This us just a brief background into a bump in the road:
3 years. Three years is how long I waited, vetted and befriend my Dom/partner before allowing him to move in and becoming partnered. I had been burned before, but I should have seen the red flags. Why can’t I see them?
First off: I am a brat, little, submissive and a baby masochist. (I say baby because I like pain but not nearly as much as a true masochist). I had never called anyone “daddy” before either. This word holds allot of weight with me, but that’s a story for a different time...
My partner had PTSD from his time overseas, anxiety and depression. (So he understood my tendency to be a massive over thinker and my anxiety). But he went to counseling, and he was getting help. He told me that sometimes he was going to disassociate, but that distance and a little neglect where much easier to fix than hurting me.I agreed. He identified as a primal/alpha dominant with huge sadist tendencies. He has been a daddy to his previous girlfriend and vowed he couldn’t do it again ( I should have listened).
Toward the end of our relationship we tried to open to a third. I wanted table-top poly, he believes everyone needs to be equal. This ended poorly because we set rules. He ignored them, claiming that when his primal takes over it’s nota choice. (When the relationship was less than two weeks in; he fucked her in OUR BED with NO condom while I was at work. I was devastated.) he contributed to show me I was not the priority by starting with her 3 weeks straight “for work”. And I kept trying to tell him how I was feeling, only to be told I was “cramming my feelings down his throat”.
he came home to pack a bag and stay longer, and talk. He said he was leaving,I got upset and slammed my hands on a counter telling him to “go be with his whore” He slapped me in the face so hard, I almost lost consciousness. (This, I blame on myself. And can totally chalk up to a PTSD reaction. My fault.) instead of getting concerned he starts telling me “look what you made me do”. I ask nicely then demand him “get the FUCK” out of my face.
He tells me I am being disrespectful and headbutts me breaking my nose. He does get remorseful about that. We proceed to talk but the abuse continues. It ends with me being choked out full blown marine combat style with an arm bar and an arched back so I can’t reach anything for leverage; with such force I end up in an ambulance and my trachea is shifted and poop in my pants.
This blog is about me finding a way to heal from that. I hope someone finds it helpful. And please remember: Daddy’s don’t take their little’s fears and desires and use it against them. If you are ever in a situation where you feel unsafe LEAVE. Don’t be like me and hold onto hope they will see what they are doing is hurtful, they know and they don’t care or they wouldn’t continue to do what they are without change. JUST LEAVE, before it’s no longer an option.
(I do wish him health and happiness. And I sincerely hope he gets the help he needs, I am having a hard time letting go because I don’t want to abandon him to his darkness. I want to help him, I just can’t be there for it. It’s not safe for me anymore...)
