I forgot what I am going to say
It happens all the time
I find it hard to hold anything for any length of time
I'm a proud airhead
Just getting used to all this floating around
And the expectations of others
Say no
Say yes
Just go limp
It's getting so familiar now
I'm not sure what that looks and feels like
The darkness in me has risen
In harmony with light
In 'The Dark Knight', Alfred said, "Some men just want to watch the world burn."
Mac Miller said, "Why I gotta build something beautiful just to go set it on fire?"
Truth is, my secret is, I enjoy building beautiful things and setting them on fire.
It's chemistry - growth, decay and transformation.
Only death brings life. Burn it when it's dead.
A promise
Is a lie
Only with expectation
A lie to self
I think I'll leave it alone
Just stay for a bit
And rest
The bliss of struggle comes with my unravelling after being bound so tight. There's a point of, "fuck it, give it to me, do whatever". The release.
Today is that day for me and I will savour the beautiful taste of nothingness. My attention is with sensation and the moment. Unravelled and a taste of freedom.
Doolittle, a favourite album and is speaking my feelings.
I feel the surrender and the excitement of knowing nothing.
Good morning gorgeous humans. Another beautiful day.
It's often said, "it's in the eyes". I have noticed lately sometimes I catch the gaze of another, a gaze that looks beyond my surface into my eyes. A curious gaze, one that is trying to see what it is that captures their attention. It's freedom.
I look free
I feel free
Some look with awe
Some look with sorrow and aching desire
And others have no clue what they see. They think they can possess it.
I know how to see into their eyes and see of they see like me.
I'm surprisingly happy and excited about being denied what I craved.
For the first time in ages I developed a crush and for a while I've been sitting with it, admiring, dreaming and building up the courage to ask her out. I did today. And she said she has a partner. But I'm so happy - I did it, I was courageous and vulnerable. A little disappointed but so proud to try and then feel so free. Free because I have my answer and there is no doubt in my mind now, that it is a beautiful road not travelled. A dream, a possibility unrealised. And so I move on, dancing my way on.
But I must tell you, how incredibly turned on I am - being denied the fulfilment of my lust. I am now turning to animal insatiability. "No" makes me ravenous and want to be ravaged. So I relish rather than resent. I dwell, with passion and wickedness, in the desire of denial. Paradise Circus.
I have a new calm. One where I don't rush, I'm not do impulsive and I don't run away from my own discomfort.
I'm looking out the window at life with open eyes, with possibility and enthusiasm. Still not certain but I'm clear.
A little less fear for the unknown. Titillation. That liminal space of dreaming while awake.
This conversation is so very familiar and such a heartfelt performance ?
