This weekend I have vowed to clear myself of the negative energy left in the house after everything that happened. I went upstairs and cleaned my children’s rooms, steam cleaning the carpets after the dog I got for him using my kids room as a toilet. My daughter has been sad because she loved the dog. So (me being the masochist I am) I got her a 8 week old puppy.
I put together the bed that I bought for his daughter, and switched things around. Moving the two twin frames from upstairs out to the porch for someone who needs them. My daughter now has a full size bed and my son has a king (really two twins together but the point is it’s bigger). I took apart my bed frame and took it upstairs abs reassembled it so that my sons bed(s) were on a frame. I steam cleaned everyone’s carpets abs put together my own frame (brand new and made from heavy duty metal). I washed all the walls and base boards in my room and then crashed and fell asleep.
I had a dream that I can’t fall back asleep after. It was me, my ex and the third. He was trying to reincorporate me because “he needs me”. And I am sitting in the shower. She says she needs him and he leaves me to go to her. He left me in the shower to go and fuck her first. And I’m sitting in the shower trying not to be angry. And she’s laughing at me when she sees me and returns with him. We fight and he tells me how I don’t care about how he feels or what he needs because I can’t accept them being together. I point out that she is sitting there laughing at me because she KNOWS what she just did. She knows that she just wanted to prove she could get him to abandon me anytime she pleases. (In my dream she is literally sitting there bending antagonistic and laughing in my face). And I start crying alone in the shower while I’m being lectured about how I’m so inconsiderate and don’t care about his feelings.
I wake up and can’t fall back asleep. It seems even though I’m working to clear all this negative energy from my home that I am still harboring some in my heart. I just want to be better, why can’t I just let go? Oh well, back to cleaning. Put this energy into something useful that makes me feel accomplished, yes?
