A moment and then another

Doolittle, a favourite album and is speaking my feelings.

I feel the surrender and the excitement of knowing nothing.

Good morning gorgeous humans. Another beautiful day.

It's often said, "it's in the eyes". I have noticed lately sometimes I catch the gaze of another, a gaze that looks beyond my surface into my eyes. A curious gaze, one that is trying to see what it is that captures their attention. It's freedom.

I look free

I feel free

Some look with awe

Some look with sorrow and aching desire

And others have no clue what they see. They think they can possess it.

I know how to see into their eyes and see of they see like me.

I'm surprisingly happy and excited about being denied what I craved.

For the first time in ages I developed a crush and for a while I've been sitting with it, admiring, dreaming and building up the courage to ask her out. I did today. And she said she has a partner. But I'm so happy - I did it, I was courageous and vulnerable. A little disappointed but so proud to try and then feel so free. Free because I have my answer and there is no doubt in my mind now, that it is a beautiful road not travelled. A dream, a possibility unrealised. And so I move on, dancing my way on.

But I must tell you, how incredibly turned on I am - being denied the fulfilment of my lust. I am now turning to animal insatiability. "No" makes me ravenous and want to be ravaged. So I relish rather than resent. I dwell, with passion and wickedness, in the desire of denial. Paradise Circus.

I have a new calm. One where I don't rush, I'm not do impulsive and I don't run away from my own discomfort.

I'm looking out the window at life with open eyes, with possibility and enthusiasm. Still not certain but I'm clear.

A little less fear for the unknown. Titillation. That liminal space of dreaming while awake.

This conversation is so very familiar and such a heartfelt performance ? 

To see myself with eyes that won't close

To walk naked and exposed, hanging ever on a cliff

To fall down again in the dirt, make sure everyone is looking

Oh the joys of being humbled

But I wouldn't have it any other way

Because I'm a flower

What I do best is rest in darkness and grow in sunlight

Orgasms carry new meaning for me now, almost as if they are sacred. For me, they now feel like a spiritual endeavour. Because they are His. 

I know only through feeling. Internally. Sometimes I feel there is an ocean in me. I just know.

At the beginning of this year I was an absolute mess.

I'm still a mess but a healthy, happy and proud mess.

Thanks x

I feel constantly pulled between breaking and putting myself back together.

I need to be broken, taken lower, but cannot give in to complacency or apathy.

Fear of abandonment?

No. Fear of being with my self. Of what I might do and say. How I might hurt myself. She can be so fucking crazy.

She's so hurt, so lost, so neglected. I abandoned myself. But I don't know What to do now.

The frustrating limits of my mind. When logic, the logic I know, is flawed. I hope to let go. Trying is no good. Try till I break. But it's all I can do when letting go and self compassion are so foreign to me.

I guess this is learning how to be the anti-hero. I really don't know anything.

I'm exhausted, the type of tired that sleep doesn't heal. Emotional, physical and spiritual fatigue. I'm so tired of...

Thoughts

Doubt

Self pity

Anger

Expectations 

Crying

So many emotions

Keeping myself open

Trying to be good

Rising and falling

Loneliness

Isolation

Working 

Pushing 

Breaking

Getting lost

Getting found

Starting again and again and again

I'm tired. It's still so dark today