say, this is not a path for the faint of heart?)

Oh yes, you will touch the bliss and joy of existence, for sure!

You will laugh at the simplicity of things, some days, of course! 

But you will also be asked to confront your deepest fears, face the darkness and the night within, go to the places where the unloved creatures dwell.

You will step into pockets of grief you never knew were there.

You will cry a billion tears for the lost and abandoned children, within and without. 

You will rage to the sky, to your parents, to all the teachers who failed you, to the lies you were fed, to the ones who never showed up when you needed them the most.

You will tremble with fear some days.

Some days the ground will open up and swallow you and spit you back out.

Sometimes you will think you’ve reached the end of the path, and then you will find yourself back at the damn beginning. 

Sometimes you will feel like giving up.

Sometimes you will feel like you’ve made no progress at all. 

Sometimes you will curse the day you started out on this journey.

But you are healing.  

Yes, you are. 

You are thawing, undoing billions of years of karma. Fear-based conditioning is melting away, and you are meeting life in the raw.

You are returning to nature, to the Garden, to the wild, where you were conceived.

It’s not always easy. It’s not always peaceful. 

It’s not always the spirituality you were sold.

It’s not always love and light and joy and positivity and pure undisturbed Awareness. 

(These are only dreams for frightened children.)

No, it’s an authentic awakening. You are a warrior of realness now, tired of the bullshit and the false promises, weeping and raging and laughing your way into the terrible, wonderful wholeness that you are. 

All your old dreams have crumbled, but you have not.

The voices of fear and shame and doubt may still be with you, but you are bigger than them now. 

You have days where you feel tiny, yes, but you have days where you can hold the whole damn Universe in the palm of your hand.

You have gone insane to be normal, you have cracked to be whole, you have traded the old security for a life of adventure, and given up the sad old dogmas for the thrill of not knowing.

You are finding safety in the darkest places, and beauty in the loneliest places, and love in the places you thought had been forsaken by love. 

You are never abandoned by life, friend, for you are life, and even when you fall to the ground, you are completely supported by unknowable forces.

And so what. So what! You fall! You bruise yourself. You feel ashamed for a while. You weep out the old dream. So what! You cry out the expectation and you turn to face the reality and it is never, never as bad as you’d feared.

You pick yourself up, you dust yourself off, you get back on the path, and you walk on. 

You never left the path, if truth be told.

For the path never left... you. 

For the path forms itself under your very feet, in every Now, with each step that you take or do not take, rejoicing in your unique journey, celebrating you exactly as you are today, bowing to your failures as well as your victories. 

So, begin again, friend.

Begin again. 

And walk on. 

      - Jeff Foster

"You'll learn as you live a bit longer that there are very few people who are really interested in who you are and what you're doing: That handful who do care and who do want to see you do well are treasures. Hold them very dear and very close to you. Forgive them almost anything. Be there for them. But most of life is solitary and hard--you work and you study and you fail and you do the damned things over and over again. And this is your responsibility. Most people, as I've said, are stupid and lazy and really only concerned with getting through the next couple of hours with silliness and stimulation and something to eat. Be polite. Look ahead. Ignore them. Do the work. Move forward."--Katharine Hepburn/Interview with James Grissom 

And so alive...

I am

I find it hard to define many things let alone myself. I get tired of labels and descriptions. I speak visual so here as a description of me in picture form.

I like to hide and I love my fantasy worlds

I'm an animal, I play, I dress up and I love wearing boots

So cool, so nerdy and I could live in water

I play with my body and stare into space like this

All kinds of yes

I love me a good game of the mind

I paint and I make a good canvas

The tension, I love tension

Life, mmm, give it to me 

Those eyes pierce my heart

Somewhere between green, blue and grey

You're beautiful; I want to eat you

You smell like sunshine and wake the butterflies in my belly

I want to know you

See you soon xx

I smell leather. Fear consumes me, I start to run. It's that time again. Then I stop, fear turns to desire. My body tingles and I feel alive, unknowing of my fate.

What is this magic? This dust in the air? That tickles my appetite for the pleasure and beauty of you, whom I do not know.

Always falling in love ever so briefly, drifting again with my head so deep in the clouds. 

Fading, ghostly, desperate for silence and beauty and transience - moving in need of the ocean and wind.